Living

Extraordinarily.

1. Beyond what is ordinary or usual.
2. Highly exceptional; remarkable.

Me: I find that those people who overcome their madness are extraordinarily people. I am not. I am just an average guy.

Wife: You are an extraordinary guy. I am always amazed at some of the things you have done. Some of your friends find you extraordinary. Your ex counselor believes that you can make it.

Me: Thor, do you think I should think that I am an extraordinary person?

Thor: Yes.

Me: I am just worry of pride and over confidence.

Whole night during dinner, my mind was fixated on the word extraordinary.

Few hours later, I suddenly realized that my mind is blissful. I am at peace with myself. Maybe this is the real me and for some reasons I don't know, I have punished myself with false humility. I like the feeling, I am happy now.

I am an extraordinary guy around my wife and around some of those who know me. This is good enough for me. I don't need to be extraordinary to the world. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can live an extraordinary life despite my madness.

I am still feeling good and enjoying it. Maybe I am in into something?

It reminds me of this quote:
“Don’t only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge can raise men to the divine.”
- Ludwig van Beethoven

The art of discovering myself, "who am I?"

Blame
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Blame is the act of censuring, holding responsible, making negative statements about an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible, the opposite of praise. When someone is morally responsible for doing something wrong their action is blameworthy. By contrast, when someone is morally responsible for doing something right, we may say that his or her action is praiseworthy. There are other senses of praise and blame that are not ethically relevant. One may praise someone's good dress sense, and blame the weather for a crop failure.

Contents
1 Sociology and psychology
1.1 Self-blame
1.2 Victim blaming
1.3 Blame shifting

We constantly consciously and unconsciously make judgments about other people. Our basis for judging others may be partly ingrained, negative and rigid indicating some degree of grandiosity.

Blaming is also a way of devaluing others. The end result is that the blamer feels superior. Others are seen as less worthwhile making the blamer "perfect". Off-loading blame means putting the other person down by emphasizing his or her flaws.[1]

Self-blame
Victims of manipulation and abuse frequently feel responsible for causing negative feelings in the manipulator/abuser towards them and the resultant anxiety in themselves. This self-blame often becomes a major feature of victim status.

The victim gets trapped into a self-image of victimization. The psychological profile of victimization includes a pervasive sense of helplessness, passivity, loss of control, pessimism, negative thinking, strong feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, self-blame and depression. This way of thinking can lead to hopelessness and despair.[2]

There are two main types of self-blame:
-behavioral self-blame – undeserved blame based on actions. Victims who experience --
behavioral self-blame feel that they should have done something differently, and therefore feel at fault.

-characterological self-blame – undeserved blame based on character. Victims who experience characterological self-blame feel there is something inherently wrong with them which has caused them to deserve to be assaulted.

Behavioral self-blame is associated with feelings of guilt within the victim. While the belief that one had control during the abuse (past control) is associated with greater psychological distress, the belief that one has more control during the recovery process (present control) is associated with less distress, less withdrawal, and more cognitive reprocessing.

Counseling responses found helpful in reducing self-blame are supportive responses, psychoeducational responses (learning about rape trauma syndrome for example) and those responses addressing the issue of blame.A helpful type of therapy for self-blame is cognitive restructuring or cognitive–behavioral therapy. Cognitive reprocessing is the process of taking the facts and forming a logical conclusion from them that is less influenced by shame or guilt.

Victim blaming
Main article: Victim blaming
Victim blaming is holding the victims of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment to be entirely or partially responsible for the incident that has occurred in their life.

Blame shifting
Blaming others can lead to a "kick-the-dog effect" where individuals in a hierarchy blame their immediate subordinate, and this propagates down the hierarchy until the lowest rung (the "dog"). A 2009 experimental study has shown that blaming can be contagious even for uninvolved onlookers.

More: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blame

Thank you for the lovely mantra .. I'm going to use it everyday from now on if you dont mind.
Welcome to PC .. what a great way to start!

No, I don't mind at all. Glad you find it useful.

I stopped blaming. I don't want to blame anymore. I don't want to blame myself. I don't want to blame others. I apologized to my wife for all the blame I have put on her.

I don't care who is right, who is wrong. It means less to me now. What is important to me is want blame can do. It makes me difficult to have mental hygiene. It intensifies my negative thoughts and emotion. It makes it difficult to manage my highs and lows. It weakens my ability to stay in control, to be calm.

Blame game prevents me to practice lovingness, kindness and happiness as an attitude and value to the meaning of my life. Blame runs on a totally different mindset of thoughts and reasonings. The emotional reasonings are totally destructive.

Goodbye, Blame. I'll see you no more!

I am talking to myself, talking to Thor.

I wake up with a feeling that I am normal. "It's is your state of mind. You begin to accept yourself as an extraordinary person. Remember when you asked me about bipolar, I told you that not that difficult after I pull you out of a very painful major depression. You were quite confused and doubtful then. I'll tell you why now. Bipolar is just a symptom of not able to live with your melancholy personality. You don't know how to live as yourself, to live with yourself. Because of this, you don't know how to live with others. You developed bipolar." says Thor.

"You now know that you have to spent time with yourself and with your thoughts and feelings. You just need to spent more time with yourself than other because of your melancholy traits. You know that when you are anxious and afraid, you need to calm down and stay calm. You know that when you are angry, you need to look at your values, and choose them and calm down, like we taught you.

You begin to know a little about yourself and you are surprised. A way to know your real self can be through your melancholy personality. We will guide and lead lead you to your real self and who you can be. You will recover." says Thor.

When I am in distress, I refuse to be comforted.

I remember about this part of my character. When I am in distress, I refuse to be comforted. I refuse all comfort. Is this the real me? What shall I do with this, a stubborn nasty person refusing to be comforted when I am in great distress?

I will have to talk with Thor and Ema when they come.

I don't know why this suddenly come up. There must be a reason. Maybe my real self is trying to communicate with me, trying to tell me something...

"When I am in distress, I refuse to be comforted; is a good strength. Use it to seek out a solution when you are distress. But it brings you many wounds if you use it to punish yourself and others."
-Thor

"When I am in distress, I refuse to be comforted; is a good strength. Use it to seek out a solution when you are distress. But it brings you many wounds if you use it to punish yourself and others."
-Thor

I still can't get it. Are you talking about my drinking problem? You don't have to confused me with something I can't understand. You told me my addiction is a monster by itself. Now, you are telling me that my strength is fueling my addiction? Is it this that you are telling me? What are you telling me?

Thor, I don't know what you are doing. I don't know why you want to make me cry again, I just want to watch tv.

I can't watch tv. I have to wake my wife up.

"When I am in distress, I refuse to be comforted; is a good strength. Use it to seek out a solution when you are distress. But it brings you many wounds if you use it to punish yourself and others."
-Thor

It's funny how things happened. My wife asked me about this again today. "Still the same. He just want me to know about it, that I punish myself. I don't need to do anything." I answered.

The memories of the past keep popping up during dinner. It was about how I recover alone after my mother severely beat me up. I think something is happening. I am healing. My soul is healing. I think of my mother and I don't hate her now despite what she did. I think I can forgive her. I cry again. I am healing. My wide is smiling.

I take a look at Christian and he looks a little happy. My wife say I should start socializing. It is no good being alone all the time. There is so much for me to learn, to learn about Christian, about myself. There is so much to learn from Thor and Ema. I can't stand the thought that Thor and Ema might disappear forever when I get well. I want to learn as much from them now.

My birthday is coming. Christian's birthday is coming. What shall I do for him, for myself?

Just finish watch "Drop dead Fred."

Will Thor also leave me when I recover? I have mixed feeling about him disappearing forever. What is it like in real life? Will my imaginary friends disappeared forever?

He says he will be with me forever. But he also says I will recover. I wish he will never disappears on me.

I think I may want to start my own blog. Thor says I should do it. My wife said I should document my thoughts and feelings. I think I should document my progress or otherwise.

I'll give myself a few days to think about it.

What should be the name of my blog? Am I ready to handle criticism should someone stumble upon my blog? Can I handle negativism? Am I thinking too much?

Wake up feeling slightly depressed. Don't know why. Feeling feeling slightly fearful and anxious.

You know you can fight it, my wife says. No, that is not how Thor taught me. He never ask me to confront it directly, at least not now. So, I just do ask he has taught me, talk to my emotions.

I know why I am feeling this way. But I can't get a handle over it. I lost control over that part of my life. What shall I do? What shall I do, Thor?

Take a positive outlook on life, Thor says. That's it? I want more. You will have more if you have a positive outlook on life, he answer. What's the difference between having a positive outlook on life and having a positive outlook in life? I ask. It is not in your personality traits to have a positive outlook in life, that is not you. You will box your creativity in. Your personality will come back to kick you in the butt if you do that. But, having a positive outlook in life? this you can do. I told you before that life has more than enough to bring healing to that part of you, so that you can claim back that part of you. Your wounds can heal, because life says so. That's how life works, says Thor.

I remember this saying, "Self-actualization is possible only as an effect of self-transcendence."
-Victor E. Frankl

Schizotypy
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Schizotypy is a psychological concept which describes a continuum of personality characteristics and experiences ranging from normal dissociative, imaginative states to more extreme states related to psychosis and in particular, schizophrenia. This is in contrast to a categorical view of psychosis, where psychosis is considered to be a particular (usually pathological) state, that someone either has, or has not.

Development of the concept

The categorical view of psychosis is most associated with Emil Kraepelin, who created criteria for the medical diagnosis and classification of different forms of psychotic illness. Particularly, he made the distinction between dementia praecox (now called schizophrenia), manic depressive insanity and non-psychotic states. Modern diagnostic systems used in psychiatry (such as the DSM) maintain this categorical view.

In contrast, psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler did not believe there was a clear separation between sanity and madness, believing instead that psychosis was simply an extreme expression of thoughts and behaviours that could be present to varying degrees throughout the population.

This was picked up by psychologists such as Hans Eysenck and Gordon Claridge who sought to understand this variation in unusual thought and behaviour in terms of personality theory. This was conceptualised by Eysenck as a single personality trait named psychoticism.

Claridge named his concept schizotypy and by examining unusual experiences in the general population and the clustering of symptoms in diagnosed schizophrenia, Claridge's work suggested that this personality trait was much more complex, and could break down into four factors.

Unusual experiences: The disposition to have unusual perceptual and other cognitive experiences, such as hallucinations, magical or superstitious belief and interpretation of events (see also delusions).

Cognitive disorganization: A tendency for thoughts to become derailed, disorganised or tangential (see also formal thought disorder).

Introverted anhedonia: A tendency to introverted, emotionally flat and asocial behaviour, associated with a deficiency in the ability to feel pleasure from social and physical stimulation. (ChristianDM is like this.)

Impulsive nonconformity: The disposition to unstable mood and behaviour particularly with regard to rules and social conventions.

The relationship between schizotypy and mental illness

Although aiming to reflect some of the features present in diagnosable mental illness, schizotypy does not necessarily imply that someone who is more schizotypal than someone else is more ill. For example, certain aspects of schizotypy may be beneficial. Both the unusual experiences and cognitive disorganisation aspects have been linked to creativity and academic achievement. Jackson proposed the concept of ‘benign schizotypy’ in relation to certain classes of religious experience, which he suggested might be regarded as a form of problem-solving and therefore of adaptive value. The link between positive schizotypy and certain facets of creativity is consistent with the notion of a "healthy schizotypy", which may account for the persistence of schizophrenia-related genes in the population despite their many dysfunctional aspects.

However, the exact nature of the relationship between schizotypy and diagnosable psychotic illness is still controversial. One of the key concerns that researchers have had is that questionnaire-based measures of schizotypy, when analysed using factor analysis, do not suggest that schizotypy is a unified, homogeneous concept. The three main approaches have been labelled as the 'quasi-dimensional', the ‘dimensional’ and the ‘fully dimensional’.

Each approach is sometimes used to imply that schizotypy reflects a cognitive or biological vulnerability to psychosis, although this may remain dormant and never express itself, unless triggered by appropriate environmental events or conditions (such as certain doses of drugs or high levels of stress).

More: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypy

I am pacing the floor like Monk(tv series). I find that pacing like Monk slow down my thoughts. I think deeper and more creatively.

What do I want from life. What do I want from me? I look deep into myself. I want to be an extraordinary person. How can I do that? If I recover from my madness, I will be an extraordinary person. I'll be an extraordinary person both to my wife and myself. If that is all I accomplish for my whole life, I will still be an extraordinary person.

Yes, this will be the meaning of my life. I will live because of this meaning. I will suffer bravely through it. I have discovered the meaning to my life.

This is official. I am sliding into depression. Can you maybe do something, like listening to your music? my wife asked me. No, not this time. I am actually excited to meet my old friend. I have changed since I last met him. I wonder if he will recognize me.

I named him (depression) Depp. Spent your time with Depp, says Thor. He will help you know yourelf. You will discover your true self. You will go home. I look at Depp. He is a young boy...

Just started my blog today...

Depp is still not speaking with me. Two days ago, he told me that he wants me to drink less. Maybe I need to cut down a little bit more. I ask Thor maybe I should come out of depression and leave Depp alone since he is not speaking with me. Thor says no. He wants me to stay with Depp until he start to speak to me.

I am listening to the sound of silence.

the sound of silence lyrics - YouTube


Lyrics:
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Depp, you make me cry. I don't even know why I am crying. Your silence is deafening. Talk to me. I want to reach out to you, but I don't know how.