Reclaiming my Lost Adolescence

I've been thinking lately about what bipolar has taken from me and why it has hurt me so badly. I've had a few mental health professionals tell me that I am lucky, that mine is a mild case. Comparing myself to other bipolar individuals, I would have to agree. I've never been hospitalized. I've never completely neglected my personal hygiene. I've never attempted suicide, or had sex with strangers, or abused drugs or alcohol, or spent thousands of dollars that I didn't have.

I have been confused by one thing, however; if my disorder is so "mild", why has it caused me so much pain? Why do I feel like it has completely destroyed my life?

I think that part of the answer lies in when my illness started. I was just 11 when I had my first psychotic symptoms, 12 at my first depression, and 14 at my first recognizable hypo/mania. Bipolar disorder struck me at a time when I was very vulnerable, and it stole my adolescence.

Like most children, I could not wait to reach adolescence and begin to mature into an adult. At 10 and 11, I fantasized about hanging out with friends unaccompanied by an adult, first kisses, driving, figuring out who I was, etc.

But the time I so eagerly anticipated was not destined to come. I realized today that the most empowering thing I could do for myself would be to reclaim all that I lost. To allow myself to live through adolescence again, doing it right this time. Of course, this is difficult since I am an adult now, and my life has been scarred by psychotic illness. I would like your suggestions on how to modify the activities and milestones of adolescence so that I can participate in/achieve them.

I thought that I would make a list of all the aspects of adolescence I lost to bipolar disorder, so that I can articulate exactly what it is that I want to take back. These items are connected; some of them affect others, and they build on each other.

The list:

1. The first thing bipolar disorder took from me was my self-confidence. This started with the delusions and OCD symptoms that began when I was 11, and grew substantially with my first depression a year later. At this time, I felt like all of my friends had abandoned me. I still don't know whether they actually did or if I was delusional, but the effect is the same. I lost all of my confidence for social situations. I believed that I wasn't good enough for companionship.

2. Self-expression is a major part of adolescence, and one of the things I most regret not getting to do. Like all teens, I figured out who I was during these difficult years. Unlike most, however, I had to keep it hidden. I couldn't dress the way I wanted, wear my hair the way I wanted, or act the way I wanted. Because I had very low self-confidence, my only source of social support was my family. I couldn't "rebel" by expressing myself as anyone other than my parents' daughter, because if I lost my parents' support, I would have lost all that I had.

3. New friends. I already explained how my depression cut me off from my old friends. The resulting low self-confidence prevented me from making a lot of new friends. My inability to express who I was rendered me socially identity-less, so no one approached me; to most of my peers, I didn't exist. And people don't talk to and bond with imaginary people. I also had periods when I believed that I wasn't human, fundamentally different, literally not worth as much as everyone else. It's hard to reach out when you feel like that. My lack of close friendships in turn made me feel even more worthless.

4. Dating. This is the result of the first three losses I already described. I didn't feel that I deserved anyone, I couldn't express who I truly was to potential partners, and I had very few friends who could introduce me to potential mates. Being chronically single also ate away at my self-confidence. I'm now 21...and I still haven't had my first kiss.

5. Driving and freedom of motion. I had a really serious driving phobia from almost the second I first got behind the wheel. I was convinced that I would kill someone. I had no confidence in my ability as a driver, and I didn't get my license until I was 18. This further isolated me, because I couldn't drive places to meet people. I still feel uncomfortable driving. Again, not being able to drive at the normal age made me feel seriously flawed and unworthy.

Those are the biggest points of adolescence that I can think of that I was denied. Do you have any suggestions on how I can "catch up" with everyone else in these areas? And how to not hate myself for getting so behind in the first place? I know that I had some unique challenges to face during my adolescent years, but I still feel like if only I had been stronger, I would have had a normal adolescence with tons of friends, parties, first experiences, chances to express myself, a boyfriend or girlfriend, and all of it.

Thanks for listening to me; I know that this is long.

It's already taken my adolescence and most of my college experience. I don't want to give it any more of my life!

I wish I had some more practical advise right now, but I really want to step in and say that you should not judge the pain of your illness through objective measures but rather through subjective ones.

If you are in pain, you are in pain. Just because you have never lost control of your actions doesn't mean that you're in any less pain.



Otherwise, I would say to not hyperfocus on how bipolar has taken away a chunk of your life you simply can't live again -- focus on the new experiences you have available to you now as a young adult. You have so much ahead of you, you've barely lost any youth.

Wow... I too lost a lot in adolescence. I was very sheltered by my parents and had no self-esteem to speak of. But I made some personal transformations that made social life easier for me, though they often involved alcohol, which led to perty bad alcoholism.

If I wasnt spoken for, I'd come and give you that first kiss. No one should not know that feeling...

IMO, you're not describing just a normal adolescence, but a normal happy fulfilled life. I'm hoping it's never too late to enjoy these things.

like you, i do feel that my life's been destroyed by not just bipolar, but getting wheelchair bound too.

when i was a kid, like you, i had thoughts o going to colledge... hanging with friends, perhaps going to a good university, getting a good job, etc

in fact- in my younger years life was almost like... a joy- not quite, but getting up felt good- i was glad to be still here. i wasn't happy, but i got by.

anyway as for me.. i first attempted suicide at 9 years old- i used to go to this camp every year- in an attempt to make friends with people my age

anyway this 1 year we were hiking in the woods and the other camp mates couldn't find me.. started searching all over for me

they eventually did find me, (i won't say where or how because i'm not sure that's allowed on here) but i was in a pretty bad way. i was " attempting".

it took a long time, but the leader of the camp finally got me to back down and come back with him on the bus

that was it, really. that was the mark i started going down hill

i was diagnosed (it was either 11 or 12) and at the time, i was trying to get through my schooling- which eventually had to be terminated

as for then?

well, attempted again... and the damage was so bad i was actually hospitalised over christmas- actually i think it was december... i think i was out on the 24th or something

so since then i've been wheelchair bound, and it's to the point where i need everything done for me- sitting up, getting dressed, having everything got for me.. like if i've a cd sitting on the desk i need someone to pick it up because i can't get it, etc

add that to all the anxiety, the bipolar and the borderline, yes... i think my life has been taken from me- in not the nicest way

but here's the thing: i'd not change it

well, of course i would.. i mean- their are things i'd like to do that i can't do now, but i don't think i'd know how to live- i've lived so long in this condition. it is like a part of me

You had your onset early too.

takes away our social development.
takes away our ability to learn.
takes away our cognitive structuring at that age.
it puts us on pause when everyone else develops.

and then as a sick joke, it makes us learn these things as an adult.
I am still learning the first one I wrote.
I am learning it on here.
on this site.
right now lol

Well said.

Somewhat related:
I did not have some of the normal initiation experiences during age-appropriate times either. I was not sexually active until about 19-20, which is fairly late (by about several years), and I attribute it to being freaking confused about sexuality due to sexual molestation by my dad when I was in my teens. I was just very confused and unsure of myself. I did have people aching to be boyfriends who were perfectly good candidates no problem, but I was just behaving very weirdly towards them and just being weird and having weird ideas overall. But eventually little by little it came to me and will come to you. You are in a much more difficult situation though because I am straight and it is always far easier to have the majority orientation. So you should not attribute all your difficulties with dating to the disease - part of it is due to the difficulty of being non-straight in this world.

I did not start smoking tobacco when my peers did because I did not want to become addicted - I hated my dad's chain-smoking throughout my childhood. I am very happy I did not start! Not every adolescent rite of passage is good for us!

No marijuana until late 30s, which, I know, is very weird, but eventually I will catch up and I have a bipolar friend, Joe, a lovely and very supportive guy, who will eventually (he is too busy) come to my apartment to rectify what he thinks is my lack of skills - I cannot smoke marijuana. I do not have the skill to smoke. He thinks he can teach me. OK, I will try. I will obviously not want do it on a regular basis - I do know that smoking marijuana is bad for the lungs - but at least I will acquire the skill that people usually acquire during teenage years. So I won't feel so inadequate .

No hard drugs but that is a good thing, as with smoking cigarettes. Again, missing out on some of the typical adolescent experiences is GOOD.

And I have never had a sex toy at 42, but eventually I will try them. So I am just having delayed initiation, but one way or another, I will catch up.