Just looking for advice, tips, support :/

Well my therapist wants me to get meds but I had to switch my primary care and I can't go in till Feb. 1st. I'm really struggling. This summer I developed Anorexia binge-purge type. It numbed my symptoms and caused me to not feel the confusion and not feel obsession(except with food). but now I've gained all the weight back and feel it all worse than ever. I have a coffee addiction, a food obsession, internet addiction and attachment to various people/things. I'm craving anything I can get a mental "high" from. I know if i ever use drugs it would be horrible but i dont care if that makes sense. i know the consequences but dont feel them? I'm 18 and thank goodness have no drivers license. I just keep bingeing and obsessing and staying up till 3am and waking up at 6am. I don't even know where the time goes, i dont know what i think or do most of the time. i have a night eating problem, sometimes consuming full packages and the worst part is sometimes I purge just to have more room to eat. I dont have weight gain fear i actually became obsessed with curvy women spending hours downloading photos online. i dont have many friends but i freak out when im social. I basically go manic every time unless im underweight. Id like to stop coffee, internet, and food addictions but i find no enjoyment in reading, writing, drawing, any normal hobbies I enjoyed when I was younger. I keep going through swings of thinking im going to marry this 46 year old man then i realize never see him again and i feel like dying. i get so hopeless sometimes. im sorry i often vent, ask answerless questions and try and fail at being social and end up feeling like crap about it. Does anyone have any advice or tips or anything that helps? Feb 1st is soooo far. :[[

Exercising has been my salvation. It has many proven therapeutic benefits, and you won't want to purge after you eat coz your body will demand all of the nutrients. I dislike gyms, and those types of venues, but outdoors I'm free.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but meds when someone has an eating disorder can be extra tricky and are probably over a primary care doctor's head. You need a psychiatrist. Ask your therapist to help you find one. Unfortunately, it might increase your wait time, but bad meds are worse than no meds.

Good luck,
EJ

cc

Try calling a psychiatrist's office and tell them you are in crisis and need to see a dr ASAP. you may find one that can fit you in sooner than Feb 1st.

If it gets too overwhelming, you can go to any emergency room and get admitted to the psych unit. There you will be safe and get the help from a psychiatrist.

It sounds like you are motivated to be healthy and that's a good attitude.

this sounds like nothing new to me.
I understand completely.

the purging will pass.
replaced by something else, something just as bad.
it can be hell, and is, and was, and will always be until something breaks the cycles.
anything, god let something break them, right?

for me it was fear that broke my cycle.
I was just a breath away from doing it right when I got help.
just one more breath away from ending it all.
but it was fear that broke my cycles. fear of being discovered when I was thrown into an anger management course that I couldn't get out of.

that was my big break in life.
that's when I started cutting again.
but again, this is about you.
when moods run astray.... they call you bipolar....
when emotions run astray.... they call you borderline....
I still run from that diagnosis....
they would call you and me borderline....
if we let them......
but they already call us bipolar....
and surely we are that.

is it punishing ourselves that we are doing, cuz surely we grin when others would weep.

is it our tendency for self harm?

maybe it's our way of destroying ourselves in a way that will show this world that they are powerless to do it right and that we will show the world how much more we can hurt ourselves... that the world is powerless and just watch this!

i know it's not a choice.

i know.

i do it too.

we all do it in our own way.

I am just like you. but I am heavily medicated. and it does make things better. but there are some things that it can never ever ever help.

but it does make things better.

hang in there. it will get better.
not perfect... but better. you know what you need. you know what you will tell the doc.

it may not be everything, but it's what you will need at the time.

no need to beat yourself up about it.

thinking about this, I do have to say that when I get this way, I tend to maturbate a lot. lol..... as taboo as it sounds.... it's what I do. Idk if it's what you do or not... but if so it's perfectly ok.

no judging, right?

My advice is to not fall into this mindsetMost if not all the meds you're going to try will have side effects, some bothersome, annoying, or downright life-changing, but you have to be your own advocate, and find the ones that agree with your metabolic make-up. Work with the psychiatrist to discover what's best for you.

Hi cup-cake. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it seems like you're trapped in a deep pit and nothing is ever going to change, but the one big truth about bipolar is is always shifts.

Sounds like you're in depression to me. Losing interest in all the things you used to do and clinging onto fast paced stimulous (internet) and self-medicating with coffee. Ironically, I used to do that, too when I was 18-19. I actually can't drink coffee now because of that time in my life. (I was up to 15 "cups" a day at one point. And not fancy starbucks or anything, what I like to call gutter sludge.)

Anyway, I know those obsessive thoughts are really annoying. I get them too. They are usually linked to something that's triggered me. It's really key to learn your triggers. Once I was searching for this particular lingerie model who I'd seen one picture of her. I was trying to find her so that I could try to make myself look exactly like her. I searched for her obsessively for about 3 weeks, and then it slowed down. Now, sometimes I might think about her, but the need to look exactly like her is gone. I try to slow myself down. Sometimes I force myself to get away from the computer. It's not easy. I'll say this is something I have a major issue with, actually, so you're not alone.

You do need a psychiatrist. Are you seeing anyone for your eating disorder? I think that adds an extra spin to your bipolar, so you need someone who specializes in both if you can find one. There are actually some really good places for people with eating disorders. They are places where you stay, and they have psychiatrists, etc. I knew a lady who had to go to one recently. I think she stayed a couple of weeks. So it's a longer stay, but she was doing much better after mentally/emotionally, and with food, and then they set her up to follow up with a psychiatrist and psychologist. It's worth looking into.

And I agree with Trippin about the meds.

Don't worry about venting, that's what we're here for.

Wait, I think you thought I was saying the opposite of what I was saying. I was saying don't just take anything, make sure you are getting the right medication for you. That's why I recommended a specialist who would give the right meds and not just a PCP who would throw any old thing at you. Being on the wrong thing can make you worse than where you started.

The wrong meds are worse than no meds.

We agree right?

Oh wait, maybe you were saying you do agree that it is a problem that some people think any old drug will do? I'm misreading your post?

I don't know. Things have been rough lately and I'm not thinking clearly.

Be well,
EJ

Yes, I am agreeing, sorry I was unclear, I was trying to warn the OP that bad meds are not good, and that there are alternatives, sorry for the misunderstanding Sorry things have been rough EJ