[winkynjr]

Do you ever just get the feeling like you just not supposed to be happy? Like no one would miss you if you were gone? Like they would be better off because they wouldn't have to deal with you!? I just don't know!! I am once again feeling very down, confused, hopeless, unwanted ( except for by my son, thank God) and probably suicidal!!! It has been a very bad weekend full of family making me angry, sending me hurtful texts, memories, and racing thoughts where i just can't think straight straight because of all the memories and thoughts mixing together!! I have not been wanting to bother no one and have not been wanting to talk to anyone!! Now I am laying here for over an hour trying to sleep and can't : 1 because my mind won't shut up and 2: because I physically hurt too bad!!! I don't know sometimes I just think it would. Be so much easier for myself and everyone involved to take care of the pain ( physical and mental) once and for all!!!! But then who would take care of my son???? HELP!!! I Just needed to get that out maybe!!! Who knows? Well if is now 1:00am and I guess I will once again try this thing they call sleep!

[redbandit]

Originally Posted by winkynjr

Do you ever just get the feeling like you just not supposed to be happy? Like no one would miss you if you were gone? Like they would be better off because they wouldn't have to deal with you!? I just don't know!! I am once again feeling very down, confused, hopeless, unwanted ( except for by my son, thank God) and probably suicidal!!! It has been a very bad weekend full of family making me angry, sending me hurtful texts, memories, and racing thoughts where i just can't think straight straight because of all the memories and thoughts mixing together!! I have not been wanting to bother no one and have not been wanting to talk to anyone!! Now I am laying here for over an hour trying to sleep and can't : 1 because my mind won't shut up and 2: because I physically hurt too bad!!! I don't know sometimes I just think it would. Be so much easier for myself and everyone involved to take care of the pain ( physical and mental) once and for all!!!! But then who would take care of my son???? HELP!!! I Just needed to get that out maybe!!! Who knows? Well if is now 1:00am and I guess I will once again try this thing they call sleep!

I understand how you feel about "not supposed to be happy". I was just crying on the phone to my husband because i'm SOO sick of my mood swings! I think i'm getting better, then WHAM i get super depressed or angry. I am sure many people would miss u if u were gone. I know the feeling, physical and mental pain together is hell. I hope you are able to sleep. Msg me if you need to talk!

[~Christina]

Wink

Here is what I have learned and what I am trying to beat into my own thick skull.. All the thoughts and feelings about how everyone would be better without me around, the self loating , self hate< etc etc .... Well that is all from the illness, The typical person with a mental illness (or whatever you feel comfortable calling it ) are much harder on themselves than anyone else around us would be. I will beat my self up for hours , days even ! over something that doesnt really matter and noone else would give it a second thought.

So Moral of the story , Cut yourself some slack, find ways to self sooth instead of beating yourself up and reach out for help and support where ever you can find it.

Everything changes , maybe not today or tomorrow but the cycles change eventually.

Self care is one of the most important things you can do for you

[wadingthruemotions]

Originally Posted by winkynjr

Do you ever just get the feeling like you just not supposed to be happy? Like no one would miss you if you were gone? Like they would be better off because they wouldn't have to deal with you!? I just don't know!! I am once again feeling very down, confused, hopeless, unwanted ( except for by my son, thank God) and probably suicidal!!! It has been a very bad weekend full of family making me angry, sending me hurtful texts, memories, and racing thoughts where i just can't think straight straight because of all the memories and thoughts mixing together!! I have not been wanting to bother no one and have not been wanting to talk to anyone!! Now I am laying here for over an hour trying to sleep and can't : 1 because my mind won't shut up and 2: because I physically hurt too bad!!! I don't know sometimes I just think it would. Be so much easier for myself and everyone involved to take care of the pain ( physical and mental) once and for all!!!! But then who would take care of my son???? HELP!!! I Just needed to get that out maybe!!! Who knows? Well if is now 1:00am and I guess I will once again try this thing they call sleep!

I have not been suicidal for a while. But I do know the feelings you are having. I had this day yesterday. Today I am not so sure. I almost feel a bit numb to the whole thing right now, like indifferent as to whatever happens kind of thing. Don't feel like putting forth much effort, blah.

My point for that is, this will pass. I know it is rough, OMG I truly know that. I am apparently having a mixed episode at present and have been for couple of months now. This is my first one. I truly feel crazy right now. I know that triggers some people and am sorry that is not my intent. That is just the way I specifically feel as i am trying to let you know I relate to you very much.

if you want to PM me and talk I am all for it. I don't have very many, really if at all, people I can truly talk to that understands this type of just wanting to have it all go away for good no matter what that means.

I hope it starts to pass for you soon. Like I said I am here as much as i can be for you.

[A Red Panda]

*hugs* I definitely understand feeling like all of that. I tend to berate myself for a while and when I realize it, I go "Your brain is being stupid! Stupid brain!" (seriously, I scold my own brain) and then... I do something that I find relaxing, or I'll put forth the effort to see a friend, or who knows... I just remind myself a lot that those thoughts aren't true even if I FEEL like they're true, and tell myself about some of the good things about me, even if I'm not currently feeling like they're true.

[bluewave7]

It truly is the disease that makes our thoughts so black. It's not true reality. It will pass and you will feel better soon. In the meantime try to love yourself because you are worthy of love and happiness. Do one small thing that gives you pleasure...a hot bath, a funny tv show, a small walk, a nap, deep breathing...

I am glad you shared. It always lessens my pain when I share it. Good for you!