Check in...

I'm tired of being sick, and fed-up of having no direction yet again. Lost and stuck does not look good on me folks.

I'm sick AGAIN, some sort of viral infection... A UTI, Flu, Tonsilitus and now this, all in what? 2 months maybe?
Also you guys were right, my wisdom tooth is retarded, its lying down, yep, horizontally just beneath my gum, I now have such hectic inflammation the dentist thought my gum suffered a chemical burn...

I'm stressed because I need a job, soon, but not too soon, because then I don't get certification, and this year at ADT was then a waste. So I'm kinda stuck, and those of you who know me, know I suffer from "caged tiger syndrom" when stuck...

So I've been trying to "monitor" my stress, no luck, Idk how stressed I am, and I guess that's because bf makes me so damn happy and being inlove and proud of myself with vigilantly battling the bpd stuff, it kinda clouds how much things actually suck.

I'm happy life is mostly good, but sometimes tears escape or my head starts pounding because its sort of too much. But it passes so quickly, really fleeting.

Example: lastnight, I nearly cried when Gary said "you shouldn't leave the lid on, the food will smell like plastic" (we were reheating leftover supper lil bro and I) I retorted with "you're always criticizing me" tears in my eyes and all. Like seriously WTF? Went to wash my face, and rejoined him in his room to watch more Arrow episodes, previous tears forgotten.

So idk where I'm at, sick and really tired, and worried.
Dh pointed out that I'm quiet, so just thought I'd atleast have the decency to check in.

Trippin, I'm am sorry you feel so bad!!Headaches are the worst, especially with a bad tooth!I know what it feels like to be tired all the time too. I'm on several meds and can hardly keep my head up most of the time. I hope you feel better and wish you happiness!

By what you're saying, I would gague your stress at high right now. Sudden tears over small things are a big sign to me that I'm not doing well. With being sick so much, I think that might be a big trigger right now. Plus finding out about your job. You've got a lot going on that will kick stress into high gear.

Time to take some Lia time and pull back a bit. Drop any unnecessary tasks in the "later" bucket, and just take some time to do things that relax you as much as possible. Maybe put your support people on alert, too, just in case. Once you get that infection removed, you'll feel better, I just know it.

Give your soul some rest time, sis. Everything is going to work out.

Thanks for the check in. Much love

I believe you're right sis random tears are a bad sign... I usually only realize how stressed I am when I have a panic attack, not very helpful So will remember to check tear ducts in future.

I'm trying to take some Lia time, but I'm so easily distracted, support system is a no-go, the moment I reach out is folowed by biting people's heads off because "they" reduce me to tears, so isolation is the name of the game, save for seeing bf for a few hrs on Tuesday... Haven't seen or texted anyone else for quite some time

Idk, need to strategize, it helps to think I'm trying, gaining some direction, but it sucks when it explodes in my face... Classic catch 22.

How can I be so happy and so miserable at once? How can life be so good, yet so crappy all at once?

Ugh... Anyone have a spare Genie lying around? I could use one

No genies here. I would send one your way if I had one, though.

I'm also not good at making a plan for what to do if I start to have difficulty. I'm so used to bottling it all up instead... It sucks.

Recommend you see a plastic surgeon for removal of the wisdom tooth. They can
give you a pill a couple of days before surgery that will numb the pain receptors in the brain, and you won't have any residual swelling after removal or pain, and it heals so
well.

Just a thought.

Hope you feel better; try the "lemon thing" if all else fails, Trippin.

Take good care of yourself.

Awwwww Sis

You have 6,521 things going on at the same time. Of course you are trying to handle all of it all of the time. First off you need to take care of the Physical problems. that could be 50% of the stress issue. The job issue ... You have some time to figure out what you want to do.

When those pesky tears just come flying out of your eyes, just let it happen, It's a release valve.

ADT .. try not to think of it as a waste of time, It was a job when you realllly needed a job, You were concerned you couldnt handle it ( I remember your worries and fears back then) But you handled it ! You did that! So Pat yourself on the back.

Your exhausted on every level... Take time to pamper yourself in any way you can find.

I'm always here for ya

Thanks sis

I'm just thinking back now, to the last couple of months... All those incidents or mini-soded I've been experiencing, some supposedly at random, most supposedly BPD related... What if they're not isolated incidents? What if my wopper is coming? Because I usually have 2 horrid episodes a year, and haven't had one yet
Ugh, not a pretty thought, and will try not to dwell on it, because that never helps any with this bp bs...

Almost at work, wearing all black with a red skull tie... Yes my mood is evident in my clothing, co-workerd better steer clear

So I made it through the work day in relatively 1 piece. Meaning I only cried once... Ugh not a good day for me IMO...

Bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Gold rum next to my bed and a Heavy Metal play list fullblast in my earphones! Should be an interesting evening...

oh btw! Jordan thinks I'm loser. Worst part is she's right... Nearly 30 and fkall direction once again. Can't even blame stupid bp, I just suck at being grown up, no job no future, no prospects... no nothing. She was right, all I do is lie down and smoke cigarettes. Waytago mom!

This would have been much better if I was having Jack n Limes... *sigh. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, I didn't pay for the damn booze, and booze is booze after all, and what I want, and what I have... So pointless complaining then isn't it?

Nobody to talk to, no chat, no rl, that's why I'm just rambling away here ... maybe I should put down my phone, out of sight of mind and all that.

"Hold on for your life, coz only the strong survive"... atleast that's what Myles is singing

I'm sorry you feel like shyt sis.

You're not a loser. Not everyone can be super mom. Not everyone can have the perfect job. It sucks but true. Get through your stress, get healed, and you'll feel better and not need to lay down so much. You'll make it!

Yip. Thats why there's a bottle of rum spending the evening with me... Figured, alcohol amplifies everything tenfold,might as well get drunk enough to let it all hang out now instead f creeping up on me when I least expect it... Not nearly drunk yet, so have a lots of shots to go. Stupid liver of steel.

Hey, is it ok that I'm really apathetic right now? Not since drinking, I mean since before... I just really dont give a shyt. There something sharp under my matress still, and it will help, but I try not to think about it...
Atleast I gave Jordan supper... that has to count even though I've been basically ignoring her since... I did try to reach out irl, backfired as usual. I mean it this time, no more requests fo help or blatant cries for help, sick and fkn tired of the world having selective deafness!

Ok, its clear that this is one of those times when I don't get drunk Drank like half the bottle already, nothing. Just warm inside wreaking of alcohol. Guess screaming along to every emo song I know at the top of my lungs and chain smoking inbetween will have to do... I'm not drinking the whole bottle, gotta draw the line somewhere right

The cycle is making every emotion amplified by a million,

Sing emo songs or Metal or any music that works, chain smoke. It's okay to be mad angry and sad.

You will cycle yourself out of this Sis .. You always do and come out the other side smarter and wiser, You always do

Hey Trippin,
I don't know what time it is there-I always have a hard time with whether to count forward or backward. If it is night here I guess it must be morning there. I hope you made out okay after your night with Capt. Morgan. I know how much Jordan loves you, so she may have been giving you some "tough love".
I hope that things will look up soon. I just got my last wisdom tooth pulled, and it sucked. Btw, I am 51, so obviously I am a big baby when it comes to tooth pain.
Feel better soon!
Many hugs,
Bluemountains

Its 5am and I'm done sleeping. Not unusual because I went to bed at midnight, but was hoping th Captain would help me sleep away my atleast part of my Saturday. No such luck, instead I'm thinking "breakfast"

Thanks ladies