My mother just flipped out on me...Advice?

She's always been very manipulative, always and very,very vindictive.

I won't let my kids go to her house because she just isn't mentally stable. Her husband is abusive, she called me one day sounding all messed up saying she was upset with him and had drank a bunch of wine and took a bunch of valium. Then a few days later she posted on Facebook wanting to know what kind of damage a 9MM gun would do if she shot someone in the head with it. I got the cops involved. She told them she was just asking for her safety. SHe later told me she was asking because she was going to kill my brother. WTH?

So anyway, I've been keeping my kids from her. I allow her to come to my house and see them but I won't let them go to her house. I'm scared to. She keeps telling them well you could come over but your mom won't let you. We could do all kinds of fun things if you came over, but your mom won't let you.

So today I sent her a nice text explaining to her that her mind and her relationship with her husband are not in a good spot and because of that my kids are not going over there. I also told her that I am not talking bad about her to my kids or making her out to the bad guy so could she please not make me the bad guy. I told her I was only trying to protect my kids.

Her response was: Your kids love us and have always been safe around me, PROTECTED AND LOVED...HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THAT!!! I am not the one having to see a psychiatrist, YOU ARE!!!!! I CHECKED OUT FINE!!! F u and the horse all of you rode in on!!!! When you grow up and remember all I have sacrificed for you and those kids, let me know!!!!!

She never sacrificed anything for me. She lost custody of my brother and I when I was 4 because of her stupid husband. He was abusive so the judge sided with my real dad. She played mind games with me the whole time I was growing up. She told me all sorts of LIES that she claimed my real dad had said. Once I had my own kids then I starting see that hey, she did X to me, I would never do that to my kids, or she did Y and I would never do that to my kids. I starting seeing that she was just doing whatever it took to get HER way without worrying about how it would effect other people.

Now she just quit responding to me at all which is probably better. She has screwed up my life enough but no one but her and my husband know that I am Bipolar. She is mean and vindictive and she will tell everyone now

I'm just trying to live a normal, sane, calm life and raise my children in a better environment than what I had. Why can she not see that?

(On a side note, I've been on Lamictal almost 3 months now and was diagnosed with Bipolar II. The Lamictal has been a dramatic difference. For the first time in YEARS I feel good again. Really good And then she has to act like this )

You have the right idea, in my view. The children need to be protected from negativity, and that's essentially what your mother is throwing out there. I would try to go on with my life and see that the children have activities on weekends that will give them opportunities to learn new and interesting things: ball games, zoos, swimming, places especially for kids to have fun with parental supervision.

Your mother needs help. She probably is bipolar herself and refuses to admit it in
which case it could get worse. Your own family now should be your priority and
I wouldn't hesitate to see to it that if she tries to interrupt your life again not having had help, you will refuse to permit the children in that house.
And I would keep it that way until she agrees to undergo psychotherapy and sticks
to the schedule for appointments.

Take care of yourself first so that you may care for your children. I hope your mother is able to see her own problems and ask for help.

Rely on your husband's advice if you feel you need support, and you're always welcome here to vent and get additional support.

I think it's imperative that you realize that not only are you protecting yourself and your children, but you are protecting your mother as well. Let me explain...your mother doesn't want her grandchildren remembering her this way (unstable, vindictive, etc.). Just because your mother "checked out fine" doesn't mean a thing. I am proud of you for holding your ground. You are being so strong. I know she's your mother and your children's grandmother and it hurts, and I am so sorry. Right now I am sending you a giant sized full of love mama hug and affirming you and your healthy choices. If you haven't read it, you should check out the book Boundaries (Townsend) and/or Erroneous Zones (Wayne Dyer...I think) and maybe send a copy to your mother. Amazon.com has used copies for cheap (fifty cents to a couple $s even!).

Keep doing the right thing. I wouldn't have much more contact than mailing photos of the kids and sending bday/holiday cards to your mother. Maybe no texting or emailing because it allows her to be reactive and impulsive in her responses. You've got to heal from what you've been through with her before you can move on to be in ANY kind of relationship with her...ask me how I know - Im still working on healing from a traumatic past with my mother so my children can have a relationship with her one day. Keep your children supervised at all times, even on the phone. It is not okay for her to speak against you to them.

Keep posting, we are here for you!!

I echo what the above members have said. You are doing the right thing, and I'm sorry but your Mom is far sicker---and more dangerous---than you ever dreamed of being. She should not be around your kids. She should not be around you, as she threatens your stability by creating unnecessary stress and drama.

Frankly, that Facebook post about the gun and the threat to kill your brother gives you just cause for a restraining order to keep her away from you AND the children. Unstable isn't even the word for it---she is PSYCHOTIC and unmedicated to boot. Go back to the post, copy and save it to your computer, then print out a copy in case you need evidence to present to the judge.

Please do this for your family's safety. We've all read the news stories about people who killed their loved ones in a fit of rage that no one saw coming; this situation has all the signs of a potential tragedy. Be safe, be proactive!

Huh, sounds like we have the same mother. Toxic, crazy - yet she can point the finger and say - no, it's you. I'm going through it too, so haven't sound advice because emotions get so involved. I agree with the advice above. Especially doing what you need to do for your family's safety.

Thanks everyone. You all make very good points. I only told my mother I was bipolar because I noticed a pattern in her that I have seen in myself. I believe she may have it also. I recognize the ups and downs she has.

BipolaRNurse: when all that happened the Sheriff's dept got involved. I already had one if those tragedies in my family a few years ago. You know, the ones that happen to other people and not you. My cousins Ex Husband went crazy and **** my cousin and aunt in the head and then killed himself. Very tragic and traumatic. My aunt was the one that always talked me through these crazy times with my mom and helped reassure me that yes I'm doing the right thing

A few months ago my mom told me she knows why the ex husband did that. She said you get to a point where you just can't take anymore and you SNAP. That is when I decided that she's very dangerous

By the way, I'm still so freaking depressed over this. How do I make sure this does not turn into a long depressive episode? I'm assuming I finally need to break down and find a therapist?? I need someone to vent to and help me deal with all the questions and emotions I have.

You can't be sure this won't become a long depressive episode; no one can guarantee anything like that. But it may not be one if you find a good therapist (and/or pdoc, if you don't have one) ASAP, and of course we here @ PC are always willing to help where we can. Hang in there.......life won't always suck as bad as it does right now.

My daughter just sang a solo in chorus from the musical Wicked. My bright (or dark) idea was to dye roses black, and green (to take the sting out of pure black roses) for mothers day. Plus I thought it would be a neat experiment. The 11yo jumped on the idea. I do love the Wicked colors.

Being wicked didn't work. After two days of soaking (and the roses looked sickly, and not black) I accidentally knocked the jar of black dye all over my kitchen. Supreme mess and a spike in my blood pressure.

I can try to forgive my mom, but passive aggressive vengeance doesn't help soothe the wounds. I can, however, keep a distance and limit my daughters visits.

I hope all goes better with your mom. I totally feel for you. If this behavior of your moms is long standing I do thing a T is a good idea - for both of us.

My best,

Thanks guys. I just saw my pdoc uh 2 weeks ago. I see him again in 3 weeks. He did say if my depression comes back that he can easily raise my Lamictal. I'm assuming though that this is sort of situational and I should give it time before calling him right?

I'm calling this morning to get a therapy appointment. I know it sounds crazy but, I'm also calling the courthouse to see if I can get ahold of the court documents for the child custody case between my parents. My mom has lied to me my whole life and always talked about sacrifices. I want honest answers. If I remember correctly the judge removed my brother and I from her custody because of how abusive her husband was. She continued to stay with him and is still with him today. That is NOT a sacrifice.

You don't sound crazy. More like validation. Then go to therapy & deal with it.

Huh- my mom too. And a perpetual martyr. She did not protect me from my stepfathers abuse, turned a blind eye. They are also still together. I didn't even know he wasn't my real father until early teens. Then they moved 2000 miles away, and I never had a chance to know my real dad. After we moved he died 2 years later.

It won't hurt to call your Pdoc. I'm having serious anger and depression issues - go figure - haha, but going to see my Pdoc today.