and the words drift like cyclonic misfits...

I don't know what I'm reading I don't know what I'm thinking

I am the instantly demented...the undernothing the less than!

the overwhelmed the extraWHAT?



my spooky dumbskull...my spooky numbskull is blown away sideways!



I'm the creature without and too within to see
the oversized unlit dynamite underneath my
overaware mis-understanding already burning brain!



had a bad few days

Welcome back, James. I hope they get easier.

I'm overwhelmed too this morning. been throwing up too. I'm not sick... just my GAD. I hear ya!

sux the six!...the sick sucks

organ failure it's just like that...had it too this week Dan...outa both ends

...nasty....sorry to hear man

So your back now. Finally dude. i've missed talking with you and deciphering your posts! I feel I do a stellar job at it too, not to toot my own horn... lol....

So how is James??? Where are you at on the spectrum on life? riding the neutral waves I hope.

I'm real grateful Dan...I read your posts about missing what I write and I was blown away!

...many hours upon themselves applied to each other within minutes I tried to think of a way to thank you....

and everyone else who contributed to that very thoughtful thread buddy!

I'm at your feet man!

apart from that I'm lost as ever...

thankyou Dan...very cool

just stand by my side man.... my feet stink lol.
We're in this together, ya know

keep describing where you are, cuz if your lost, you may describe a place I've been before and i can help you find the way out. Do you see any landmarks?

I can see where you left your socks dude!

I just follow ...first the shoes went!

then the socks one by one!

and now the bare feet...easy to follow

ok then.. follow me , it's my journey and your more than welcome to come along.

anxiety. i am doing something wrong. i can feel that I am wrong, no matter what I do at the moment. Fear. Fear of others and fear of myself. Anger, at the fear and at the feeling of doing something wrong. Desperation. at everything. at the depression that always lingers. growing desperation as the anxiety grows. The more I look at one emotion the stronger it grows, until the twinges of panic form. the more I try the more my moods swing from agitated hypo into depression and back, until they mix and melt into one another. I feel desperate and alone, scared to be around others.

my thinking is the only thing that I have any control over.

I remind myself that there is nothing that anyone can do to me. there is nothing that they can do to hurt me. to harm me.

this calms me down a little, and I feel the first signs of being like other people. doing what they want with no consequences. just having it ok to be me. the more I think of this, the more an invisible bubble expands from me, keeping me safe and growing bigger, giving me more room to move.

I have to focus on the depression now, because it helps with the agitation that I feel. with the desperation. it quiets it somehow. but I know that it's a risky game, cuz I have to keep the levels in check and not let myself be overcome by it.

the depression feels safe. it blankets everything around me, a solemn feeling takes over.

it is here that I can remember what it is like to hope. to want something better. I know in the back of my mind not to take it too far. This is when I get up and walk around. looking at all of the triggers around me. the knives in the kitchen and the kitchen sink with the sponge on it. I start remembering back to when I went crazy right before being diagnosed. I think of where I am now. the thoughts carry memories with them and I remember to fight.

I fight by forcing myself to evaluate where I am now. I start to think of my family again, and the desperation comes back a little. it puts an edge on the depression. that in and of itself is my fighting chance. I start to pretend that my wife is there with me. I know that I need to make things okay for her. for my family. Autopilot starts to take over. I am ready to explain the things that I need to do for the day. I am ready to get going. groggy and emotional, yes. but the feelings are retreating inside of me. stuffing themselves down deep and giving me some freedom. Yes, for the first time that day, I can function and go through a normal range of emotions.

yes, this is my journey.

I will stand by you on your journey too!
maybe you can find something in my journey to help you??

yeah I got your back

Now that you understand me better... I would love to hear more about you!

I got your back too. no worries man, you are one of the few that I can really open up to! I just considered that it might be triggering for you. You HAVE to let me know if it is, okay?

yeah it's ok Dan...what would you like to know about me?

what are your emotions like? do they trigger episodes? what are your coping strategies for them?

I ask cuz I know for me that if I can get my emotions under control, then my episodes won't be triggered so often.

it's all about emotions with me.

my emotions are like birds dan...

ever tried to catch a bird ...?

even sneaking up on one?

they know you and me are coming!...trying to grasp them...but we can jump only a thousand times less than they can fly away...

I guess we gotta let them fly...we best to just watch them.

...when we are ready ...maybe they will land sweet comfy on our shoulder in our hand emotions are always in flight otherwise

Fleeting emotions. Wow. I have the other problem. Mine are like thousand pound weights.... I can't ever seem to get them off of me. Thank you for sharing that! it puts a good image in my head of what you are going through.

do you ever find that you want them to stick around? like, would you want to catch them if you could?

Wow, this really got me thinking. I can picture myself with fleeting emotions. not being able to hold onto them. and what i picture is something in the place of where the emotions should be. What is it? What is there for you in the place of the emotions? Maybe that is the key! can you describe what is there in the place of the fleeting emotions?

p.s. - I'm not by any means trying to fix you at all. that's not what friends do. I'm just fascinated by life this morning, and I love hearing about you!

desperation...

the running and the screaming...!

then the falling over and the falling down

...then the getting up again...

cos nobody saw what happened.

and me feeling it just was not enough...

so I keep running and screaming until I find an outlet...

what a trip!...over...everything!

Wow. I can picture it now. Thank you, James, for letting me in this morning...

I got your back too..... I promise to be gentle with my newly found perspective!

the words... "And me feeling it just was not enough..." keep running through my mind. It's like, the answer is there somehow....

I'm prolly just oversensitive this morning. I have been that way for a while now. It can't feel good to be analyzed like this. it's not my intention. I'm just fascinated. We can talk about anything else if you prefer. we can tear me down even, if you would like... lol.. a piece of my own medicine lol.

you are welcome Dan...

you let all of us in...therefore the gratitude is universal.

you do alot for me.

us

they must feel so out of reach
even though you know they are there
they still affect you in ways
ways that are not fair

They leave behind an emptiness
a void that can't be filled
by anything that you have found
it must seem so damn unreal

one day they will come to you
and fill your heart with tears
tears that make you whole again
and take away your fears

just remember that you are not alone
on this journey that you find
you are on to become whole again
I'll stand right by your side

and together we can chase them down
and take away the pain
that emptiness leaves in it's wake
and give you back your life again

these are my hopes for you. I hope that you don't mind
this silly poem that I have made
in hopes that you will find:

peace.
love.
fulfillment.
joy.
the things that you deserve!

Dan...thats freaking AMAZING!

your brain...as f---cked up as it feels inside there?!...

has a superb effect out here...

...