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  #1  
Old Feb 21, 2013, 04:37 PM
Anonymous32734
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TL;DR: Jump to last paragraph

Hello!
I'm sorry if this turns out like a self-pitying rant. I'm really trying to be likeable, honestly.

I'm 22, male, from Norway. I'm writing this because I need to vent, and because I need someone to say something to me. Something that matters. Anything. Even criticism would make me feel better.

I'm not okay right now.

I have BPD with paranoid traits and a drug addiction (mostly alcohol and weed). I have been depressed (dysthymic, periodically hyperthymic) for as long as I can remember, which isn't that long - I have almost no memories from before the age of 9, and I remember very little from before I moved away from home at 19. My memory fades, depression and drugs do that to you. I also have bipolar disorder, most likely bipolar II.

BPD: I have my BPD very much under control. I am nothing like the people with BPD you read about online, I don't have rage fits, in fact all of my personal relationships are very stable and good. I am in a committed relationship with someone who really loves me. I don't do splitting anymore and I've longe since stopped cutting.

Addiction: I'm improving much with regards to my drug addiction. I'm down to about once, and not much, every second day. My goal is twice a week by sunday next week and then eventually once a week. By the way, have respect for drug addicts. This is TOUGH! I can't even imagine how serious heroin addiction is.

BD: My bipolar and chronic depression, however, are not doing so good. the BP really started about a year and a half ago, but I've been on meds for most of the time, untill December 2012. In the last three days I have been completely euphoric, then severely depressed, full of energy and then drained and tired a few hours later. I have been joyous and loving towards everyone and everything for a while and then ****ing irritable and just full of hate after that. This sucks. This definitely sucks. Obviously rapid cycling of some sort, but honestly I think I prefer it that way. At least I know it will pass quickly.

The point: I've lived like this for a long time. I know how to manage my personality disorder. I make up for it by being a good person, and at the end of the day I do actually feel good about myself. But this is too ****ed up. I feel like I can't do this much longer. How am I supposed to cope when all I ever have to look forward to is the drugs (and hypomania, but I try not to look forward to that), and even that is bad for me? Everything is either very painful or just dreary. I thought severe major depression was hell, but when the depression becomes chronic it kills MDE by just looking in its general direction. And the euphoria? What the hell? WHY, fate? WHY would you give me 6 hours of bliss just to drag me even further down than I was before? How do bipolar people cope with this? It feels like everything is falling apart. I constantly think about suicide. I lie all the time, mostly about petty things that don't even matter to me, because it just seems so pointless. Why not lie? I lie so often that I don't believe in the stuff I say to myself anymore. I need my therapist to believe in it for me, so I can too, but how do I do that when I can't even remember the stuff that matters untill I'm drunk or crashing down from hypomania? I'm either emotionally blunted or just spinning out of control, I forget everything, I'm an addict, I'm a liar, my personality (the core of who I am as a person) is sick, I'm sick and I feel completely lost. What's the point? Seriously. SERIOUSLY! Why do you people bother? Is it really worth living just to not hurt other people? I wish I was one of the sad and dying people in Grey's Anatomy. Haha. :-)

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  #2  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 03:08 AM
Anonymous32734
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Oh and I was on 10 mg Zyprexa and 200 mg Lamictal. Lexapro made me seriously hypomanic.
  #3  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 07:55 AM
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Darth Bane Darth Bane is offline
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i found myself in same condition this week .... i kept asking myself "does it matter?" " does it really matter?" whatever i am doing..

and thanks for adding grey's anatomy reference.... of all tv girl characters i think Meredith grey will be so perfect for me.... seriously, i mean she is so depressed and unlucky most of the times......
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I am lost in my own mind !

Hypo-mania and Depression are alike a Knife of Dreams !

Dx - Bipolar II

I'm not feeling well ... I got pain !!! Effie, We all got pain !!!!!
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  #4  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 08:43 AM
"Tilly may" "Tilly may" is offline
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wow, um like hang in there. i am just thinking wow, youve dealt with alot so far. And it seems that you have a positive attitude. So hey thats a good thing right? Im thinking of you and sending my positive vibes your way.
  #5  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 09:00 AM
Anonymous45023
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Welcome AndreC!

I was just about to get off the computer and try to sleep when I saw your post thusfar unanswered, so staying up a bit later it was!

In answer to your question "How do bipolar people cope with this?" Heh. Well, I've been dealing with it for longer than you've been alive, and still, the only answer I've really managed to come up with is: Sometimes better, sometimes worse.

I'm really impressed that you've been able to do so well in regards to your BPD. I have heard that it can really be hard. Someone very dear to me has with these behaviors, coupled with no insight at all. It's painful to stand helplessly by, seeing so clearly what is happening and knowing how much pain he could save himself if he could only understand to even begin to be able to work on it. If it is ok to ask, how did you get a handle on it? How did you come to see what was going on? Did you figure it out by reading? Did someone say something? How was their approach received, and if the answer is, "not well", how would you rather they have approached it? What drove your motivation?

(Seeing how it's 6am, might be time for me to wrap it up, seeing how I've grilled you with so many questions. Oh. Right. And sleep. Should get some of that...)
  #6  
Old Feb 22, 2013, 11:24 AM
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faerie_moon_x faerie_moon_x is offline
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Hi, welcome to PC!

I agree with Innerzone that it just depends on your cycle where you're at with coping. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It's important to use coping skills all the time, but that's often easier said than done. You already know a lot of these skills from your work with BPD.

You say you've been on meds before. Are you currently seeing a pdoc? If you're not interested in meds maybe a therapist will help. Talk therapy can be very helpful, I find. Someone who knows about the combination of BP and BPD would probably be good.

Also maybe track your moods? Sometimes that can be helpful, to learn your own personal patterns.
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Old Mar 09, 2013, 07:03 AM
Anonymous32734
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Sorry for taking so long to answer, I'm feeling particularly low on energy and I've had some stuff to deal with lately. "Stuff", being mostly "mom".

Thank you so much for all of the replies! I read them as soon as they popped in, and they really brightened my day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Welcome AndreC!

I was just about to get off the computer and try to sleep when I saw your post thusfar unanswered, so staying up a bit later it was!

In answer to your question "How do bipolar people cope with this?" Heh. Well, I've been dealing with it for longer than you've been alive, and still, the only answer I've really managed to come up with is: Sometimes better, sometimes worse.
I was hoping you would say "it gets better".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
I'm really impressed that you've been able to do so well in regards to your BPD.
Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
I have heard that it can really be hard. Someone very dear to me has with these behaviors, coupled with no insight at all. It's painful to stand helplessly by, seeing so clearly what is happening and knowing how much pain he could save himself if he could only understand to even begin to be able to work on it. If it is ok to ask, how did you get a handle on it? How did you come to see what was going on? Did you figure it out by reading? Did someone say something? How was their approach received, and if the answer is, "not well", how would you rather they have approached it? What drove your motivation?

(Seeing how it's 6am, might be time for me to wrap it up, seeing how I've grilled you with so many questions. Oh. Right. And sleep. Should get some of that...)
It really is hard, it still is even though I have good control over my overt behavior. Having BPD is harrowing and confusing, you easily end up losing all contact with yourself (whatever that is) and your social surroundings (or lack thereof). The emotional side of it resembles BD in many ways, and is much more difficult to control. I still feel empty inside, especially when I'm alone, and I often jump to the conclusion that nobody loves me, even though I should know better. Emotions are disproportionate to what's actually going on - I feel most empty inside when people tell me they love me or try to hug me, and I can get extremely angry from small annoyances. I have learned that I need to contain these feelings, and that makes it all more manageable.

For better and worse, it helped to have friends who always pointed out my flaws and told me how I needed to change. I'm glad I don't have those friends anymore, but it was an eye-opener. I'm very attuned to how other people perceive me in social situations, and that inhibits me but it also helps me bridge the gap between how I see things and how other people see things. When the world becomes too difficult I simply stay at home or hang out with people I know very well without talking about any of the touchy subjects. My friends now are much more understanding, they don't tell me how I should be or what I should do (mostly), and that makes living with BPD a lot simpler. I can't stay sane without good friends. I try to be honest with them about my diagnosis so that they can understand me better, but many things, like my suicidal thoughts and the extreme anger I sometimes feel are not things I think they need to know. I don't have to tell my friends when I feel like punching them in the face, and it won't make it easier for them to understand me if I tell them that I wish I were dead. Or that I sometimes wish everyone else were dead too. I guess my main motivation has been wanting to feel loved, like it almost always is for BPD patients.

Also, music really helps me when I feel empty.

Last edited by Anonymous32734; Mar 09, 2013 at 07:27 AM.
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  #8  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 07:17 AM
Anonymous32734
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_heart_x View Post
Hi, welcome to PC!
Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_heart_x View Post
I agree with Innerzone that it just depends on your cycle where you're at with coping. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. It's important to use coping skills all the time, but that's often easier said than done. You already know a lot of these skills from your work with BPD.
What coping skills do you rely on? And do you manage to do avoid the "bad stuff" when you're hypo? Like drugs, not eating and avoiding sleep. I'm afraid I need to change some of my unhealthy coping skills.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_heart_x View Post
You say you've been on meds before. Are you currently seeing a pdoc? If you're not interested in meds maybe a therapist will help. Talk therapy can be very helpful, I find. Someone who knows about the combination of BP and BPD would probably be good.

Also maybe track your moods? Sometimes that can be helpful, to learn your own personal patterns.
I am not seeing a psychiatrist regularly at the moment (I'm not sure what the equivalent of a pdoc is in Norway), but I have talked to my psychologist about meds. We agreed a while ago, with the help of my psychiatrist, that I should stop taking my meds so that I could get more out of the BPD therapy, but now my mental health has deteriorated a lot and I think it would be better for me to take the meds again. I have lost a lot of control over my thoughts and emotions, I can't really think straight because it all depends on whether I'm "up", "down" or somewhere in-between. However, I also want them to figure out what sort of bipolar issues I have (and to actually recognize them, which I feel they're hesitant about - might be my paranoia). While I was on the meds I almost didn't have any symptoms of hypomania, so that would complicate the diagnostic part.
  #9  
Old Mar 09, 2013, 07:24 AM
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pegasus pegasus is offline
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I have to admit I did the TL;DR and went to the last paragraph and then read the rest of your post from the bottom up!

I guess the point is we do get through all these things somehow but it's about having the support to do so. You can cope with anything with the right support! I'm glad you joined us, keep sharing.
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