need jokes!

sorry if this has been posted (i havon't looked through the entire thread)

but:

a woman enters the vets carrying a duck

she says to the vet, please can you take a look at my duck?. i'm worried about him

vet, without looking up replies, oh..... your duck's dead. i'm sorry

the woman says, well.. how can you be so sure?. you've not even looked at the duck and you tell me he's dead!. i want proof!

so the vet leaves, and comes back with a cat. the cat sniffs the duck up and down, looks at it, looks at the vet, purrs sadly and walks out

next in comes a labradoor. he goes over to the duck, sniffs it, looks at it, turns to the vet and wines. then walks out.

vet says to the woman... now do you believe me?. a dead duck. sorry.

looking at the bill, he says... that will be £100

the woman says.. all that money to tell me my duck is dead?

the vet says, if you'd have just taken my word, it would have been free. but with the cat scan and the lab report, it all adds up

So a duck walks into a bar, up to the barman, and says "Got any grapes?"
Perplexed the barman says, "No, we don't serve grapes here." And the duck leaves.
Next day the duck comes back: "Got any grapes?"
The barman sighs and says, "No, I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes."
So, the duck leaves but is back the next day, "Got any grapes?"
And now, annoyed, the barman yells, "No! And if you ask me one more time, I'll nail your feet to the floor."
So the next day the duck comes back and asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the barman says, "No."
And the duck says, "In that case, got any grapes?"

lol.

reminded me of a rather amusing video- same type of thing

Great Jokes everyone! Congratulations if only for a few minuets u defeated ur oppressing spirit! I hope the jokes keep rollin in on this thread.keep laughing y'all! !

How do you make a handkerchief dance?
put a little boogie in it.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny. lol.

What is black and white black and white black and white and red?

A nun falling down the stairs

What is black and white and full of laughter?

The nun that pushed her.

i'd post some more jokes, but most of my others are.... well, not fit for young ears- so trying to think of 1 i could tell

A man calls the police and informs them of a dead body he has found in an alleyway.
the police show up quickly and question the man.
"Are you sure that he is dead" he is asked from the officer.

he waits a moment, thinking.

"I'll be right back" he tells the officer and dissapears over by the body.
three gunshots ring out and the man comes back.
"Yes, I'm sure" he tells the officer.

A man decides to go ice fishing so he heads out with his gear and finds a nice spot to drill in the ice. He starts to drill and suddenly he hears a loud booming voice from the sky: "There are no fish under the ice." The man stops and looks around, but sees no one and thinks maybe he imagined it.

So he continues to drill. A minute later the voice comes again: "There are no fish under the ice!" This time he's a little shaken up, but once again sees no one, so he continues to drill despite being nervous.

Then the voice comes again: "Please stop! There are no fish under the ice!" The man drops his drill and raises his hands to heaven and says, "Is that you, God?"

The voice answers: "No, I'm the ice skating rink manager."

This thread needs to not die out. This is a good thread, so I'm bringing it back.

What do you call it when two dinosaurs collide?







A tyranosauras wreck!

Slightly dirty...

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Okay so a woman decides to spend the afternoon visiting her daughter and drives to her house. When she gets there, she discovers her daughter sitting naked on the couch.

"What in the world are you doing sitting here naked?" The mother asks.

"I'm waiting for my husband to get home," she says, "And I'm going to surprise him today by wearing the Dress of Love."

"And this works for you?" the mother asks.

"Yes, he can't resist me when he comes home and finds me wearing the Dress of Love."

So, the woman returns home and feels inspired. She strips down naked in the living room and sits on the couch. A short time later her husband returns and stops dead in his tracks when he sees her.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asks.

"I'm waiting for you while wearing the Dress of Love," she says.

"Oh yeah?" he says thoughtfully. "Well, it needs to be ironed."

My favorite elephant joke:

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
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Sure it's cute but can you breathe through it?

Okay I've got a new one!

So an older couple is driving long distance to see their relatives. As the day turns to evening they realize they aren't going to make the trip in one day and are getting tired, so they pull off the road and stop at the local hotel. They sleep for only five hours so they can get an early start.

They head down to check out and are shocked to get the bill of $350 for their 5 hour stay! The old man is very angry and the man at the desk assures him that is the "usual rate" for a room. So the old man demands to see the manager.

The manager comes out and tells him that is the usual rate. "You see, sir, we offer many amenaties such as an olympic sized swimming pool and a full sized board room for use by all of our guests."

"But we didn't use any of that," the old man protests.

"But you could have," says the manager. "Also we offer a lounge with a big screen television, all of the premium chanels and internet service can be used in any room."

"But we didn't use any of that," the old man says adimantly.

"But it was there, so you could have," the manager says. "We also offer a consierge service to help you plan you stay in our city and arrange transportation wherever you may need to go."

"But we didn't use any of that!" the old man says, frustraited.

"But it was there, and you could have."

So finally the man grudgingly decides to pay. His wife pulls out her check book and writes a check. The manager takes it and looks up confused, "This is only $50." He says.

"I know," she says, "I charged you $300 for sleeping with me."

Shocked, the manager says, "But I didn't sleep with you."

"But I was here so you could have."