Had an "episode". So embarrassed and ashamed

So yesterday was mother's sunday.

I don't normally like family occasions because my brother is there and I can't stand him. He's stuck-up, egotistical, pedantic and above all arrogant. I suffered a lot of grief from him through my life and he used to beat me up which is one reason (among others) he got kicked out of our house years ago.

Anyway I made a real effort to be a good family member. I took through everyone's food for my sister (who was hosting the family meal for the occasion), cleared the table, brought through chairs for people that had nowhere to sit, etc.

During the main meal was the first blow. Not only did my brother get arsey and argumentative with the rest of the family members, he also made a dig at me by saying sarcastically "You must be so proud not having a job and being on benefits" when I was attempting to be positive when talking about reapplying for a driving license (was rejected on medical grounds due to bipolar when I first applied) and talking about a job interview I have this week.

I sort of managed to get that off my mind and move on.

Then when we went to leave my sisters and go home, I said "I might go and do an open university course" and immediately my step dad (who only EVER speaks to me to criticize me) said: "Oh can you do those when you sleep in until 3pm and are as lazy as you are?" and then my brother joined in the attack and I felt like the bulls-eye of a dart board.

I just walked out. I couldn't take that. Everyone speaking over each other, my step-dad and "brother" talking about me being lazy and never getting anywhere.

Then my step-dad, mum and nan pulled up beside me when they left and were going home (by this time I had walked about a mile away from the house) and told me to get in the car. As soon as I got in, it continued and my mum mimicked me in a mocking tone when I asked for people to not speak to me. This was it. I burst out crying, shouted at my step dad, then jumped out of the moving car and just walked off and hid for an hour until mum persuaded me to tell her where I was.

I can't stand living with my step-dad. Even my mum admits he doesn't understand me and how the disorder affects me.

The biggest kick in the teeth is that I am TRYING to be positive and get my life back on track by talking about getting a car and re-applying for a driving license, going to job interviews and even talking about open university and distance learning courses and all I get is criticism.

I've lost all hope. I feel as though everyone is against me. I KNOW that my step-dad and brother are. I feel alone. And hurt. And I don't have the motivation anymore.

I just feel ashamed and embarressed because me shouting and jumping out the car made my nan cry. I've also got a really sore jaw from where I punched myself in the face repeatedly (I do that when I'm over-stimulated and stressed out). My family know I have Asperger's and Bipolar and yet some of them are still horrible and nasty to live with.

I don't even feel comfortable in my own house with my step-dad here and don't eat or drink anything until night when my step-dad goes to bed.

:'(

I honestly dont know what to say right now (just had a huge argument with MY arrogant completely selfish brother) but wanted to give you some love and hugs ssssss

What a bunch of jerks! People like that are not worth your tears, RB. It sounds like a good plan you have to re-apply for a license and try to do some classes and job interviews. People like that really make me angry. They are just trying to build themselves up by breaking you down. They are bullies. I hate bullies.

It's wrong of your mom to mock you like that, too. What does she expect. That makes me mad. It's a mom's job to defend her kids, especially from emotional abuse like that.

You try to block them out and keep up with your plan. That's what I've learned. Sometimes you have to prove the world wrong. Then you can laugh in their faces. The best revenge is proving people wrong!

Also, RB, my SI manifests as hitting, also. I know what you mean, suddenly you just can't help it and it explodes like that. I've been there a lot of times, myself, even pretty recently. So, you're not alone. You're a good guy, and I believe in you. Don't give up because of those jerks!

Don't beat yourself over such a useless group of people. Your a strong person and was just put in a bad situation that you should never have to deal with. Stay safe much love

Don't give up. I know your family has hurt you but don't give up on yourself and your dreams. Do the best you can and tell them that. Their reactions to you are their our, try not to attach yourself to their negativity.

Dear Resident Bipolar,

Bipolar or not your family would make anybody blow. You sound like you are really trying to be the better person, and believe me you are. They are a bunch of wasters instead of trying to help you they only put you down. I always tell my kids not to bother with people that make you feel bad about yourself, But, thats ok for me to say that. When its your family its a different story. Go ahead and make your plans and see about a course. You are the bigger person the better person and prove them all wrong.

wow dude thats rough. id lose it too with them there. i do similar things when extremely overstimulated anxious or stressed.
screw them. just do what youre going to do with school and driving, etc and let them be miserable and negative all the time.
just completely ignore them. when they dump all on you like jerks dont even respond or show any emotion, suck it in as hard as it is. that will surely annoy them that theyre not getting to you. dont let them see how much they upset you bc it seems like they feed on that and then push further when they get the reaction they want from you. thats awful. keep your head up and just focus on what you want to do.

Man I'm sorry. When family does that it really hurts. Do u see a T? If u do maybe give them a call. remember u are strong, you can make it through this.
Best wishes, passionskyy

Definitely jerks.

It doesn't feel good when the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally treat you this way.

Hang in there.

I'm NOT defending them but they probably do it because they don't understand you. Ignorance is the basis of so much hate. It's nearly impossible to say don't let it get to you because it's your family and they shouldn't treat you like ****-but you aren't lazy. I feel like many people think I'm lazy too. People can't wrap their minds around our behaviors because they don't experience what causes those behaviors.

Hang in there. Your bipolar family (that would be us) gets you and supports you. Don't know if the means anything to you but I thought I'd put it out there.

I'm so so sorry about what you went through. It could have made anyone lose control, illness or not. Really.

Think about how awesome it will be when you prove them all wrong. (This could be my vindictive side talking.) Keep going on the path you're going and don't let ANYONE get in your way, family or not.

Also, good luck on your interview this week!!

That is so mean and horrible I'm so sorry you went through that.
You have a big kind heart please be safe

wow. your first blow wouldve been my last straw. i wouldnt have stayed to hear the rest.

i punch myself too btw as a form of SI. im right there with you.

take care ok?

Wow! I'm so sorry to hear about that. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You are not the bad person here. You are making great strides in trying to improve yourself by getting your license, applying for a job, taking a college course. Anyone with a heart should be applauding and encouraging you.

I think this is a good example of people not understanding mental illness and bullying those that have it. It's no excuse for their behavior, but it's representative of a larger problem in our country about how mental illness is perceived.

PS. I should add you're a lot stronger than I am. I'd never handle a situation like that as well as you did.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sometimes I feel like I'm so alone in it, and everyone wants to see me fall! Well they got very close, it's all your replies that made me realize I'm not an absolute failure. I know I sleep late, but it's because there's nothing to do. Mum snidely remarks "House work?". Well mum, that takes a maximum of what, 2 hours? Then I'm bored again and feel empty and have nothing to do. I currently have nothing to wake up for, that's why I want to start a distance learning course. So, dear step-dad, I DO NOT need to horribly remarking on me being lazy and therefore not being able to do a course.

Anyway

On a slightly more positive note, the same day at night me and mum had a very emotional conversation. There was a fair bit of shouting. She admitted that my step dad "doesn't understand you at all" (you meaning me). In the end we BOTH ended up crying and I think she recognized I neeeded support and understanding, as she begged me to "Stop this! Get out of that horrible world!". I think she realized that when I get stressed I do tend to push them away, especially when it's my own "family"'s doing.

I refused money from her, called her by her first name instead of 'mum', but in the end she forced me into hugging her and we ended up crying and hugging for about 10 minutes.

SO at least, in part, my mum understands.
As for my sister, she said "None of us listen to what your brother says, I know he's given you a tough time over the years, but just do what I do, ignore everything that comes out of his mouth".

Thank you everyone
RB ♥