[Nessa213]

This is more of me ranting/venting rather than a question. So I first must apologize. Not sure if this might be triggering to someone or not, but I marked it as such just in case.

Starting yesterday that voice in the back of my head that tells me what a huge embarrassing failure I am came back. I've tried positive thinking. I've tried ignoring it. I should know better, really. Ignoring it doesn't work as well as it used to. It's an insistent little bugger. It likes to tell me that I'm a failure. That I've done nothing good. That everything I touch turns completely to crap. That I'm a terrible mother and my daughter deserves far better. (excuse me while I cry)

The horrible part is, is that I KNOW it's not real. I KNOW what it is. The part of my brain that can still reason and rationalize KNOWS that that voice is a damn dirty liar. But I can't help but to hear it. And part of me can't help but to believe it. What have I done wrong? ... What HAVEN'T I done wrong...

As I look around the room I'm sitting in I see nothing but reminders of what a bad person I am. I see the wallet that holds the 17 credit cards I once overused while I was unemployed and had no business holding ANY credit cards, let alone 17. I see the filth, the absolutely wretched grime that covers everything, visible proof that I am a lousy housekeeper. Ah yes, the several Sephora bags... my latest obsession. My car payment doesn't get paid but damn it I can go get more makeup! (heavy sarcasm) The quilt on the bed that's ripping and torn because I once thought I could sew.

Why can I see nothing but the negative right now? I'm trying... I really really am... why can't I see it?

[Travelinglady]

To answer your question, I think you have picked the correct mood. You are depressed, and depressed people are just prone to seeing negatively. Perhaps you have made some errors, but not one of us is perfect.

Are you getting help right now from a professional?

[purpledaisy]

I feel your pain.

I don't have anything positive to offer. Just wanted to let you know that this sounds like a normal part of our un-normal (non-normal?) lives.

At times, it is so easy to look around and see everything that is wrong in our lives, the missed opportunities, the spending sprees with nothing tangible left except for the bills arriving each month, the relatives and acquaintances with families or relationships that are missing from our lives and remind us of the emptiness in our own lives, the friends who have climbed up the corporate ladder while we keep getting fired, who have manated to buy mansions and have country club memberships while the only club I can stay in is the club of crazy.

You're normal.

You're depressed.

I'm depressed right now, too.

Plus I've got PMS big time, so I'm tearing myself apart even worse than normal

Yes, it's the chemical imbalance that's causing this, in my view. Please go in and talk to a psychiatrist and get on the right medication to correct the imbalance, then you'll be able to manage the things you want to accomplish.

Later, if you wish, we can talk about diet changes to help. But for now, please try to get the chemistry stable.

Take care.

[Nessa213]

Thanks guys. I couldn't get in to see a pdoc until next Tuesday. Since my original diagnosis was over 10 years ago and with a doctor I couldn't track down, I need to get reevaluated before I can get any medication. Despite seeing the GP last week, she really didn't know enough to give me an official diagnosis. On my paper she just listed it as an "unspecified episodic mood disorder", but couldn't give me any medication.

Yesterday my husband, literally 10 times, asked me what was wrong. When I kept saying "nothing" he gave me the typical face. I finally snapped at him and told him he was making it worse. Then he gave me the familiar line "ok, I'll just leave you alone now" while he went to sulk on the couch. Again... making it worse.

I'm getting that familiar "run away and hide" feeling. :/ And I don't like it one bit.

[bpinOk]

I believe 100% of us know exactley how u feel, you are not alone in this

[Confusedinomicon]

Maybe you can try and find some financial counseling? Is that an option? They may be able to break up your payments so things are affordable for you.

I think being honest with your husband and working together to figure out solutions may help your stress levels. If you struggle with communicating with him now, look for a sliding-scale therapist who focuses on relationships.

I'm a really bad house-keeper, too. So is my boyfriend. If I lived in anything that was bigger then a 1 bedroom I'd be in trouble!