Finally in the open

For as long as I can remember I have struggled the ups and downs of what I have always considered BPD. But for a lot of reasons I have kept it a secret. I have a wonderful job as a technical Manager and I've been trying to get through gender reassignment as as fare as the professorial are concerned everything is wonderful.when I've hit a high or low I've simply held on for dear life and pushed my way through it.

3 years ago I could not keep it hidden and told everyone I was tired and under a lot of stress at work and I would be OK despite the overdose attempt.

17 years ago when I tried to kill myself I blamed it on a full on break down and moved on.

3 weeks ago I tried to kill myself by taking a lot of pain killers left over from some surgery I had last year. But this time I have opened up and explained that while they only see the times it runs out of control, from way before the first incident 17 years ago it has been a constant battle with depression flicking into massive highs.

I'm in that limbo stage here in the UK when I'm discharged from my the A&E department and my GP makes a referral for the real help that I need mental health team when I'm incompletely on my own.

I've not slept for a week now as I've hit a high and my brain is turning into a mush. The high is a nightmare and I'm fighting the urge to kill myself. I have the mass of energy but i don't experience the bliss and joy stage of mania. I just get frustrated with myself and with those around me and that burns up friends at a massive rate of knots.

It's gotten so bad that when I see my GP tomorrow that I'm going to ask him to admit me into a mental hospital. While I is not what I want, I think it is what I need and if it results in treatment and or medication that helps I don't care what it takes or what I have to go through.

I don't know what the next few days will bring but I do know that it won't be fun.

Sorry for such a rubbish intro, I'v been reading this forum for a while and have a lot of respect for so many of you I tough I wound reach out and share. Maybe I can do a proper into once I get through the next week or so,

Debs

Off to the see my GP now to as to be admitted!

:-(

Debs

Debi,
I'm so sorry your are struggling like this. Be honest with your GP, going inpatient right now is probably the best gift you can give yourself. You will be safe, cared for,maybe medication, Therapy. I have been inpatient 3 times and each time I asked to go , because I knew I needed to be there to stay safe from myself.

Reach out for help, you deserve some peace

Stay safe

Thank you Christina

A warm Debbie
So sorry that you are suffering right now I agree with Christina that inpatient seems the best right now, your safety and quality of life is important. Trying to stay in limbo indefinitly is dangerous, please speak to your gp.

I hope you like it here and hang around

I'm so feeling for u. I've went inpatient a couple times and although it was hard I needed it. I wish u well...u will make it through this u know

You sound very bright and although right now sux it will get better, I promise, at least it did for me.

trippin, i think you mean " a warm welcome?"

sounds a little better lol

welcome debbie, hope you find the support here you need