not sure what to call this

Had few sleepless nights lately. Too much thinking about things I have been supressing.

It's been weird past several months. when I went to Ukraine after realizing i will have to spend extra semester in school... I was hoping for the country to save me. It did, I guess. But hard to be around fussy young Ukrainian project leaders and Slovenian teachers when you feel at moments you wanna die. But shiny things and kitsch of Ukraine did distract me pretty well. I guess it worked like replacement of my morbid thoughts.

But that is long time ago. And maybe existance of Yalta by itself cannot keep a girl alive... or?

It was weird to live with my mom, since I have been out of the house for long time... basically since high school, because I commuted to city 30 km away back then... so home was where I went to sleep... so just now I realized some things. And where I gotten my crazy from (although mom blames father's side. Not really fair since all of them are dead and cannot defend themselves). But as for my mom... it's been hard, as much as I love her. I had to make some decisions for both of us... just hope I did the right thing. Still not sure if she accepts my non-heterosexuality.

Speaking of dead people... I guess I really suck at resolving grief issues. I really do. So I am seeking post-mortem approval actually from my dead relatives. And avoiding those that are still alive, because I am afraid I am not good enough for them... and they must think I am truly strange thing.

But well, so I finished school, with realization that what I love triggers me quite a bit (and not to the normal person's degree "politics makes me depressed". It's much more complicated but I don't wanna go there). I gotten some approval ("ambitious thesis") from my prof. Yay me... I almost killed myself on it. But that is not something to mention in academia, since we are to be detached.

It's not like everything was going wrong. Objectivelly not really. Still the bad **** from the past lingers. Sometimes I still do think of going out with a broader message (only nobody would care, and I am not ready to be disappointed with people post-mortem. And I still wanna try to matter in life, since there's no reasonable way to die for **** over here. If there was a revolution, I'd be so in).

sorry if it doesn't make sense. I had to get it out. Just being very retrospective lately. Tenatively looking towards future. I hope it's there.

I dont really know what to say Venus, but I'm really sorry you've been affected so badly by things so important to you.

I hope you're wrong about your family. Maybe they can accept you as is, and you won't have to wait for post-mortem approval from them

You are in my thoughts VenusHalley

A couple of thoughts - your mother may think that by never accepting this fact, she keeps up pressure on you to change, therefore you will change. Whereas if she accepted it, you would have no reason to change. This presumes of course that it is possible to change. She knows it is not possible to change, but it is possible to make other choices, IgnorIng your feelIngs and true beIng, and she wants you to make choices she approves of. My mother spoke of a lesbian relative "choosing" not to have a husband and children. She didn't talk about much, so I have to think this was something she understood personally.

2nd, keep looking, the right job is out there somewhere. I am so hopeful and proud of you.

Please take care.

I hope that one by one these issues start to resolve themselves. Just take care of yourself and do things you enjoy.

Venus, I do not know if Yalta alone is enough to keep a girl alive, but it did help Chechov, who was one of the greatest dramatists humanity has produced, recover from a horrible disease of the lungs. He wrote some of his best pieces while living in Yalta. So you are definitely not alone liking the place.

I hope you're wrong about your family. Maybe they can accept you as is, and you won't have to wait for post-mortem approval from them

I guess part of the problem is they are different generation. A WWII and few regime changes and occupations happened since they were born, so maybe they stopped following the world along that. And I don't fit in any era and place... so hard to except to be "got".

Hankster... I am trying to put that (my mother and my sexuality) on hold for now. We'll see how things go when I get into big immoral Prague.


Venus, I do not know if Yalta alone is enough to keep a girl alive, but it did help Chechov, who was one of the greatest dramatists humanity has produced, recover from a horrible disease of the lungs. He wrote some of his best pieces while living in Yalta. So you are definitely not alone liking the place.


Yalta was one of the places to my bucket list (because Yalta conference... I am such nerd). I did see Chekhov's house there. I plan to go back one day. Crimea definitelly helped to keep my focus of horrible things at that point. So we'll see about it.

Anyways thanks everybody. Trying to keep going. And distract and look for good omens and pray. For myself and all the people in my life.

Keep thinking of Prague, that sounds like a fun and exciting change. My ex gf would go there to visit some family, come back with stories of very good times. I'm more reserved than her though, I would just be excited to be among old world architecture, museums, people watching, etc. but it sounds like an awesome way for you to start new chapter in life.

Take care...I have no "advice" to offer but wanted to let you know I read your post. I can relate to having a busy mind.

You're making a big transition in life and discovering that you really don't want to be with men. These are huge changes and warrant worries.

<3 Things will get better and more clear as you gain confidence outside of academia.

Uhh I have to go to work or I'd write some sobby thing. <3 Good luck girl.

Dear Venus,

I think that you have been preparing for the transitional period of your life in the past few years, and now that it is finally upon you, it's hit you harder than you have expected. At the same time, despite your many achievements and accomplishments, you've never really taken the time to address certain aspects of your life and past, because you had so much going on for yourself.

Now that you're at the slight lull before the next leg of your life, with more time to yourself, everything feels like it's pushing into you. Being stuck back home for the first time in a loooooong time doesn't help as well....mothers have a way of making us a bit cray cray. After having poured everything into academia, it's just a lot of pressure to be somewhere else completely different in life.

More than anything, you're just someone who has a drive to do something. Until you find a way to properly address that using your knowledge and experience, something will always feel off or wrong, even if on the surface, things seem fine. If anything, we both know that it's when your surface life is perfect to most people, it's a nightmare.

You're already used to really being the only adult you can depend on. Try to accept the past as it comes to you, let yourself feel accordingly (don't just distract yourself all the time), but most importantly keep striving towards your goals. You won't be happy until you've found your place to do what you love, even if it kills you. That's what you're destined for.

^ Really thoughtful!

I don't want to hit the like button because I find it kind of weird since there is a "thanks" already.

I was going to say something like that though. I finished uni and spent half a year pitying myself before I got enough courage to move on/tackle stuff. I hope you don't do what I did.

Post thesis job hunting is not fun. It's a hard transition particularly with the problems that BP gives us at times. Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and that you are not alone.
Family are hard to deal with at the best of times so don't feel bad that you have struggles with that. I hope that you can accept who you are and not seek after their approval. Because its not healthy to live your life for other people.

I think it is more like it is not healthy to live your life on other people... Sorry, my english is not good. Resolving grief issues takes time. Sometimes we keep on going back to the issues at different stages of our lives till we find some ways to resolved them whether the people involved are dead or alive.