[Warrioress]

So, me and my dad were having a nice friendly chat sitting cross legged on my bedroom floor and in the end he goes, "By the way, try to reach a point where you won't need medication anymore, if that is possible."

He didn't mean it in an unpleasant way. He really didn't. But I felt so overwhelmed all of a sudden. I burst into tears the moment he left my room. I was med-free for over a year until a few months ago I had a major breakdown and had to start seeing a pdoc again. I don't like being meantally ill. I don't like taking meds. It was never my choice. It's not about being weak or strong. Or is it? I don't know. I think that's the problem with mental illness. Someone once told me that my illness wasn't such a terrible one after all and she knew people who were literally grappling with cancer. I know cancer is worse but mental illness is tough. Sometimes you have difficulty telling the illness apart from what is actually YOU and that is tough. Having to blame yourself for what isn't your fault at all. Or blaming something on the f***ing monster inside you only to feel guilty all the time and wondering if you're just making excuses for your inadequecy. My parents were really disappointed when I told them I needed to see a psychiatrist and be on medication again. It was like I had let them down. They try not to show it. They keep saying that bipolar is an illness like any other and I should take my medication as long as its necessary and they mean it. But they were really disappointed all the same. And I hate them for it. And I hate myself for doing this to them.

[bipolarOne79]

I can totally relate. My parents think I should just snap out of my depression when I am down. They just don't understand what it's like, what all we go through. They don't believe in meds they think its a mood I can control on my own. We can't do though, it's not that easy. Hope you feel better soon, if you would ever like to chat just pm me.

John

In some ways, we may be alike, Warrioress. There's just too much conscience and guilt
that has been built into us over the years. Therapy is the route to go, in my view.

Please don't blame yourself for an illness that anyone can have. It may have been inherited; it may have occurred because of a serious traumatic incident, or it may
be occurring because of hormone changes. You are smart to know when you need
medications and that you need to talk to a psychiatrist.

After your first visit with the next therapy session, talk to your parents seriously about
their trying to be of help. Let them know that you are on top of the situation and
that, while you would like to think that you may be without medications one day, when
you need them to maintain a chemical balance or to calm the stress you're experiencing,
you would appreciate their not encouraging you to try to sustain your situation without the help you need. It's like pouring salt into a wound to have a parent react as your
father did. No wonder you dislike the behavior.

Really, though, their behavior is well-meant. It's just a lack of knowledge about the
illness and that it can go into remission and then reoccur at some time from triggers:
too much stress, too many "we really mean well, but..." All of those things make it
more difficult to manage without medical help.

I can understand your strong dislike for their conduct. Discuss it with your therapist
and get a professional opinion about how to handle it. In the meantime, listen to your
therapist, not your parents so much, and know that you are building a healthy concept
of yourself as you continue with therapy.

I wish you all the success in the world in overcoming the illness. Sometime, after you
feel better, why not investigate how your diet may be changed to improve your feeling tone? Right now, check out the thread "The Lemon Thing" (on page 1 or page 2 of the Depression Forum) and see if you might be able to try that for relief until you're into the therapist's office.

[EBD8]

I'm 54 and played around with my medications for 20 years. I never told anyone I was bipolar and sure enough after 2 years at the age of 39 I went into every disaster that could happen, at least for me being bipolar 2. Finances,
Gambling, Drugs, Sex addiction and I had a health care degree and thought I could OUTSMART this illness. It showed me. I am where I am today because of bad choices and there is no going back. All of my story here is to tell you to STOP hating yourself, no other reason. I know your situation is much different than mine. This is what I tell myself and it works. On the medication I have so many more filters or layers that help me make good choices instead of acting on impulses. It's truly hard for someone who isn't bipolar to understand. Like taking antibiotics for an infection, you may get over that infection but that doesn't ever mean you won't have to take them again..

[Warrioress]

Thanks, all of you. You have comforted me. It's good to know that I'm not alone and there are others who understand. I'll remember the advice too.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think your dad was just showing his concern as in that he doesn't want you to need medication. On the other hand, it was totally insensitive to say that.

It's like telling someone with diabetes "I hope you get to a point where you don't need insulin any more." Diabetes is a progressive disease. It progresses faster for some and slower for others. But, in the end, the pancreas eventually can't keep up and even type 2 patients need insulin. That doesn't mean they failed or are bad people. It's just part of the illness. People don't understand this and then feel huge guilt over not being good enough to overcome or cure their diabetes. They cling to the false hope that things will reverse, and it's not common for that to happen.

It's just the same thing for us. (I actually believe diabetes and bipolar are extremely similar except for us it's a brain thing instead of a pancreas thing, and no one has figured out our insulin yet....)

Don't hate yourself. You are beautiful and wonderful. If you need meds, then you need meds! Oh well! That doesn't make you a failure or less of you. Instead think: "I will attain wellness," and if that wellness includes meds, that's totally fine. If it doesn't include meds, that's totally fine.

I think, though, maybe have a talk with your dad when both of you are calm and tell him what he said really hurt you. I mean, it sounds like he loves you and cares, so I think he'll listen.

[intergalactictraveler]

I'm similar to EBD8. Started rapid cycling at 39, got stable, meds failed, but for 13 years remained relatively stable, then went bye bye at the end of 2004 and been going downhill since then. Now on government disability(SSDI) and still no med or meds to take.

Your parents do mean well but it sounds like they're still struggling to understand your illness and when you're not feeling good, the last thing you want to do is become their teacher. You'd rather be left alone. Bipolar illness is baffling to those around us and exhausting and frustrating to we who are afflicted. Be gentle with yourself. There's something I read by a Zen philosopher that said, more or less, "Once you learn to accept the fact of suffering, then suffering is no longer a problem." We're all dealing with the same issues, though maybe we're different ages or have different living situations. Each of us has to find a way to come to terms with what we have and how we're going to live our lives once we accept it. You're only responsible for yourself. Don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

[Warrioress]

Hmm, the part about attaining wellness with or without meds really makes sense faerie. Thanks for a really helpful reply. And thank you intergalactictraveler. I can totally relate to what you said. It's obvious that you understand really well.

[tc2012]

I don't have BP but my son does. As soon as he was diagnosed I read everything I could to try and help him. I think that your dad probably just has no idea how this effects your life. I have supported my son when he tried to make it without meds, (which did not work for him) and now I try to help him deal with the drugs he takes now. If you understand this illness, you know you can't shake this off or will yourself to get better. If those drugs help you at all, just keep taking them and your dad will see that you are getting better because of them.

Don't hate yourself. You did not do this.
Good Luck!!