[Speed3]

Yesterday it took me until the afternoon,but I went out and drove my car.
This may seem like nothing, but I can't remember the last time I went out alone and drove my car.

I had a small panic attack but I worked through it. I just drove about a quarter mile to a local nail place and had a pedicure.

I did this as a dry run because today I have to go see the grief counselor on my own. I see her in 3 hours. I am already starting to panic a little bit. I want to get a shower before I go and I have to take a bunch of pictures of Jason. The pictures of Jason are on a poster board we had at the viewing and funeral. I am stressing about the shower and looking at the pictures and taking them of the board. I am stressing about seeing the counselor.

It seems my best days are when I somehow convince myself this isn't real.
I know intellectually this isn't helping. I need to confront the grief head on. Seeing the counselor is most likely going to be painful. I am getting a knot in my stomach just writing this.

I know I will get there one way or another.

[ArthurDent]

You'll do great. Fantastic job on the drive and the pedi

THIS IS A BIG STEP!!!! You are sooooo doing the right thing here! I'm really proud of you!

[Speed3]

Well I am ready, with 1/2 hour to spare. I nixed the shower and just washed up. I put on a little makeup, I look very bad. I hate looking at myself.

But right now isn't about looking good. I lucked out my husband had already taken the pictures off the board. He was getting ready to put them in an album.
So I just grab them without looking.

I am doing deep breathing. At least she is a therapist so If I start sweating bullets, shaking and feeling I can't breathe it won't be as embarrassing as being in the middle of the grocery store.

I am so scared about the impending process. I am scared I will breakdown and not come back!

UGH UGH UGH

you will come back. We always do, even if we stay away for a while.

[tribalwolf]

Speed,

Congrats on getting out and going for a drive, I know how hard that can be. My fiancée gets panic attacks driving (I don't drive, no license ).

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and hope counseling goes well for you today

The Wolf

[creativelight]

How'd it go?! Hope it was a good experience!

healing hurts. a lot.

You have nothing to fear except the fear itself. Try to stop thinking about being
scared. You'll be fine with the counselor. Just try to relax, breathe deeply and
think about a positive nature scene somewhere in another scenic country.

Genetic... where do you picture yourself. I think of waterfalls I have encountered on hikes before.

[purpledaisy]

Good for you!

Not only did you drive yourself, but you treated yourself to a pedi! It's important to do little things like this for yourself.

[faerie_moon_x]

I am proud of you, Speed, for going out and doing something for yourself. It's okay to do something for yourself. It's okay to take care of you!

I hope the therapist went well.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by creativelight

How'd it go?! Hope it was a good experience!

It went ok. I feel so numb. I talked about Jason and I had no feeling? What is this? She says it is protective or something like that. Not one tear. I fear the damn is backing up and a huge flood is on the horizon.

My first meeting of HEAR, heroin epidemic action reform is on 2/6. I need to bring my a game this means a lot to me. I hope this crazy bipolar inconsistent mind doesn't fail me.

Thanks for asking

Those times are sure to happen.... that you dissasociate from not only the pain, but the events that caused the pain. just give yourself time.... Don't be hard on yourself because of it.

[Clinte89]

Congrats on the drive speed, and I can't imagine how hard that's going to be but you'll pull through it I'm sure you'll do great. Just lay it all out there and if you do breakdown at least it's with someone who can help.

[Speed3]

I can't say it enough you are all beautiful, smart, incredible people. I feel blessed to have found you when I did.

[creativelight]

Originally Posted by Speed3

It went ok. I feel so numb. I talked about Jason and I had no feeling? What is this? She says it is protective or something like that. Not one tear. I fear the damn is backing up and a huge flood is on the horizon.

My first meeting of HEAR, heroin epidemic action reform is on 2/6. I need to bring my a game this means a lot to me. I hope this crazy bipolar inconsistent mind doesn't fail me.

Thanks for asking

I feel you, I think it's like a protective mechanism. I have done similar things. When you feel ready to let it all, you will, and you will feel fine. We're here for you, I'm also happy to be here, I do feel like its a Blessing that we can support each other. Btw I'm sure you will do fine at the meeting, you got this!

[hamster-bamster]

What a great picture of your blond boy!

[creativelight]

...............