[Odee]

Lately I've begun to cease believing that I have bipolar disorder.

The irony is that these thoughts were sparked after my last visit to my psychiatrist, who is utterly convinced I am bipolar and assured me as such. She is an incredible doctor and I have a lot of faith in her knowledge and understanding, and I regret that I will not be seeing her anymore because she switched locations. However, I feel as though her deduction was based on rather flimsy arguments -- how I did not respond to a slew of antidepressants, how sedating meds would not help me sleep, the switch from severe insomnia to day wasting somnolence at other times, my age of onset, and the complicated duo of depression and anxiety. The only strong piece of evidence was the undeniable bipolar qualities in my biological mom. For a time I really was convinced I was bipolar, I attempted to make sense of it, but I wonder now: Did I just morph my perception of myself to fit?

At the last visit, she interpreted me as being dominated by anxiety that I have mistooken as depression. Over the past year or so I have come to learn and understand exactly that. She explained to me that treatment may not have been working for me because we were focusing too much on depression when the anxiety should have been addressed with greater emphasis. (She suggested Lexapro, more like LexaNO. I am not taking that BS again.)

At that point I thought, maybe this is all anxiety and not bipolar (this is NOT what she suggested). Maybe these 'swings' are a result of the effects of anxiety, going through periods of extreme nervousness to consuming fatigue and unhappiness as a burn out from the anxiety.

I hear so many stories about your guys' mania, and none of it, just none of it really applies to me outside of the anxiety.

I know that our brains are wired differently, but I always had the impression that bipolar was more of a natural anomaly than anxiety. Anxiety disorders make sense on the basis that anxiety is an otherwise survival enhancement characteristic that becomes out of control. I believe anxiety can develop in anyone, but bipolar probably only occurs when there is a certain genetic set up for it. This isn't to say that anxiety and depression are less intense or harmful, however. I know that my anxiety is simply too unreal to be part of any normal spectrum.

I am considering that part of this new mentality could be related to the "everything about me is bullcrap" attitude I have been experiencing lately. I feel like saying I have some illness is ********, that I have to take medication for it is ********, that my actions are completely ********, and I have wasted my past two years living ******** I created. What I feel is definitely not a lie -- a feel crushingly depressed and anxious right now, crying -- but why I feel it, how I perceive it, I just feel like just might be a fabrication that is not getting me anywhere.

I just feel like I can't keep feeding myself pills when I have never completely taken advantage of a healthier life style. Then again, I have at times addressed the issue with great diet and exercise and those never worked ... I am considering having a gluten intolerance test and thyroid levels checked perhaps to rule out those options. I don't know if I have something that meds treat. I also think maybe I truly have 'soft' bipolar interacting with the anxiety and that is why the mood stabilizer seemed to have a therapeutic kick at first. Even then, the lamictal almost seems useless to me now.

I just don't know anymore guys!! So confusing. I don't know what to do. I can't wait to see my new psychiatrist and get his thoughts, I will try to explain all of this to him.

Whatever I am troubled by, just Eff it.

[Nessa213]

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise then that you'll have to start seeing a new pdoc?

If anything it would give you another opinion that could either reinforce a bipolar diagnosis or give you a new diagnosis of something else going on. There are SO many things that seem to overlap with bipolar that I don't know if it's all that unusual for all of us to have doubts about it.

Good luck with the new pdoc.

[ultramar]

I agree with Nessa that seeing a new pdoc may give you the opportunity to start from scratch, get a fresh perspective, reevaluate things.

You seem to be questioning the diagnosis partly due to anxiety/depression and frustration, but the important thing is that you get the help you need. If the anxiety needs to be addressed more (and you as well as your pdoc are suggesting this), then maybe finally you will get the help you need. Bipolar disorder is so hard to diagnose... Certainly being very anxious can be very activating, cause insomnia, hyperactivity, distractibility, all kinds of things that can mimic hypomania.

Do you have a therapist -I've forgotten from past posts? If you do, as she/he would probably know you best, what has she/he said as far as your diagnosis? If you're in therapy, has it helped at all with the anxiety?

I'm sorry you're going through all this turmoil.

[So hopeful]

Odee – I’m wondering why you feel so bad thinking you might not have the illness your doctor thought you might have. I’m seriously cynical about doctors of most stripes. Despite the power we allow them, they’re only human. And in my opinion they often have a narrow view. No one knows you better than yourself, even when you might feel like you’re lost and confused. You sound reasonable and thoughtful to me: I’d go with your feelings over your doctor’s here. What you’re going through right now – this doubt about the diagnostic and treatment course you’ve been on, that obviously hasn’t been working for you – might be a good thing, a revelation, a new type of understanding. I’d say embrace it if you can and try exploring new avenues.

Since you feel you’re depressed and anxious (depression can make you anxious and vice versa – I wouldn’t call feeling depressed and also feeling anxious a ‘mood swing’ at all: they coexist in unfortunately wonderful harmony. Maybe your feeling anxious was misread as mania?), would you consider seeing a different kind of therapist to address those issues? One whose first thought isn't medication?

The ‘everything about me is bullcrap’ attitude, the feelings of anger and anxiety about wasted time, the crying, feeling crushed, and the worried search for physiological explanations (gluten, thyroid, diet, exercise) remind me so much of my own depression. And for what it’s worth, I firmly believe my depression to be a spiritual problem, so to speak – a problem of the soul, or psyche. In other words, a psychological problem in the true sense. I don’t believe there is a pill to cure a problem of the psyche, but there are other ways of seeking and finding help that, for you, might finally be really effective.

I told my psychologist on day one I wasn’t interested in medications and he’s never mentioned it again. Together we explore past and present behaviors, events, thoughts and emotions. We throw in dream work, philosophical discussion and tons of reading. I feel like a lifetime of depression and anxiety is finally being turned around with this caring person and this interesting, multivalent approach. Time will tell, I guess - it's definitely a process. But I'm feeling, well...hopeful!

This might not be a popular view (but I’m banking on the notion of a forum as an exchange of divergent ideas). I understand there are medications that are helping people manage their moods and some of the troubling symptoms of various disorders. But I felt utterly convinced that my own troubles would not be well served by medications, and I think I was right. Maybe you can trust your instinct too? I think it would be worth discussing with a professional at any rate.

[~Christina]

Odee

I think it's good to question what you have diagnosed with.

Be kind to yourself through this

I so relate...I'm questioning again too. It's only when I'm doing better that I question, idk but I feel really confused and absolutely HATE having to take meds today.

Sorry not much advice here...but I think I understand.

[manymiles]

Like Nessa said I think it's an opportunity to get another opinion when you see a new doctor.

Also could it be these doubts are somehow related to your not being able to see your doctor anymore and the challenges finding and trusting a new one may bring?

[BlackPup]

I certainly know how you feel I too have doubted that I was BP. Being BP2 and not having the overt manias that others write about also has caused me to doubt my diagnosis too. I wrote a thread about it a few months ago and hamster did the same recently too. Three things have reduced that doubt 1 like you a really trust my pdoc who has no doubt that I'm BP. 2 a friend who knew me before medication confirmed for me that I used to be out of control. And 3, recently I've had a few hypomanic symptoms following the birth of my son.

I think there are a few things that contribute to the doubt that we commonly face: we have selective memories and often forget what things were really like especially during an episode; we don't want it to be true and we don't like taking medications all the time; and there are usually other things that contribute to our illness that are unrelated to the disorder.

I would suggest that you talk with your new pdoc about your symptoms, your history and your past and see what they say. Let them know what medications have worked and what ones have not - to a certain extent this is more important than knowing the exact diagnosis and try therapy to work on the anxiety - if you do have an anxiety disorder not a mood disorder then therapy may be able to resolve it or at least improve it.

Good luck with your journey and I hope it all works out well for you.
Good luck also with your relocation. I moved cities a couple of years ago and the first year in my new city was quite difficult.

[BlueInanna]

I think it's good to reevaluate things. Seems like you've tried so many meds and they just never do the trick. Years of that has to be so frustrating. I remember we talked about therapy - I think you were going to start going. (I apologize if I'm wrong - I'm a little spaced out today.) Therapy is worth a try, and the healthy lifestyle, easier said than done. But they say once you get in the habit of the healthier lifestyle it gets easier.