Strong or breaking down..

So I have been thinking about writing this post lately.
I am tired to the maximum. I have been pushing myself lately, just to try to score some good grades. I am studying like a lot and I have got my insomnia too but I am trying to forget all about it and focus more on my studies. It's killing me that I am working really hard and I can hardly achieve something all because that I can't relate stuff together.And it's all because I am a bipolar. I am extremely proud of myself that I can still make it through without medicines, but it destroys me too that I am losing my ability to get the good grades. I have all the potential locked in there, but I can't get it out. Sometimes I feel that it may be good to share my sickness with someone, but then I come to a conclusion that nobody would want to listen how hard I am struggling. Everybody assumes that I'm so happy, that nothing is ever wrong with me. But nobody ever knows that I constantly feel like everything is falling apart, and my insides are numb.

Hi Broken Angel,

I feel your pain about school and achieving good grades while fighting with your mind. It sucks and its frustrating beyond words to struggle internally when facing a goal like education. Its always good to vent and it always makes me feel a little less alone when I read that others have to go through the same battles as I do so thank you.

I'm not a professional by any means but I do have some ideas to throw you way. First, bipolar is a extremely tricky disorder and I read the part that you take pride in not taking medication. That's OK, but I want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with working with a professional to find a medication that may help you control your symptoms. Its not cheating or a betrayal of your true self. Look at it as a way for you to fully be yourself.
Second, bipolar and ADHD has a high morbidity, meaning its common to have Bipolar and ADHD. This could be another reason for your struggles with school and there are tons of great treatment options; meds or no. I went from high school dropout to being a decent student after getting held with my ADHD. Just something to consider.
Lastly, you gotta get that insomnia under control! I've found it next to impossible to study or do HW fatigued. Your mind just doesn't work when exhausted. There are bunches of options and strategies that help insomnia, but it can get frustrating doing the trial and error thing until finding one that works. The insomnia might be a symptom of manic episodes too so there is another reason to consider a medication option. Just don't give up hope!
All of these things can be talked about with your MD and please don't think its weak to do so.
Oh yeah, schools usually offer help for students with disorders by accommodating assignments and tests to specific needs. You might wanna check that out too.
Sorry for the long response. I wish you the best and you are not alone!!!!!!!

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

good luck, broken angel.

what is it that you are studying?

It's really helpful to find someone who shares the same struggles as I do. I am really thankful to you. And about that I don't take medicines due to my pride, that's not true at all. I just want to try to be on my own, I just want to try it out to be a bipolar with no medicines or therapy to handle over. Indeed, I don't think that taking medicines is considered to be a betrayal to my ownself, actually there is nothing wrong with taking medicines.

I am really glad to hear that you got it all fixed. But my problem right now is that I am a decent student, but nowadays I just can't relate stuff together. I can't relate topics to each other. And what I hate the most is that nobody knows about my sickness so when my grades get suddenly low, everyone gives me that shameful look, thinking that I am not working my best.

I am actually working for it..

I wanna try being a normal person and as I mentioned above, nobody knows about it and I prefer keeping it hidden.
And Thanks A lot for your response, it made me feel way more better. Thank You and hope the best for you!!

Thank you!!
I am actually still a 9th grader, but I am studying the IGCSEs.

IGCSS?

not heard of that one..

IGCSE is International General Certificate of Secondary Education (UK)