All seems well so far....so far.
I feel pretty level at the moment and hope for it to remain that way all day.
I have adjusted back to third shift hours, but my sleep is still unstable and stressful due to the soundtrack in my head that wont stop and keeps me awake.

[~Christina]

Went out and saw Iron Man 3 3D ! Fantastic !

not well and trapped.

the end...

[Darth Bane]

i am coming out of manic episode. i simply dont want to eat. i am tired of drinking fruit juice everyday. i need sleep...

OUT of CONTROL! binge eating,everyday. I see my PDOC in two day's.

[darthterrapin]

Pretty bad manic episode earlier today. Gorged myself and now I'm about to go for a run so maybe I'll feel a little better after what happened. Tomorrow is a new day..

Right now I am at work so I am good.
Yesterday I was able to keep masef busy all day I didn't have time for my usual head games with me.
Soundtrack went quiet and I slept nicely for 4.5 hours. I could have slept longer but I had to get up and come to work.

So glad for how things are going. Truly. Except that Brain seems determined to throw me in the pit. WTF. Sure, I recognize it's my old "pal" endogenous depression, but it's so exasperating. I want to jump into the good stuff and avail myself of this opportunity. Big time. But it's damn hard to convey how I really feel about it, what with having a bad case of cement face...

No more sleep than I have had I am shocked at how level and good I feel....but I am tired.

thinking about my past. not a usual thing for me to do. I was remembering growing up thinking all of this was normal. that I just was not good enough to be like everyone else. remembering the way my self esteem was non existant, I would just go along with anyone doing anything.

the way my emotions had been a big swirl of depression and frustration controlling everything, made worse by hypomania and leading to an intense anger at life and those around me.

I was only a teenager, a young teenager when all of this started for me. I had been so low to ever care if there was anything wrong with me. I was suicidal, but not in the traditional sense. I would take enough drugs to kill a horse without caring, daring life to actually kill me. I lived so recklessly and without care for so long....

later in life, the feelings never improved. I did at handling them though, and I was able to get the stuff done that really needed to be done. I learned that I was an extremist at basically everything that I did, and I could only focus and be extreme about one thing at a time. obsessively.

I learned to handle that over time too.

I learned how to live and handle life with this disorder on my own, without any help from others. I learned not to trust others at an early age, because of the way they would start to help and leave me stranded. it was worse when that happened than if I never let them in, in the first place.

I learned a lot.

I lived a lot.

and now, with the meds, they have taken away all of the broken thought patterns. taken away the emotional chaos. taken away voices in my head. they may have numbed me a lot, but I felt so deeply about everything anyways, that now I am at a good balance in life. I can take it or leave it and be confident in my decisions.

but, I am in denial. I pretend that my past never happened and that I have always been normal like I feel that I am now. Sure, I can feel it when I start to get a little hypomanic or depressed, but it stays within a range that I can easily deal with. It passes quickly for me when I feel it too, so it does not shatter my illusion of always being normal.

it's my game that I play, my coping mechanism. I have found by being on here that "going back there" is not a healthy thing for me to do. all it does is bring back memories and emotions from before, things that it is too late to do anything about, and sticks me dealing with them all over again. they drag me down. why would I allow that to happen?

I have a tendency to go way too far about things, stretch them per say.

I know that sharing on here does not have to include all of the gory details and/or descriptions of depression or hypomania... but I can't help going there.

hmmmmmm... something more for me to work on.

I just feel that if I am going to be on here, that that's what it's all about. sharing what I have been through. pushing past the painful thoughts and memories in hopes that someone else can benefit from it that may be going through it now.

I mean, that is the point, right?

anyhoot, that's where I am today, just pondering everything and counting my blessings that I can even play my game of normalacy.

not sure if I want to push it though....

(No worries, dumbfounded, we're all over the place here, and there's certainly been a gory detail or two. Welcome, btw! You're not totally new of course, but I've been MIA a lot lately, so doing some catching up.)

Today, I'm still quite annoyed at my brain trying to hijack what would otherwise be a good time. And irritable much? Sheesh. And feeling like crying more than I'd like (I don't, but I feel like it -- that sustained pang/sometimes on the verge kind of thing). Mornings are especially bad in all regards. It's been a real struggle to pull it together (barely) enough to get to work the last couple of days. The only thing that really gets me to do it is that I hate having to explain myself, lol. Powerfully so.

[Moreta]

Went to IOP today and had somewhat of a breakdown. I just feel horrible that I have to go b/c work is so busy, but I need to do this for myself. I'm not looking forward to friday b/c my boss asked me to work through lunch, and I told her I would need a smoke break, and she was like well we'll just break you of that habit.....I am so stressed about work right now, and I'm not back to 100% yet, so I don't see things going well.

All is going well for me....but I am now aware enough to know it will happen soon enough....depression next? Hypomania? Who knows but its nice to know what to look for.

[anon61514]

Been really great for the last few weeks, but after reading this Woolwich stuff my brain is a lightning storm and I'm incredibly irritated (and at the office, which is SO not ideal).

Going to be a rough weekend it seems.

Well that was quick...didn't count on it being so soon.....but anger? I am just so frickin pissed right now I could chew nails.
Noisy, thoughtless, uncooth people of any gender, race, or age are more annoying than anything I have encountered.
STFU for Pete's sake!!!

[gary290]

I've been mean and selfish. Hypomania has been kicking in. Working on day 11 abstinent from for alcohol. I was using alcohol to self medicate bipolar symptoms. Medications are not working. I can't go back on lithium and neurtontin due to cardiac reasons. I've been having disturbing thoughts - angry thoughts. I'm using ACT - acceptance and commitment therapy to help get through the thoughts and feelings. Still a real challenge. Got a new DBT book today - hope it will give me some good coping skills. It's weird how I can feel so lonely even with coworkers and family around me all of the time. Oh well - I'll keep up with my therapy and work on being in the moment.

[Rose76]

I used to have very productive hypomanic episodes. No more. It is very sad the way I have changed. None of the bipolar meds helped me. I guess that's because my "up" times were helpful.

Now I am always depressed, sometimes with, and sometimes without, a great degree of irritability. I feel I am being left too alone in coping with this. But, then, everything that is offered to me - I turn down. I can't stand the thought of anymore therapy.

[kdclement]

I'm honestly feeling better. Whenever I start to get sick it throws me into a tail spin and I'm all over the place. I'm back to earth now. Its been an exhausting week.

I have been hypo the last couple days at times...couldnt sleep worth anything last night....i got a couple good hours in this evening...getting ready to get a couple more but these next 2 will be more like rest than REM sleep, I am grateful for whatever rest/sleep I can get.

[darthterrapin]

Better the past two days than I have been in quite a while. Got a ton of homework finished but nothing out of the ordinary, just things that needed to be done that I had neglected. My nightly runs help a bit as well.

[Confusedinomicon]

Feeling tired and worn out. Had a bad day, but had a good night with boyfriend. n.n

[treehugger727]

Today I do not want to get out of bed. BUT today is an early off from my job and its Memorial Day weekend so even tho it's not being in the moment, I'm looking forward to boating and grilling out. XD

Got some of the all important sleep last night. Feeling very upbeat as I am on vacation all next week so I am just shy of giddy over it...

[Moreta]

I'm so tired. Had to get up at 6:45 so I could run over the numbers with my boss at the bakery. I'm awake now, so there's no point in going back to bed. Hopefully today will be a productive day since I'm off work. Haven't done much this whole long weekend.

[TippPatt]

Checking in..............

I think I'm going to try and use this thread daily just to be able to say ------ I'm still here.

This morning I started my day with a few cat videos. Yes, my slow start morning was interrupted by my father also being up early - something I really don't like.

He has this terrible habit,(in my eyes as it's not unheard of) of turning on the TV immediately and then proceeding to mute commercials.

Muting commercials actually sends my head for a tweak each time he does it. I've explained it and explained it and explained it. It's as if he doesn't give a rat's red one that it actually HURTS my head.

How's that for some early morning disrespect?

I think I'll go get dressed now. It's only been 2 1/2 hours. LOL - Go me!