[Gaijin]

So what all would you want to do if you found out you probably won't live much longer?

I posted previously about being in the hospital to get a stent put in one of my vertebral arteries. Since then I've learned that the other vertebral is completely blocked, one carotid is 85 percent blocked, and the other carotid 50 percent blocked.

That's the good news. These blockages are all operable. Not much fun to go through, but can probably be fixed.

The bad news is all the inoperable blockages in the smaller arteries in my brain. I'm still going through periodic TIAs (mini-strokes) that leave the right side of my face and body numb for several hours. And waiting for the big one.

Basically, I have a bomb strapped to my head that could go off at any time.

So I'm taking nominations for a bucket list. Most of mine so far involve travel and certain types of women I haven't had. The latter may just be desperate hypomania talking.

I would want someplace beautiful to die. I would take my family somewhere serene... quiet.... and I would want to die there. not alone... but selfishly with them there.

I didn't read your whole post before answering. I just read it.

My response was completely out of line for your post. I am soooooooooo sorry......

I was just hurrying along, doing my thing.

I am soooooooo sorry that I did that!

I feel terrible! but now I have to answer your question properly...

I would definitely make that list of exotic women. I would totally go for it! you should take your time and do it right! women, beer and whatever makes you happy. instead of thinking of it like a bucket list... maybe think of it as a list of what makes you happy. that way, you know that you will be. as happy as possible!

[Gaijin]

That would be nice, but I can think of only one way to go in which I could pick the time and place. And my family wouldn't go along with it.

how are you doing now? have you gotten to a place that you have accepted the situation you are facing?

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't think it's selfish to want your family there when you die and not to be alone. I think that's normal, to be surrounded by your loved ones so you can say goodbye.

My dad stayed with my mom right up until the very end. He held her hand. He said the moment before she died she squeezed his hand, because at that point she couldn't talk. But, at least she knew she wasn't alone in her last moment, so I don't think it's selfish.

I don't have a bucket list. Personally. I used to have a lot of plans about dying but not any more. Currently my plan is to live as best I can. But, I understand how scary it is to need surgeries like that. In July I had to have 3 surgeries in one week and was in the hospital for two weeks. It was really scary. But now I'm okay.

[Gaijin]

Let me explain. I could pick the time and place by my own hand. And that option has that much appeal. But I wouldn't want to leave my wife and kids like that.

A stroke won't give me the choice of where and when. It may kill me outright, paralyze me, or leave me brain-damaged. When it comes, I desperately hope for the first.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I'd probably spend a lot of time in prayer. There are many things I need to understand that I've never been able to get resolved, so that might help. I
don't want to leave this world thinking that I have injured anyone and never
been forgiven or that I have been injured and have never forgiven. It's
just forgiving and moving on that I'd look forward to.

[Gaijin]

I was raised to be religious, but am not much of a prayer. Most of the evidence I've seen in my life says that God is an unlikely proposition. I don't want to be driven to dishonesty by fear.

I'm trying to accept my fate; it would be easier if I knew exactly what it will be. A terminal cancer patient will go through a lot more pain, but at least knows that it WILL kill him soon; winding up a human vegetable isn't a possibility.

I don't know whether I have a few days or as much as a few years left. I can hear the ticking of the bomb on my head, but can't see the timer.

it's probably not much help, but i'd defenetly say spend as much time as possible with your family/ loved ones. also if their is something you enjoy in life, do a lot of that... make the most of the time you have- and try not to dwell on it

i am really sorry this is happenening to you

and, as a note, i've always been afraid of dying alone.. i've been isolated most of my life, for my death i'd at least like to be with someone

[Gaijin]

We all die alone.

I'd rather die without my family there, especially if it involves suffering. I don't want them to remember seeing me last like that.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, this is what I know. I wasn't there when my mom died but I was there to see her in the hospital bed, and that stays with me. But I felt I neve got a chance to say goodbye. She was gone before she was gone, if you know what I mean, in her mind she was not all there anymore. But I was at my aunt's house when she passed away. I was just a kid, so I was staying there when mom was in the hospital.

Now, my dad is dying. His heart is bad. Any minute it could go, and there isn't anything they can do. So what has he done, push me away as hard as he can. So now, he too is gone before he's gone, and I won't get to say goodbye and our last words will be full of anger.

So.... I don't know which is better. But, I would have liked to say goodbye to my mom at least. If not for her, then for me, maybe that's the selfish part.

[manicminer]

African Safari followed by Amsterdam. Then find a nice beach or mountain vista to go die on.

[BipolaRNurse]

The only thing I really want to do is go stay at one of those stilt houses in the ocean in the Maldives.They are literally IN the water, and they have sun decks and open floor plans. Some even have water slides! There are barbecue grills and canopy beds on the decks (mmm, afternoon delight!), and when you want to go swimming you just walk down the steps or jump off the deck into this incredibly crystal blue water.

Yes, if I could go there and live in one of those houses, I could die a happy woman.

[Gaijin]

The African safari sounds good. Find a nice African lady to shack up with for a while, then take my blanket to go die by myself on a mountain somewhere.

Of course my wife might have something to say about some of that.

Gaijin, yeah... in theory, we do all die alone- no one comes with us to the other side

but i'd like people to be around me when i die.. by my bed or what ever, i've been on my own and shut out for most of my life- so at least if i was around people i'd feel at ease in my final moments.. that at least someone cared enough to see me off, if that makes sense

i'm not sure what i'd like to do, probably just make some kind of a mark... do something useful for once in my lifde, even if it means something as simple as getting 1 good grade in aa exam.. it's something.

i can look back and say.... well my life's been a joke, but hey- i actually did accomplish something before i died.

that's cool

[Gaijin]

I think I actually would prefer to die alone, just to preserve the memories of others and my own dignity. I've seen dead bodies, and among other things they always look humiliated, shamed by their emptiness and postmortem eliminations.

I've spent a lot of my time alone. I'm usually shy and awkward with others. I only become a social animal in periods of hypomania, which have become rare in recent years. So I envision crawling off into some cave or copse of trees to die by myself. It would be nice to pull it off so they'd never find my body. Maybe do it on a brown bear trail. It worked for the Treadwell guy, who btw was probably one of our bipolar brothers.

I guess the family would miss the opportunity to say good-bye, and if I'm not selfish I should give more weight to their feelings and less to my own dignity.