Living

How long do you think you will be with Depp, one month? asked my wife. One month is like a second to me I replied. She thought of asking me to see a movie, but she hesitates, because she knows I want to stay with Depp.

All you need to do is to hang on to life and have a positive outlook of life during your time with Depp, and work things out with him, says Thor.

It's is like the surviving prisoners of nazi camp when they got back their freedom, they found out that there families were dead, killed by nazis. They became disillusional.

It's been more than 20 years since I had a clear head. I have lost my youth, hope, my dreams, my ambitions, my mum... Now I am starting over. Is that what Depp wants me to see?

I will drink slightly less again tonight. I don't want to assume or presume what Depp will be saying. I will wait for him to talk to me.

My ideal world? There is much to work out together with Depp.

Depressive realism
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Depressive realism is the proposition that people with depression actually have a more accurate perception of reality, specifically that they are less affected by positive illusions of illusory superiority, the locus of control and optimism bias.

More: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depressive_realism

My wife said there was nothing I could do about it. What past was past. I couldn't have it back. I should accept it and move on.

I see that part of my life was taken away from me. It's like time has stopped in a part of my life. When I saw it Thor asked me what I felt. I felt the pain, like a part of me was cut away. I felt sad... Even when I was young people said I looked sad. I thought it was part of my melancholy personality. Now I think I might be wrong.

If Thor did not ask me what I felt, I don't even know that feelings exist. It was so under the radar. This maybe the reason I have dysthymia...

Thor asked me if I thought it was possible to have my life back if I believed that it wouldn't happen, like my wife had said. I don't know. I thought of Job. Did Job had his life back? My wife thought about it the whole afternoon...

Thor asks me to mourn for my lost. I don't know how. Can I have my life back? Is it even possible?

Melancholy Philosophy: Freud and Benjamin
Ilit FERBER

In his 1917 essay “Mourning and Melancholy”, Freud recognizes two mutually exclusive responses to loss — mourning [Trauer] and melancholia [Melancholie]. This sharp distinction between the two responses has long since become almost synonymous with the understanding of a normal versus a pathological reaction to loss, and the clear demarcation between them. At the outset of Freud’s article the two responses would seem closely related, but the question of the acceptance and acknowledgement of the loss complicates the picture and draws them apart (244). Both Freud’s mourner and melancholic begin with a basic denial of their loss and an unwillingness to recognize it. But soon enough, the mourner, who is reacting in a non-pathological manner, recognizes and responds to the call of reality, to let go of the lost-loved object and liberate libidinal desire. This is the point of divergence with the melancholic who remains sunken in his loss, unable to acknowledge and accept the need to cleave and in a self-destructive loyalty to the lost object, internalizes it into his ego, thus furthermore circumscribing the conflict related to the loss. The lost object continues to exist, but as part of the dejected subject, who can no longer clearly define the borders between his own subjectivity and the existence of the lost object within it. The structure of this melancholic response is conceived by Freud as an antithesis to the basic well-being of the ego, the survival of which is put at risk.

Benjamin’s understanding of loss and its affect provides a challenge for the Freudian fixed distinction between mourning and melancholy. Benjamin’s challenge is not direct, namely he does not explicitly criticize Freud’s texts, but nevertheless alludes to them in a different manner that has been described in terms such as a “constellation” (Nägele), a “long-distance love affair” (Rickels), dependence (Hanssen) and “intertextuality” (Ley-Roff), hence stressing the indirect character of this relation. I understand the affinity between Benjamin and Freud as that which does not lie in such types of relation, but rather in a certain concern with the name “melancholy” and with Benjamin’s desire to unfold it. As he claims in the prologue to his book on the Trauerspiel (The Origin of German Tragic Drama): “[…] philosophy is — and rightly so — a struggle for the presentation [Darstellung] of a limited number of words which always remain the same — a struggle for the presentation of ideas.” (37, translation altered): to this, the idea of melancholy seems to be a perfect exemplar, as it is a concept that can almost be conceived as collapsing under the weight of its own history. This historically-laden idea attracts Benjamin so much because of the special way in which the encumbrance of different meanings, opposing implications and astounding similarities has filled it up to its rims. Unfolding and disclosing the “name” melancholy, or as Benjamin would choose to designate it in other contexts, the “idea” of melancholy, is the crux of his exploration of the term. In that sense, it is important for Benjamin to unfold an existing Idea rather than inventing a new one, since he sees the struggle for presentation of the already existing, as what stands in the midst of the philosophical enterprise.

More: Melancholy Philosophy: Freud and Benjamin

I wake up today feeling less psychotic. There is only me talking in my head. I suddenly remember those accusing voices are not around for sometime. Those voices that make me very angry are not around. If they are I probably not conscious of them.

Maybe my meds withdrawal is coming to an end since I stop them about a year ago. I read somewhere it may last up to 2 years for some. So if that be my case, then I am half way through. If not, I may be getting of meds withdrawal.

Anyways I will wait and see what happens. Too early to jump in conclusion.

Rethinking Madness: Towards a Paradigm Shift In Our Understanding and Treatment of Psychosis
By PARIS WILLIAMS

Reviewed by MICHAEL APPOLLIONIO

If madness, or psychosis, is just a result of a physical defect in the brain, then it makes sense to devote little effort to understanding the experiences of mad people, and to focus instead on suppressing such experiences as much as possible. That’s what our vast “mental health” industry has been doing for decades, without success. In his book, Rethinking Madness: Towards a Paradigm Shift In Our Understanding and Treatment of Psychosis, psychologist Paris Williams outlines a very different approach — one that prioritizes understanding and the valuing of personal experiences.

Before writing this book, Williams spent time as a hang glider pilot, winning one world championship and several national awards. Then, he tells us, he experienced a mental crisis that could have been labeled psychosis, but avoided getting diagnosed or “helped” by psychiatry. Instead, he says, he worked through his experiences on his own. This caused him to become interested in helping others, and he became a psychologist and researcher focused on the detailed exploration of the experiences of people who have undergone psychosis and then full recovery.

One of the key ideas Williams sets forth is that psychosis, in the presence of the right conditions, can be expected to most commonly result in a positive outcome: an outcome that is better than the state that existed before the psychosis. This assertion flies in the face of most of what our culture thinks it “knows” about psychosis, but the author documents the argument well.

More: Rethinking Madness: Towards a Paradigm Shift In Our Understanding and Treatment of Psychosis | Psych Central

And: Amazon.com: Rethinking Madness: Towards a Paradigm Shift in Our Understanding and Treatment of Psychosis (9780984986705): Paris Williams: Books

Note:
I thought I have lost my marbles when I use psychosis to assist my recovery. Hey, I am not alone! This guy even wrote a book about it. I think he has gone through it. I am just in the process. Should I buy this book to compare notes?

I am now struggling with carbs' temptation. I really want to eat a packet of instant noodles. It's a whooping 50 grams of carbs. I will need to inject 14 units of rapid insulin and 3-4 units 2.5 hours after eating again. 17 units of rapid insulin is more than enough to cover my normal 2 meals with maximum of 12 grams of carbs per meal.

I know I will feel lousy after eating carbs. It never helps with my depression. I know what Depp has shown me makes me feel lousy. Thor says it is for me to know, so that I may live. But.. just a packet of noodles to make me feel better, or make me feel even more lousy? Sigh...

My bp is 136/96. Took some alpha blocker. Is that the solution?

I think I probably discover or getting close to one of the critical issues of my life that gives me existential crisis, my madness. I need time to let it sink in.

The feeling is mixed, hopelessness yet with much excitement that I can figure it out.

2 weeks now in depression.

I realize one thing, I think can influence my mood. I think that I can get out if I want to, because I can keep myself from going manic. I need to stay in depression, to stay with Depp, to iron out some things. I thought I can't make it, that I will leave Depp alone.

Thor says his way to my true self is through Depp. He asked me if it is possible to have my life back. Today I discover through Depp that I have begun to stopped living at my teen years, emotionally at least. Some have said that I was too sensitive. I think it is both, My emotional being stopped maturing beyond my rebellious teen years because of some unmet needs and my hyper sensitivity emotions made it harder for me to mature.

How am I going to solve this problem? I don't know yet. I'll figure it out. Thor will help me if I failed to come up with a solution.

Thor suddenly asked me to look backward instead of forward. I was shocked by what I saw. I saw myself carrying my mother's pains, moods, attitude and behavior. I wept and my wife comforted me. I let go of carrying her pains, moods...

It was time to let go of all that was not me... it is time to let go of all that is not me and live.

Reduce alcohol consumption to minimum level and had insomnia for 3 days. Will drink slightly more tonight. I think I will fall sick if I still can't sleep. I am feeling nauseous and aching all over my body. Thought of taking zolpidem since I still have some, but I don't think so.

Beginning to deal with pain and brokenness of betrayal. Don't know how to begin.

I think just do what I have been taught to do by Thor before. Accept the pain and brokenness and let them speak to me...

I need to know the extent of damage caused to me by the betrayal of my parents' love in order to heal.

I usually think that people hate me. I am beginning to like myself. I feel funny, liking myself.

Do people generally like themselves? Does this thought ever cross their mind? How do "normal" people generally feel about themselves?

The headache is still here. Don't know if it is because I don't drink enough alcohol or something more serious... I smoke less?

I just ask my wife if she likes herself. She thinks so. So I ask her how she feel about liking herself. She said normal people don't think like that.

Hmm...

I don't know why I think I am selfish in liking myself. I struggle between selfishness and selflessness. A upheaval of thoughts and emotions hit me. I need to quiet down.

Normal people don't struggle between selfishness and selflessness. What am i doing?

Who do I live for? What do I live for? That warm fuzzy feelings? That's me. That is who I am. I can't see further now. Can I see beyond myself? Am I narcissistic?

Who am I?

I sometimes answer myself on who am I , with "I am".

It is very difficult to affirm. It means so much to me.

"I am" covers everything. But most importantly that you are a conscious contemplative being. It's acceptance of things just are how they are that is Taoist belief, "the way". There is a type of yoga meditation where you name every thing that you are, people spend months on it until they end up at a peaceful "I am". May e doesn't make sense, I'm not expert