[wildflowerchild25]

Ok so six years ago I had what I refer to now as my Lost Year. From September 2005 until November 2006, I went completely crazy and did everything I could to self-destruct (except drugs). I was hospitalized 7 times and spent most of the year in a partial hospital program during the day when I wasn't inpatient, until they kicked me out and sent me to women's wellness, which I quit within 2 weeks. Each of the doctors I saw (inpatient and outpatient) tried to convince me I had bipolar disorder, and every time they mentioned it I laughed in their faces and said it was impossible. This all culminated in a near-successful suicide attempt and ECT treatment, followed by another six months of partial hospital treatment, this time in the women's trauma program. Since I was officially discharged in 2007, I have not been in treatment. The doctor there tried to tell me I had bipolar as well, because toward the end of treatment I was happy, confident, applying to college again, etcetera. I told her that I felt this was just happiness, and I resented her trying to label my every emotion, since I hadn't been happy in so long.

The main 2 reasons I did not believe I have bipolar were a) i never felt that I became hypo/manic; and b) I thought that whatever mood swings i did have were so rapid they couldn't be bipolar. Now that I have read more literature and read your experiences on here, I might have to concede that some of my mood states could have been mixed states and hypomanic states. but the thing that still gets me is this rapid cycling. How many of you are diagnosed rapid cyclers? And how rapid are your cycles? If the new pdoc does indeed diagnose me with bipolar next week, I'm looking at a maximum two weeks for each mood state since December. I mean, in the time i've been out of treatment I have definitely suffered depressive episodes lasting a month or more, but I had remained adamant that I was never hypomanic - except now I am recalling times when I was revved up, agitated, extremely irritable, and short-tempered that have worsened since our son was born two years ago, which might be considered mixed states or just the way hypomania usually presents itself in me. But since September everything has become unmanageable.

It seems my mood states last only two weeks to a month. I also believe i have experienced my first euphoric hypomania - as evidenced by a couple of rambling posts I put here. Now i feel the tendrils of depression grabbing at my feet. I'm trying to kick them away, to tell myself that i'm fine, I don't have a disorder, I'm just making this up for...what, attention? I don't want attention...etc etc.

I suppose this is a last-ditch effort to convince myself that I do not actually have a problem. This is partly because I used to make up illnesses when I was a child in order to get attention - but I would actually convince myself they were real, and would experience legitimate symptoms. I am afraid I am doing the same now, except I don't need nor want attention like I did then. Also, I've been on a lot of different medications and none of them did anything. I am afraid of starting that road again.

So long story short - how rapid are your cycles if you are rapid-cycling?

Hello wildflower! I'm not sure if I'm a rapid cycler. My mood swings got serious about a year ago, and I have spent more than half of the time since then heavily medicated, so I'm not sure if this is rapid cycling or possibly just a mixed episode. What I do know is that I usually cycle multiple times a week now. I have bipolar II. My mood states are shorter than yours, but I've been depressed most days for 2 years now I think, with hypomania in-between. My depressed states usually last longer and are very severe. It is possible that I was hypomanic for a year before my current depression.

"It seems my mood states last only two weeks to a month. I also believe i have experienced my first euphoric hypomania - as evidenced by a couple of rambling posts I put here. Now i feel the tendrils of depression grabbing at my feet. I'm trying to kick them away, to tell myself that i'm fine, I don't have a disorder, I'm just making this up for...what, attention? I don't want attention...etc etc."

These thoughts creep up on me too when the depression comes back. My inner voice is constantly talking **** about me, that I want attention, that I exaggerate, that I'm needy, and so on, until it just stops and I'm just depressed. At that point I usually do not have a lot of self-defeating thoughts any longer. I think that's how it is anyway, but today I feel good so maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I'm making anything up or convincing myself that I'm ill when I'm not. While I'm hypomanic I also sometimes become convinced there's no problem.

Have you tried anti-psychotics? Nothing really worked for me until I tried Zyprexa. Lamictal worked maybe a little, anti-depressives didn't work at all but one made me manic. It is possible to live with bipolar without medications, but when you cycle a lot it's difficult to think straight and afford yourself that break which you probably need. I started up on Zyprexa 2.5 mg recently and while I still cycle, I am a lot calmer and feel less distraught.

[sugahorse1]

Hi there.
I can totally relate to what you are describing. I am a rapid cycler, and battle most with my depressive episodes which also tend to last a lot longer. My hypo manic and mixed episodes tend to throw me, but they luckily only stick around for a few days.

I've experienced a lot of meds, and been hospitalized a few times. I have come to realize the value of a good pdoc and T to get healthy. And communication is very important.

I wish you all the best

[Trippin2.0]

I cycled every 2 weeks like clockwork while medicated, and then twice a day for 3 months after I quit my meds cold turkey. Tiring doesn't begin to describe that!
I'm very chilled these days though, the times when my life seems topsy turvey or my bp is outta control is few and faaar between. *phew*

So, Idk how often I cycle, don't like keeping track because it was counter-productive in my case. All I know is that I'm one of the back to front crew who has slowed down since being med free

I really feel for you though

[faerie_moon_x]

I am diagnosed as "ultradian cycling" or more simply, ultra-rapid. I've always been this way although I've become even more rapid in the past few years. It's changed a lot since I was a teen.

Anyway, all through my late teens and 20s I would have about 2-4 weeks of depression followed by 1-2 weeks of mania/hypomania. I remember especially when I was around 18/19 years old driving people to calling me "crazy" and thinking I was off my rocker with how bouncy I'd get. I had no idea what this was at that time. I just thought I was a super bouncy social butterfly sometimes and depressed when I wasn't.

But, in the past 3-4 years it's changed. My cycling has shifted and now it can shift at any time. The most I've ever shifted in one day is around 4 times, but in those instances usually one of the shifts is caused by a trigger. But, I shift for no reason at all most of the time. I'll wake up depressed, feel like hell, and then 3 hours later I'm manic and raging for no reason at all. And then later in the day I'll shift again. It depends on the day.

Usually I'll be in the same mood for 2-5 days, which seems to be my "normal" pattern now.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Mandrec

Hello wildflower! I'm not sure if I'm a rapid cycler. My mood swings got serious about a year ago, and I have spent more than half of the time since then heavily medicated, so I'm not sure if this is rapid cycling or possibly just a mixed episode. What I do know is that I usually cycle multiple times a week now. I have bipolar II. My mood states are shorter than yours, but I've been depressed most days for 2 years now I think, with hypomania in-between. My depressed states usually last longer and are very severe. It is possible that I was hypomanic for a year before my current depression.

"It seems my mood states last only two weeks to a month. I also believe i have experienced my first euphoric hypomania - as evidenced by a couple of rambling posts I put here. Now i feel the tendrils of depression grabbing at my feet. I'm trying to kick them away, to tell myself that i'm fine, I don't have a disorder, I'm just making this up for...what, attention? I don't want attention...etc etc."

These thoughts creep up on me too when the depression comes back. My inner voice is constantly talking **** about me, that I want attention, that I exaggerate, that I'm needy, and so on, until it just stops and I'm just depressed. At that point I usually do not have a lot of self-defeating thoughts any longer. I think that's how it is anyway, but today I feel good so maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I'm making anything up or convincing myself that I'm ill when I'm not. While I'm hypomanic I also sometimes become convinced there's no problem.

Have you tried anti-psychotics? Nothing really worked for me until I tried Zyprexa. Lamictal worked maybe a little, anti-depressives didn't work at all but one made me manic. It is possible to live with bipolar without medications, but when you cycle a lot it's difficult to think straight and afford yourself that break which you probably need. I started up on Zyprexa 2.5 mg recently and while I still cycle, I am a lot calmer and feel less distraught.

Well I can't take geodon, seroquel, or risperdal because of side effects. So I don't know what the doc will say next week. I really don't know how I feel about meds I think maybe it's worth trying for awhile to even me put do I can concentrate enough to do CBT or DBT. Maybe then I will be able to control it on my own :-/