bipolar hostage situation

so from inside here it's real tight!...right...!


...trapped inside here all day and all night
so tight far from alright all day and all night

...the skilled negotiator such a thrilled creep
the thrilled negotiator much skilled and too deep!

meet me now meet me somehow meet those demands!
defeat me how?...somehow discreet their commands...

I don't want much just let me go
I don't want much you must let me know..

..when we can go!

so how does this crap turn into rhyming crap?...cos it's kinda for real
very much and alot more than a little less than heaps! ....
that I'm stuck inside day and night with personal freaks givin' me the personal creeps!
...got all personal kidnapped and all diabolical *****slapped!

tied up and rat-trapped...emotional neck snapped!

it's just a dark corner shining death like solar plume flamboyance!
I think I'm trapped but my life is just a prison anywhere I go

...and who were we and me to know?

When I am becoming manic, my mind fills with all these words and rhymes. I love words but this over the top.

Are you on the Manic side ??

I am mostly always like this.

...actually?...this is nothing Speed3

everything is a riddle from the inside...but I can make sense of things on the outside for others a bit maybe but not me...it's very exhausting either way.

most of my dribble just drifts into the next day or week or whatever...

but thats ok

i don't think it's over the top. I get it. It's the emotional turbulence mixed with unstable moods and broken thoughts all swirling around together until you don't know where one starts and the other ends.

I get the same way too without being manic.

it's the desperation of life.

Do you take any meds to help or not ? It just sounds so much like a manic phase. Yes it is exhausting and it sounds like you need a rest. Have you been sleeping ? Sleep is so important when you are bipolar.

I take antipsychotics and...
well?

I don't really know what they do...I sure know what they don't do!...when I stop them.

I sleep in bits and pieces....unless I stay up for a couple days and drink a bit...then I just pass out..

I slept quite well yesterday cos it was a bit cooler during the night for a change ...and therefore I have extra energy today...?

hmmm...tricky business

extremely tricky,

Before all this horrid stuff happened, the bipolar most certainly held me hostage.
Well it still does now. Can't make any plans or commit to anything because I never know where the bipolar mind will be. I think very soon I am going to throw all the meds away and see what happens. Take one med for this and another med to counter act that one on and on... Maybe I will function better off everything. Maybe I'm hostage by bipolar meds ?

yeah I sure understand that feeling and being fundamentally impulsive...

...so often I have gone cold turkey...(whatever that means...always wondered?...warm up that damn farm animal!)...[sorry]...lol...

just ignore me when I drift

anyway...

multiple medications ?....imagine walking blindfolded miles away from your home!...thats what they do...you know that...I know that.

imagine a personal life without questions?...
I take my pills on the button everyday but I resent it...but if I want to feel the real?..

then I have to do it right ...

cos the thing is...our brains run on chemicals and we have to be careful how we make the adjustments we want and likely need to make.

...and these decisions are always made when we are feeling stress...when we are feeling pain...

it's very hard to do things slowly...especially when I am in a hurry...and all I know is fast

I am going to make an appointment soon with an Integrated Psychiatrist. He is a PDOC but also trained in holistic and eastern medicine. I am Curious to know how he treats Bipolar. My husband is taking me to a Reike session today. Hopefully I can get dressed. I am curious how this will feel and help. Also I should have done the Art therapy a long time ago. What I am saying is I have been a so called good patient and swallow a handful of pills a day. THey haven't been helping but PDOC says you must take them.

I don't think he even knows how all of them together react in my brain. Hostage to bipolar meds.

I really like the way you interpreted the idea that was even oblivious to me Speed3

thankyou.

I don't know James,
I am pretty out of it these days. I just wanted to have conversation with a nice person.

...no probs...I'm here to chat...

I'm not here much..

but I'm here now...

James,
Most people on here are so incredibly nice and sensitive. But there is one that really rubs me the wrong way and has zero sensitivity. I quess I should just stay clear. But she seems to find my posts and always replies so harshly and negatively.

Normally, I would just brush it off but my nerves are raw. I am thinking about not coming on here for a while. Is there a way to block one person from seeing your posts ?

there is an "edit ignore list"...in your profile page...(not the picture profile page...)

thing is ....

this is a very delicate sight...mental health is desperately controversial to the individual.....every individual here is like a thousand regular people...

I'm so sorry you have been inconveniently deflected...but I can assure you that these things these events pass in moments so easily and fortunately nobody recollects the shame unless they can't help it...

and you have done nothing wrong!...

we all care for you...

there is room for expression here at times that even upsets me...

but it moves in the right direction....if we trust each other...

I trust you...

Understood Wiseone,

You know I have been Inpatient so many times and I always seem to be the understanding one, the peace maker. When other patients can't handle the things a very manic person says, I am the one that takes them aside and says this person is very sick try to be understanding. You will see when they get a little better.

I find myself so incredibly angry at the world today. I want my Jason back. I want my Mom back. I don't normally lash out, my personality is kind and gentle.

It just hurts so so bad and there isn't anything to take the pain away.
I don't know how I am existing but I am.

Thanks for talking to me

your wonderful heart has been compromised....

a massive interference has disrupted your core self your integral being...

for a mum there is no comparison to the sudden absence of the baby you grew to be a man!...I am in tears to write this not because I understand but because you have let me in...

my mum could equally agree I am lost...but poor Jason went a little too far out there didn't he!....damn it!...it's not fair...to make such a mistake!

so what to do now?

the world does suck Speed3...and you might just have to ride this resentment out!...ride it all the way!

you only get one chance and this is your time to FEEL....please don't be ashamed and hide it away...cos

it will come back.

I don't know how you are existing either...??

you can teach us things we don't know...

YES cry me a river,

Off to reiki maybe it will help! I got dressed amazing

What is that saying - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well I will be incredibly strong.

sure looks that way...I somehow could already tell...!



hey I'm not sayin' "hang in there"

just sayin ..."be in there"

I think we are all hostage to some extent...if only I could run screaming out of my brain!