[avan]

Hi,

I so much hope that someone can help me here because I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I lost a lot of weight and I am very confused!
My husband and I married in August. He was married before. His wife died of cancer in 2008. They had a bad marriage especially towards the last 10 years. Although they been together for 30 years she was very insecure with him and never trusted that he loved her and always accused him of being with other women and he tried everything to proof the opposite. Also I heard she didn’t treat him nice and controlled him. I have noticed right from the beginning that he was sometimes up and down but didn’t think much of it. In the courtship he threatened 3 times leaving me when there was a little argument but I was hoping that gets better.

In general he is very nice and trying to do everything for me. He tells me a couple of times each day that he loves me, hugs and kisses me. After we left the courthouse he said with tears in his eyes that he will do his best to make me happy and his goal in life is to make his wife happy! But since then a constant up and down has happened. Only 2 days later we had a disagreement and I wanted to sort it out with him. He got up and quickly said "you know I have 72 hours to undo the marriage tomorrow". I was shocked and talked with him but he stuck to it. The next morning he realized I was like paralyzed and he apologized and was crying for 2 hours and saying how he could have done something like this.
But then around every 1 or 2 days, out of the blue the changes continued, he was easily irritated and just different to the other days! I said or did something he didn’t like, and he got quickly upset and didn’t want to hear a word, if I did say something to explain it he got more angry. When upset I could not reason with him, he is not rational and blames me for everything. He said always some of this: I’m a bad woman, harass him, treat him bad, and make his life miserable. I always tried to calmly and nicely speak to him but it never worked, he didn’t believe me anything at all and got more and more angry. He seemed sure about what he thinks (which is the total opposite of what he usually thinks!). Then he told me to stop and I have no chance but he already said horrible things. If I stayed with him he got more rude, saying things like: the biggest mistake was to marry you, I don’t love you anymore go to bed and leave me alone, you can pack and leave, we don’t move out anymore, we don’t move oversees anymore (my dream), he won’t come ever with me to church again, he will never talk and discuss things again, he also swears or says he is going to courthouse and divorcing.
When he calmed down he always completely changed his thinking again, his love returned, he was wonderful again, said he loves me more than anyone else again and wants to be with me forever. He said that when he gets angry he turns blind and doesn’t know me anymore, and does not see my good qualities and I am like an enemy, and while angry his love and compassion completely go away!!! And he can’t help me. Afterwards the love comes fully back when he calms down! This situation worsened over time.

I also can never have a long conversation just short ones. It looks he cannot cope with that, he tells me his brain cannot take it. When a visitor comes and speaks 20 mins I can see that by listening his eyes get heavy and often after listening to me for 30 mins he gets tired and falls asleep, same when we watch a film or go somewhere, he doesn’t get everything if it’s longer than 30 mins. If I talk longer he can get angry. Listening for long is not possible really. He mentioned a couple of times that his brain is full and sometimes about a stinging pain in his head. I also noticed that he often is unable to keep to agreements and promises, as it depends on his mood, and his whole thinking is always different according to his mood each day, he can change a couple of times during the day his thinking on everything!!! Since 2008 he has on and off some symptoms: a cloud in his head, tightness, water noise, spinning around, headache and doesn’t like long talking or going deep into things. He does work 60 hours each week as a restaurant manager although I don’t think that could do all of that.

Unfortunately he recently became violent! It happened already 9 times. He later always calms down and stops to blame me, cries and says to me that he loves me very much and wants me to be safe and that he doesn’t have control over himself at those moments and doesn’t trust himself, and is very worried more could happen. He wants to be with me but he also wants me to be safe.

As one example I am going to write down the worst incident that ever happened: One evening he came home and he talked about signing up for a program going to Mars, which he said will start in 10 years but has 8 years training. He went on and on about that. It’s like dying he says and no return home. He went on about this although I was getting more and more upset and reasoned with him that he would never see his kids and family. He said that it’s alright with him. First I thought it was a joke but it was not and he talked about sacrificing his life and having his name in a book. I couldn’t get through. He said he would do something for mankind and he expected I support him and if I say yes he would sign the next day. It was a very weird conversation. He stuck with his point and I almost cried as he didn’t mind to leave me forever.
Then he suddenly said: you are sick, you are sick for being upset about this. There is nothing wrong about this. He said he will anyway die at some point so what’s the problem as then we have to be separate as well. I told him there is a big difference about having no choice to leave and leaving voluntarily. Then much later in bed he said he understands me and now after I explained he said he should never have mentioned it. And apologized then lovingly took me in his arms as I was very stressed earlier, almost to the point of crying. We slept. In the middle of the night he pulled his arm away. I woke up and asked and he took my hand again. I asked him: do you love me and he got mad. Your f... woman....what is wrong with you....I said that it was very hard for me to have the conversation earlier. He got very angry and grabbed my neck for a moment and said he did nothing wrong at all. I said that he apologized and he said “I only did that because I hurt your feelings but I did nothing wrong”. He was very mad with me. Then he moved on the other side. After turning the air conditioning on. I asked if he will leave it on and that I’m very upset. He got extremely mad again and said “shut up now”. Shoved me away and said that he got hot and only moved his arm away and you f...***** must wake up and complain... My neck hurt and I said that his treatment is really unfair. He got more mad and hit his hand against the wood at the bed. Then he got up and left for sleeping in the living room and said he will come back soon.

I waited and later went there and asked if he comes back (I was really upset) ...he said no and how I mess things up and he came home only to be nice to his wife. I said no you apologized, do you remember and explained. He was mad at me talking and said if I take your face and twist your neck it will click and you will die, you know how close I am to killing you right now? and how much I want it? Do you know that!? I asked him to please calm down and he freaked out and looked for the knife (which I hide now). Then he took a pillow and hit it against my head. Then he took a plastic bottle and threw it after me. Also pushing me to the floor. And asking me to leave.
I was devastated. After a while I looked around the corner and said he can’t treat me that way anymore. I asked if I could ask him one question. He said yes. And seemed calmer. I tried to make sense and very quickly said something to him. When I just started he got extremely angry again. I said: Why are you mad? I asked if it’s ok! And he said I still shouldn’t even talk to him when he is like this because if someone has a gun people don’t go there but leave. I left and said something and he came after me throwing me by force on the bed. I got up cried and said: stop this PLEASE! He turned around. Do you want to be killed???
Then he threw me on bed and put a pillow on my face again, and again and again. I tried talking but couldn’t. Then I turned on my belly and said “I stop now”. He moved away and I said that I am very hurt but you probably don’t care. He said “no I don’t right now”. (in this state his love always completely leaves and he has no feelings left, which comes fully back later) He also said in my face: “stay here now. Do you want to be killed?” I said “no”. He: “So stay here!”

Next morning I didn’t come out of the bedroom. He came in at 11am and lied down at my back and hugged me. I didn’t do anything. He left and did the same again at 12am. At 2pm I got up and turned the light on, he came inside and took me in his arms and said:” I’m sorry”. I said what for? and he said “for hurting you.” I didn’t hug him back then he left very quickly.
30 mins later he came back in, ignored me, got dressed for work and went out. I went in the living room and asked him if he is going to work already (2 hrs earlier). He said yes. I said but you know I’m in a very bad state, emotionally. He said “yes.” Me: “So you leave me like this?” He: “I don’t know what to do anyway.” Me: “Well going away certainly wouldn’t help, don’t you think? You almost killed me last night!” He: “And I should have killed you, then it would be at least over by now.” What??? How can you say that??? Yes I should have killed you!

Then I sat down and he sat down too and said about breaking up and me living separately because he almost killed me and doesn’t want to make up because it will happen again and that he doesn’t trust himself! I said can you not see that something is wrong with you to get like that? He said you shouldn’t come to me and stop talking when I say stop then it wouldn’t happen! Normal people get angry that’s why people kill each other in marriage. I tell him it happens very rarely and it’s not normal and usually happens because of big problems like adultery and that I don’t do anything like that. He says that he can’t give me the love I need and fails to meet my needs and that I deserve a better man. And that when I say something he doesn’t like he gets like this. Then I cried and then he cried also. Then he got nicer and nicer and took me into his arms. And he cries on and off all the time. Then cries very much and says he loves me so very much and is so worried about my safety. And when he is like this he would never hurt me. But when he gets angry his love is gone and he is out of control. He would have killed me and only stopped with the pillow because I said I stop. Then I asked: So you don’t wish you would have killed me. He: “Of course not. I don’t know which part of my brain said that.” He also said he has a headache, pain and a cloud in his brain with a tight feeling; he has this since 4 years on and off.

After that he almost collapsed at work and got the symptoms again very bad with the cloud, spinning and tightness in his head.
So I was calling around to find a psychiatrist. I could only find a very old, retired one and he was very quiet and not giving much advice. After I read from my diary he said "I think its bipolar rapid cycling". He gave us samples of seroquel. My husband never goes into depression (as I think) although he says he doesn’t care if he dies all the time. But he does change all the time! Talking effects him badly, also going deeper into things! To make it short he almost took the meds and I asked to please do it on his day off, next day he got upset and flushed everything down the toilet! Then he ordered the tablets again!

He is still struggling to admit that he has a mental problem. He goes back and forward with that, when he is nice and calm he says: I must have that if all the psychiatrists you talked to on the phone say that and the psychiatrist we went to. But then at other times when he is upset he says: I am not sick you screw my brain. We just don’t fit together and are too different.

He then took Seroquel 3 days ago 200 mg and he was in agony all night and making noises and couldn’t deal with it, I almost called an ambulance! He said it felt worse than pain it was like nausea in all his limbs traveling around. It was like this all night and he really suffered! Then he was also like in a coma and slept for around 20 hours. After seeing him like this I wasn’t sure anymore if I want him to suffer like this! Or just leave!? He waits for me in the moment to make decisions it seems, he doesn’t want to worry about anything and can’t go deep into things as it bothers his brain and he gets headaches. He called the doctor and he was as always complacent and quiet. He said to the doctor: maybe I can break it in quarters and the doc said: yes ok. And apologized for putting him on this dosage. It was ridiculous. I think we both don’t trust that doctor anymore. So we stopped the seroquel. If I would have said “please take them again” he would have but I read so many bad things about seroquel that I don’t know what to do!? As I read some horrible things in some hidden web pages.
But what else can we do?

I said please get a second opinion and he said ok but only if they take my insurance! But since then we had some more upsets and each time he is upset he says: we should just break up, that he doesn’t want to fight anymore, and that he is maybe not even sick, I make him sick, or I’m sicker than him etc. In between when he is calm he says: yes I still think I have a condition, I want to be with you forever, I love you a lot....
It is an absolute nightmare!!! Is his behavior normal for bipolar????

Can someone please tell me if this sounds like bipolar? He always changes what he says and I cannot rely on anything. We make agreements but as soon as the situation has another upset he also changes his thinking. Then when we are slightly happier again he wants to do everything again. It’s so weird! What is this???

Yesterday morning he came from running and said that a Jewish man had stopped him running and said: “are you a Jew? do you want to read that?” and he said he would have liked to hit him because he shouldn’t stop people from jogging. I told him that his reaction is not normal but he thinks it’s normal and that the Jewish man did something really unacceptable! He said it’s the same as if your car gets stopped in the middle of the street. I don’t understand his reasoning!?
Then I wanted to read to him something. I did a lot of research about natural treatments. He said no and was very disappointed and said: “please, I only did that to help you”. Then he said ok and I read it to him 5 mins long. After that he said nothing, whether he wants to try it, as so often. I asked him what he wants to do and he said he doesn’t care what it is if I want to try it I should just buy it for him without telling him all this and got upset and went in the kitchen, I followed him and he was upset with me that his brain can’t take it and why I do this and go deep and read him about the numbers of the vitamins...then he said “be quiet”. I was very upset and said “but I only wanted to help you...” then he said he will get violent if I’m not quiet but I felt it was so unjustified. And I said “that it’s not fair please let’s make peace...” he then hit my head against the wall behind me not bad but he did.
Then we sat down and he continued to blame me saying that my psychotherapist friend from England had told me that he can’t take deep things and why I do that. I then told him that he is always different and some days he doesn’t get upset and I never know when this is. There were days when he said to me: Now you can talk 20 hours and I wouldn’t get upset. But he didn’t really listen and just told me that when he says stop I have to stop as a precaution and that I don’t treat him like a sick person and that he told me before in these moments my voice is like a hammer in his head! I replied and he replied, then he got upset and hit me with the empty plastic bottle. I was crying and he said that from the beginning I shouldn’t have read that to him as he didn’t want that. And I was devastated as just 1 hour before he was the most wonderful, considerate, loving men and we were very intimate and he was so kind. And now that!

I asked for a hug as I could not cope anymore! But he refused and said: “you know at these moments I don’t feel I did something wrong about the hitting, I’m still angry, I don’t feel sorry for you, even if you cry now. I don’t care about you right now.” Well, that went on like this and a bit later I cried again and he took me in his arms. I asked and he said his anger is almost gone but he has a headache again! He cuddled me but then before going to work said in his normal frame of mind: “you have to move out. It’s not working. I could have killed you easily.” And although we agreed on trying the relationship and meds for 4 weeks and he said he wants to fight for the relationship and see another doctor, he now said: no.
In the evening he came home and I had a little talk with him, he then said he wants to be with me forever and wants to still fight.

This morning we had an upset again as he didn’t like something I do and then he said: I think you should leave now. And I tried to reason and say: but we wanted to try. He said” it anyway won’t work." I said that he hasn’t even tried another tablets or doctor. And then he said “we are just different personalities”. And then again that he does have a condition but even if he gets more stable it won’t work. And about my anxiety. And I said I only have that because of his ups and downs and his sickness. And then he said he doesn’t believe medication will work. A sick person is a sick person. And I said: "What??? But you said when you took the 1 seroquel that you do it because you want to get better?"
Everything what he says is very confusing to me. When he just now left for work I asked him if he wants me to go now. He said: not now. And I asked if he wants to continue to try and he said: "yes." I know if I would ask him tonight how long he wants to be with me I am sure he would say “forever”. But I’m also sure that if 1 hour later he gets upset with me he will say again: "it’s not working, I don’t want this anymore. I’m not taking the meds. I’m not doing this anymore; I’m not doing that anymore.” When calm he will do everything again.

And this is how it goes all the time. I dont even know who he is and what he really wants anymore ??? Because he changes what he says so often! Is he lying or is it bipolar? Some other psychiatrist who has not seen him suggested schizoaffective disorder.
I would be really glad if someone can give me their opinion on what I have written as I’m very confused as he also is blaming me often for not stopping when he says stop and for having anxiety. But all this just happens as he goes up and down and I can’t handle this. (I never had anxiety with my last boyfriend of 4 years.) But now my husband gets upset suddenly and quickly, I want to solve it and explain it but on those days it doesn’t work and he doesn’t listen and then says bad things about me and wanting to leave me and then says stop. If I don’t because I’m already emotionally so very much hurt and want to know if he really is leaving, and lovingly say things, well then he threatens to hit me and then does hit me. But at those other days he is quiet, calm and nice!

And what should I do about the medication?
Should he take a quarter Seroquel tonight?
Or should I wait for Monday and make an appointment at another psychiatrist the one which is good and I talked to before? (but until then he might not want this anymore!)
I am so desperate right now!!!

[cocoabeans]

Wow that was long. Frankly, with the way he is treating you, bipolar or not, medical condition or not, leave. He's a poster for domestic violence and abuse. I know you want answers for what is wrong with him but, that isn't an excuse to take his abuse and no one here can give him a fancy label anyways. For your own safety, leave.

[Anika.]

You really really need to leave before he really does kill you. My ex used to say and do much of the same stuff to me, actually the similarities are pretty freaky. It will not change expcept for the fact that it will probably get much much more severe until you are seriously injured or dead.

Can you get yourself to a womens shelter. Honestly I don't think even going to family or friends is a good safe option with a man like this. I really hope you will start to think about yourself and put his issues aside now.

This is not bipolar behaviour, no medication to treat this. Even if he has some kind of disorder there are no meds to cure abuse. He has to want that and want it bad. He doesn't seem interested in getting help nor taking actual responsiblity. Everything he told you about his deceased wife I would seriously not take his word. I wonder how he treated her as well...likely the same way he is treating you.

I really hope you can find the strength and courage to leave. I have been there, I know it is not easy but for your safety it seems a must. This is a very serious situation and you can not fix him or help him.

In general it sounds like he treats you absolutely horrible. That is the cycle of abuse ..abuse your partner then be real nice and sweet for a while. They call it the honeymoon period between abuse cycles. Usually the abuse just becomes more severe each time. And that is what keeps people in it, because the abuser can be so sweet and act so careing between the cycles that it makes it extremely hard to see it for what it is. Not to mention that your own self worth and esteem becomes so beat down you literally starts to believe you need this person, when they are the last person you need.

I hope you will see it and see that you are worth so much more. Staying puts not just your physical body at stake but also your mind and spirit..your very being. I am very concerned that you sound more concerned about him than yourself at this time.

You have a man in your home who is dreadfully mentally ill, and you need to make sure that you are safe. Violence escalates, and you are at risk for being seriously injured.

The members are right, in my view. You should make arrangements to leave, having
a secure place where you might go. In addition, get a restraining order against him preventing him from contacting you or being near you again.

[Victoria'smom]

If you want to fight for this he needs to be in-patient, and you need to live in separate homes. Both of you should go to Intensive out-patient in different locations. Get intensive couples counseling (3x / wk) and only see him there until he's stable enough until all parties agree that public dinner dating is okay, move on to weekends and slowly build up as you truly feel safe. I'm seriously talking not living together for 3+ years but that's a short time to the rest of your life.

With really severe mental illness you have to have alarge therapeutic support team. I'm talking different individual therapist and psychiatrists for each family member, a couples counselor, family counselor if your bringing kids into the picture and a fast track to a crisis center on speed dial. It'll feel like you live in mental health offices the rest of your life but you want to make this work safely.

I want you to get a lot of therapy so you don't jump from bad relationship to bad relationship. The fact that your so understanding / complacent to this kind of treatment really makes me worry about your mental health. As for him it'll take years and tons of work to come back from that bad of a space. When he's finally stable he then can finally work in therapy, then he has to stay compliant for a long time before you start rebuilding your relationship. Then you both have to continue being compliant and working that hard to keep the relationship. Even then your risking your life.

Are you that dedicated?
Is he?

It doesn't sound like bi-polar. If you do go to a psychiatrist please hand him your post.