[Anika.]

Before I even had time to actually wake up my mom must have decided that today was a good day to have her tantrum. Well must be time for it cause we had an awesome day planned out, and what is awesome with out some awful?

I came downstairs and and she couldn't find her boots, so I told her they were at the back door and I proceeded to go and get them for her. I sat them down by her and again she asked where her boots were, so I very jokingly said " oh your are right, you are deaf" My mom has been joking about being deaf for years. Well I didn't even see it coming, she angrily put her boots on, walked past my children and out the front door, she slammed the door so hard the neighbours car alarm went off. So I went out after her in my socks in the snow ( YAY it did snow...) and tried to get her to talk to me, she wouldn't even turn around or stop walking, finally she turned around and said " Just leave ME ALONE!!!"... um k.

Uggh.. upon her return things were ick. I actually managed to stay calm, not take it personal, not be hurt, cry, or anything. I did tell her we needed to talk, she would not. Finally she did and of course it's all my fault. After a few minutes she said " Maybe I am just a *****", to that I said.." maybe you are sometimes". OMG after all the hell I have put up with from her throughout my 34 years I have never said anything like that to her.. Ever.

After that I just said " so are we going snowshoeing or are we not going?" She managed to pull her self together a bit and we went, it was a little awkward, but it was ok.. we even had fun. And the scenery was magnificent. Ok so she has not changed maybe.. but maybe I have? At least I will find some peace in myself, what else can I even do? I mean it does hurt.. it's hurts that I love her and yet being near her is like a very scary circus show.. where the audience is sure to get injured. It hurts that no matter how many years I try to be a good daughter... I am not sure if she actually loves me at all. Does she know what love is tho? Honestly I don't think she does. I can sort out how to feel about that eventually.



Making someone trudge through this for 6 kilometers with spacey snowshoes on may not be the worst thing you could do to them. She did seem to enjoy the peace and beauty, the quiet stillness of it all.. life just being as it is.

I am not so mean.. I did take her for tube rides downhill afterwards . It was cold, windy, snowing, foggy... a bit harsh weather wise. I made sure to let her know how great she did, my mom is not active at all and struggles with weight, and self esteem very much so. She did not even take a break.. she just powered herself right through it even tho I could tell it was hard for her.. it was a lot of up hill. I can only wonder if she took that same approach to finding peace within herself what might happen. That is where I find sadness in this whole thing.

Sorry for the long post.. I know I don't know how to say little with few words.. sorry guys.

Awesome thing.. I saw a weasel!!!!! Well I don't really know what it was. Looked like a ferret except it was all white with a black tip on the tail. It was amazing watching this interesting creature, bobbing about the snow, diving head first down into it and coming back up head first. Always head first.. interesting. I really wanted to see some wild life today.. I got the weasel. I am gonna try to figure that one out. After I figure out exactly what it was..

[Anika.]

Long Tailed Weasel.... ...

[Trippin2.0]

Really proud of you for the you handled mum's outburst You really have taken HUGE strides in the personal growth section Gorgeous pic, thanks for sharing

[~Christina]

I think you are right ... You have changed.. and that is the most wonderful thing.

What beautiful scenery you were surrounded by. Altho you had some awkward moments you didn't let it ruin your day.

I wanna see this weasel

[~Christina]

There is the weasel !!!!!!!! Oh hes purty

Thanks !

[Anika.]

Ugh.. Maybe I should not have said tantrum.. I mean. That sounds mean.. And she probably did not "plan" it. I don't know what happens when it happens. I almost let myself feel bad about that "maybe sometimes you are a *****" comment... but I am gonna stop short of that. When she said it.. weird thing.. I actually think she meant it, she said it in a way that seemed more like venomous confession, rather than self loathing kinda defense. And maybe it is a bit true. I dunno. If that makes sense. It was weird.. I actually felt this terror kinda thing.. like when the hair on the back of your neck stands up. Or when you learn a secret that is too painful.. maybe she does know what she is doing, and maybe she is ok with it, maybe likes it even.. and that makes my hair stand at attention.

Thank you Trippin and Christina.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm glad you made that comment, coz even if mum is ok with her behaviour, she now knows that you're not, and you didnt even have to insult or disrespect her, all you did was agree with her... You didnt sound mean or what not, you sound unnervingly polite about a visit that would have me acting out big time... You're doing a great job, dont doubt it

[Anika.]

I think after trying so many years to get her to change I have realized it is absolutely futile... tho I am not really ready to pull the plug on that either. I'll hold onto hope for that but only try to show by example. Maybe she will see it one day. It's very hard for me to accept that she will have had a miserable childhood, miserable young adulthood, miserable middle age, miserable old age... miserable life, because I know there is a lot more to life than being miserable. It's painful and sad for me to think of people living like this.

Because I was raised as her surrogate spouse it's taken me a long time to rectify the feelings of feeling guilty or responsible for her life. Silly maybe but it's really taken it's tole on me.. and this is where my sisters and I disconnect. We didn't share this experience and they never understood how much this effected me.. They always see me as momma's favorite, don't understand the heavy burden it was.

When I was 4 I already was trying to console my mother when my dad cheated on her, I knew every detail of their marriage, of my mothers childhood, being raped by her brother, my grandmother molesting them,my grandfather doing the same.. I knew every detail and my mother would come to me for support, like a child that age would know how to be the adult in this. When my mom came home from hospital I was the one that had to miss school for two months to take care of her. Every fight her and my dad had she would come to me. I would try to meet her needs and support her best I could. No freaking wonder when she abandoned me it did such a number on me. Growing up with so much emotional incest and then just be dropped... leaves your soul feeling used. All of this left my father hating me. I will always remember when I was 10 and riding in the car with my father and he said " you know you are you mothers favorite.. but I have NEVER liked you." That's all he said, then we just rode in silence.

So not only was I used by one parent, I was also hated for it by the other parent. And when they both decided to leave.. I am pretty sure it crusified my soul and being. My sisters resented it and me.. what a lonely place to be, and I didn't choose to be put there. Pretty sure no one had this intention, just trying to accept the road I have been placed on.

So... thank you Trippin and Christina, thank you validating that I have changed and progressed.. pretty sure I am not going to get that anywhere else. It's so important to me, I have tried to find my own place in life for long. Hearing people I respect and hold dear say yes you have changed means so much to me. I know I should be happy enough to just validate it myself, and I can. I certainly don't want to fall into the trap of leaning on others too much, but it's pretty nice to hear it.

I am a bit emo this morning ... haha sorry for the long emo posts..

I looked up the weasel and symbology, pretty fitting I think. I'll listen and watch the weasel for a while.

[Trippin2.0]

Validation is always nice We're here, and we'll be here every step of your journey toward personal growth...

[BlueInanna]

What an awesome weasel you got to see!! I found this on search about weasel animal medicine / spirit meaning, pretty profound I think! Don't be afraid at mention of evil, I think it means more like evil would be a perspective. And btw, I don't think there's much wrong with telling her she can be a ***** sometimes. My daughter's told me this before, and she's right. I didn't like hearing it at the time, but it sure gave me something to think about.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WEASEL ~ ERMINE ~ MINK ~ FERRET

Deep, old magic of the dark,
Warrior balance of the light,
Teach that evil lies within,
Never in the day or night.

Stealth, Silent Observation

The Weasel totem family includes Ermines, Minks and Ferrets.

This totem is a difficult power totem to have.
It is a rare gift and great ability.
Weasel medicine can teach you to find out secrets through the power of silent observation.

Most Weasel people are loners, graceful, solitary and silent. They are very intelligent.
People do not see their power immediately and often underestimate them.

Weasel totem will awaken your innate ability for observation.
Trust your own instincts and you will avoid trouble and pursue your goals to greatest success.
Use your Weasel medicine to observe what or who needs attention
and offer assistance in your quiet or discreet way.

[Clinte89]

Sounds like you handled the situation well. And it sounds like you kept strong during te whole thing. And cool a weasel I've never seen one of those before. At least you saw some wildlife.

[~Christina]

First, I am so sorry that you had such an impossible childhood ( I can't imagine) The fact that you even survived it is PROOF that you are an amazing strong person. You are raising your kids in a loving caring wonderful home.

I remembering first arriving here at PC and would read your posts and think " I want to be like Anika " You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure to many others.

[Trippin2.0]

I second that ^^^ ALL of it! Love you Anika

[BlueInanna]

Word... I 3rd it! ^^^ You are amazing Anika. (Christina and Trippin are my idols too!)

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Word... I 3rd it! ^^^ You are amazing Anika. (Christina and Trippin are my idols too!)

Awww, I look up to you and Christina too, some amazing women, mothers, partners and friends on this board

[~Christina]

Wow !!!! I am honored to be surrounded .. by such wonderful amazing women ! I am grateful that in this giant world with billions of people , we all somehow bumped into each other .. Imagine the odds ??? It was meant to happen.

Love you