[pink&grey]

Seriously. I just truly realized that I've got issues that most people don't deal with. I have been white knuckling it for a long damn time. Thinking how I felt everyday was my fault, my failure, or due to my circumstances. Getting on a medication that works is showing me an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLD! It's absolutely insane, hopeful, saddening, and exhilarating all at once. I waited years and tried tons of medications - none of them worked. Now I'm here and seeing life as others do. And there is no wonder I wanted to be done with it before. What misery! I'm now realizing what Mentally Ill means. I'm now seeing that I am Mentally Ill. This is such a conflicting realization. On one hand, I have hope for a new life. On the other hand, I'm inherently and deeply flawed & sick! I'm different. I'm "that" person". I'm someone that almost no one could even attempt to understand. This is disturbing.

I'm used to insane - been doing it a long time. But coming to and seeing the insane for what it is is just surreal. Coping. Trying to grasp. But grateful.

Does this make any sense? I may be slightly hypo-M, but in a good way. Usually in the Hypo state I'm an irritable ***** with impulsive crazy ideas. Haha! I can only see this now in light of the medication. Before I really had no idea what was happening. I was in a huge, confusing fog.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so glad that your medicine is working well for you. I'm hoping this is happy not hypo.

Originally Posted by pink&grey

Seriously. I just truly realized that I've got issues that most people don't deal with. I have been white knuckling it for a long damn time. Thinking how I felt everyday was my fault, my failure, or due to my circumstances. Getting on a medication that works is showing me an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLD! It's absolutely insane, hopeful, saddening, and exhilarating all at once. I waited years and tried tons of medications - none of them worked. Now I'm here and seeing life as others do. And there is no wonder I wanted to be done with it before. What misery! I'm now realizing what Mentally Ill means. I'm now seeing that I am Mentally Ill. This is such a conflicting realization. On one hand, I have hope for a new life. On the other hand, I'm inherently and deeply flawed & sick! I'm different. I'm "that" person". I'm someone that almost no one could even attempt to understand. This is disturbing.

I'm used to insane - been doing it a long time. But coming to and seeing the insane for what it is is just surreal. Coping. Trying to grasp. But grateful.

Does this make any sense? I may be slightly hypo-M, but in a good way. Usually in the Hypo state I'm an irritable ***** with impulsive crazy ideas. Haha! I can only see this now in light of the medication. Before I really had no idea what was happening. I was in a huge, confusing fog.

I came to the realization of what you're going through a couple years ago. agaIn still learning to accept it so my advice is just be gentle with yourself.

[crazybeautifullife]

Originally Posted by pink&grey

Seriously. I just truly realized that I've got issues that most people don't deal with. I have been white knuckling it for a long damn time. Thinking how I felt everyday was my fault, my failure, or due to my circumstances. Getting on a medication that works is showing me an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLD! It's absolutely insane, hopeful, saddening, and exhilarating all at once. I waited years and tried tons of medications - none of them worked. Now I'm here and seeing life as others do. And there is no wonder I wanted to be done with it before. What misery! I'm now realizing what Mentally Ill means. I'm now seeing that I am Mentally Ill. This is such a conflicting realization. On one hand, I have hope for a new life. On the other hand, I'm inherently and deeply flawed & sick! I'm different. I'm "that" person". I'm someone that almost no one could even attempt to understand. This is disturbing.

I'm used to insane - been doing it a long time. But coming to and seeing the insane for what it is is just surreal. Coping. Trying to grasp. But grateful.

Does this make any sense? I may be slightly hypo-M, but in a good way. Usually in the Hypo state I'm an irritable ***** with impulsive crazy ideas. Haha! I can only see this now in light of the medication. Before I really had no idea what was happening. I was in a huge, confusing fog.

This made me cry.. I'm so jealous but happy for you.. I hate me.. I want to escape my brain. You have accomplished what I want more than anything. I hope things continue to get better and stay great.

You spoke for me in your post! I'm right there with you! And there IS hope. It's all about this new journey for me... a need and desire to understand, be ME (and I KNOW the REAL me is in here somewhere, cuz ive seen her) without all the "noise" and "chaos". Embrace the knowledge, and awareness of dx, symptoms, triggers, get mad, succeed, fail, win, lose, try again. And with a little (or alot) of help from meds, tx and support from loved ones who care, support and don't judge or give up on us there is no limit to being "normal" (whatever that means to you/me/others) AND mentally ill and I say this WITHOUT Lamictal
I like your spunk even if it is hyo/mania driven.... it is real. Glad you are feeling good. Take care of you.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm so glad that your medicine is working well for you. I'm hoping this is happy not hypo.

I agree w/ MM....it's great ur med is working. But I do wonder if ur hypo or happy.

[LucidLucy]

Originally Posted by pink&grey

Seriously. I just truly realized that I've got issues that most people don't deal with. I have been white knuckling it for a long damn time. Thinking how I felt everyday was my fault, my failure, or due to my circumstances. Getting on a medication that works is showing me an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WORLD! It's absolutely insane, hopeful, saddening, and exhilarating all at once. I waited years and tried tons of medications - none of them worked. Now I'm here and seeing life as others do. And there is no wonder I wanted to be done with it before. What misery! I'm now realizing what Mentally Ill means. I'm now seeing that I am Mentally Ill. This is such a conflicting realization. On one hand, I have hope for a new life. On the other hand, I'm inherently and deeply flawed & sick! I'm different. I'm "that" person". I'm someone that almost no one could even attempt to understand. This is disturbing.

I'm used to insane - been doing it a long time. But coming to and seeing the insane for what it is is just surreal. Coping. Trying to grasp. But grateful.

Does this make any sense? I may be slightly hypo-M, but in a good way. Usually in the Hypo state I'm an irritable ***** with impulsive crazy ideas. Haha! I can only see this now in light of the medication. Before I really had no idea what was happening. I was in a huge, confusing fog.

I can totally relate to this post as well.

As a really young child, from about 11 YO I started to have feelings that I was not like everyone else. I even started imitating other children, walking like them, talking like them, just trying to be “normal”. I figured they were “right” and I needed to imitate in order to achieve that. It was noticeable and the adults in my life asked me what I was doing.

As I got older I told myself that everyone probably felt this way and I should stop dwelling on the feeling or I would be abnormal.

From age 18-50 I accomplished much; getting married, buying homes, cars, working 40-50 hours a week and going to school at night to get better jobs. I'd have big hopes and dreams, plenty of energy and then crash and burn and feel like a failure.
The only thing that I knew for sure was that I tried very hard at everything in life but it was all such a struggle. It was impossible not to notice that other people weren’t struggling as much as I did. I felt like I was the hardest worker in the world but still taking three steps forward and two back.

By the time I was 50 or so I was experiencing classic mania and depression and have been hospitalized twice.

Now having this DX and looking back over the years I am torn over how to feel. There are many days where I am grateful to understand why I struggled so much and I can feel happy about how much I accomplished. I wonder if not being labeled helped me to always push forward with minimal limits.

Other days I wish I had been DXed sooner. Life has been so hard and I had been beating myself up over every perceived failure.

At least now I am gentler with myself. Some days I just give myself a big hug and smile for who I now know I am. I am different and it is mental illness but it’s been a life worth living and I am mostly happy with who I am, just as I am.