[amanda550]

I'm 18. When I was 8 months old, my parents got divorced. I went back and forth between my mom and her family and my dad and his family every 4 days. After a while, it was less often and less consistent, around every few weeks.

When I was with my dad, I felt like I was on drugs and I was so happy, but I didn't know why. Now I think it's because he forced me to stay up at night. When I would first get to his house and part of the time I was with him, I would get very irritated, agitated, and disgusted by everything.

Every time I came back to my mom's house I would be in an irritated, agitated, and disgusted mood. After a few days of living with her, I would get used to it and calm down. She thought I did this all because I didn't like her or hated her. That's not true, and I told her that many times in the past few years.

I stopped talking to my dad when I was 12 because I didn't want to deal with him anymore. He abused me emotionally, verbally, and physically. He told me if I called my step dad to pick me up, he would never talk to me again. He was lying, but I wasn't sure, and I was tired of begging him to like me.

I called my step dad to pick me up. I was so sad, but I didn't cry. I didn't want my step dad to see. I was embarrassed to try to call my dad or his parents because I didn't want to look desperate. I got very sad sometimes after that, but I ignored it.

I started to lose all my real feelings. I barely felt anything like sadness, happiness, sympathy, or empathy anymore. I felt numb. I mostly felt things like anger, paranoia, anxiety, being irritated, depression and bored with everything. I couldn't enjoy anything anymore.

I was staying at a ladys house upstate with someone I considered a friend. I got drunk. The girl got me in trouble on purpose. The lady called my mom and step dad to make them come back from vacation in another country to pick me up.

I stayed on the balcony for a few days while I waited for my parents to come get me. I wanted to ignore everyone.

I called my dad and his parents. Not because I cared but to use them to have someone to talk to. We continued talking after that, and I started to see them again.

There were times in the next 6 years that I felt sad, but that rarely happened. I also had feelings when I was drunk and when I drank, smoked weed, and took an e pill in one night.

I stopped sleeping this year at the end of September. Now, I alternate all day between having feelings and being numb. I get mixed episodes. My feelings have become as strong as they were when I was little. I can't control them. I'm not used to them.

I needed to calm down because I can't let my feelings be this strong all the time. It's also unhealthy to barely sleep. I took sleeping pills twice in the past week.

Since I have no sympathy or empathy when I'm numb, I'm mean to people I care about. When I'm like this, I don't control my anger because I don't feel what they feel. I feel bad, but it's not a strong feeling.

When I get my feelings back, I get so sad and cry about everything I said and did to them. I get so scared after every time I argue with the people I care about because I feel like they might die and it could be the last time I will ever get to talk to them. I don't want the last time I talk to them or see them to be bad. I tell them all of this, and I tell them I care just in case it's the last time.

If you're going to tell me to take any medicine, then don't bother answering. I don't think I can have real or strong feelings unless I don't sleep. I like how I am, so don't tell me to change. Just tell me how to control it better. Please. What can I do? How can I control my emotions?

[~Christina]

I'm sorry you have all this going on. I don't know if you have a Pdoc (psychiatrist) or not, I don't know if you have an actual diagnosis, regardless you should really see a Therapist to help you understand your feelings and learn ways to feel better.

There is hope, you can feel better

[BipolaRNurse]

If you really like how you are and don't want to change, then why in the world would you post on an anonymous message board asking for advice?

Seriously....this isn't the place for teen angst and drama. It's a forum for people with bipolar disorder, the vast majority of whom want to get better and are willing to work for it. Nobody hands us anything; we have to do the hard work, put in the blood, sweat, and tears, and CHANGE if we truly wish to live our best lives with this illness.

Some can do it without "drugs"; many of us can't. But if you are going to be closed-minded about meds, you deprive yourself of a treatment modality that happens to play a large part in managing the disorder for most patients. Not very wise, IMHO.

It also doesn't sound like you have an official diagnosis as yet. In fact, it seems that you're trying to self-diagnose and make your symptoms fit into a box, like a lot of people do when faced with a potentially life-changing disease. You may or may not be bipolar, but you won't know for sure until a mental health professional has evaluated you and given you a diagnosis. Sometimes it's not all that clear-cut; sometimes there are elements of other disorders overlapping the primary diagnosis. (For example, bipolar often coexists with borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and PTSD.)

Whatever you do, however, DON'T come to a discussion forum and tell everyone right off the bat that their opinions have no merit unless they agree with your own. No one's going to waste their time or energy giving advice to someone who's already decided they're not going to listen.

[BlueInanna]

Try a therapist and some exercise for starters if you're not already. Your emotions are all bottled up and will blow until you learn to process them, and sounds like you have years stacked up to process. Therapy is really good for this cuz they have techniques to help you process in a measured safe way. And exercise especially yoga helps you learn to focus your mind and energies, and move out the old blocked up stuff. There is a lot of self help info out there like guided meditations on YouTube. You obviously have a heart, it's just maybe iced over from years of hurt and confusion. Take it slowly if you need to.

[faerie_moon_x]

First off, you can't get a diagnosis because you had feelings when you were drunk or smoking pot. Those are two things that effect both perception and your feelings. Bipolar isn't bout 'emotions.' The swings in mood may cause us to be emotional but emotions and moods are two different things. Happiness is not the same thing as mania.

Next off, the whole point of getting a diagnosis (and growing up) is learning to take responsability for yourself and your actions, learning your triggers and coping skills to deal with them. It's not easy. If you need meds to help with that as well, then that's not the end of the world. But, before you can determin any of this you at least need to get into a therapist, and if you think you may have bipolar then you need to get into a psychiatrist.

If you like the way you are, then you wouldn't be seeking out advice. The two reasons you are seeking advice is either you don't actually like the way you are; or something happened with another person that told you there is something wrong with you (which may or may not be true,) so to apease them or help yourself feel better about it, you are asking advice....

Either way, it's good to talk to a professional if you're having difficulty managing yourself and it's disrupting your life.

[BlackPup]

Try writing in a journal. It's a good way to process emotions.

[faerie_moon_x]

Also, try keeping a mood tracker. There are a lot of them online. I personally like Optimism Online because you can customize it to fit what you're trying to track.