I hate days like this . . .

I don't want to feel unwanted and unloved anymore. I know it is not true, but then I always feel alone. When I'm hurting inside like I am now, I just want to let go . . . to give up. Why must I have this pain? Why must my heart weigh with such heaviness and I not know why? I'm tired of my bipolar making this worse. Turning little things into heart wrenching pain and anguish. All I can do is suffer is silence, cry when no-one is looking. I can't fight this battle anymore. I can't struggle to love unconditionally when I am being pushed away. In my head I know what is right, what should be. I just can make it feel true. I can't keep going on like this. I am ready to shatter . . .

I really don't know what to say except I'm sorry you're hurting like this. I've had my share of those days too. I probably will have them again at some point in the future. But perhaps the best thing about them is that they are not there to last. The only comforting thought is that It will pass. Hang in there

thanks warrioress

btw, I like your signature

Hey vjdragonfly,

I am so sorry your're suffering right now. Like Warrioress said it will pass in time. I don't have any comforting words other than I feel the same way most days. Just existing, in pain, where no one can see.

Just hold on, and keep writing it down. Get it out of you. I do hope you feel better soon

thanks platinumheart

Is there anyone you can talk to? Share the pain with someone who can listen to you. I too have felt this pain, and it eventually passes. But at the time it is heart-wrenching. Keep posting here too

thinking of you and really sorry that you are hurting
You are loved and appreciated here

Remember that our illness lies to us and makes us think that the world is a worse place than is true, it blows things out of proportion and takes the light away but as the above posts have said it will pass and you will see the good again.

Take care

If I was in Florida(which I sometimes am)I'd meet you, hold you tight, and let you cry until you're exhausted. I've been finding myself crying more and more over the past few weeks because, like you, I am so tired of dealing with this illness and giving my love to someone who doesn't understand me and has no desire to understand, as you know. But I go on fighting the good fight, because there's that little flame of hope within me, illuminating the darkness. I just know there's a better life and I'm not going to let anything stop me from finding my share of happiness.
Don't give in to the dark thoughts. Imagine the life you want and find the strength and courage to get it. There is ALWAYS a way. It might not be easy but you're stronger than you know.

For the most part, not really. I'm the glue that holds the family together and no-one really knows how to react when it is me falling apart.

Thanks BlackPup. I know it is just a moment in time, but sometimes it is almost too difficult to pull through.

My family tries there best to be there for me, but none of them really know how. I have experienced with the ppl around me that if they cannot fix me then they are at a loss in what to do. It is easier to sweep under a carpet then to burden those around me. And thank you . . .

That sounds like a lot of pressure is being put on you with your family. And that's never good!

I hate it when people feel like they need to fix me. I don't need fixing - I just need to be accepted, ups downs, weirdness and all! Why is it so hard for people to manage that, when I think it's something that comes naturally?!

It sounds like the pressure from your daughter, to be "fixed", and the "glue" of your family is not leaving you enough energy to do things that allow you to feel loved and appreciated or give others opportunity to show you how much they care. Then to add bipolar and it becomes a disaster especially if you are depressed. Try to take some me time.

At times it is unbearable pressure, there are times that I think it would have done me good to go to the hospital. I just feel like that is not an option for me (unless I totally break). As far as fixing the bi-polar they don't so much. They just don't know how to "comfort" me in time of need and get frustrated they can't make me feel better. Then again at times I almost get infuriated for ppl saying they're sorry. To me it is an empty response.

I do have a lot of me time because I tend to "fold" into my own world when things are not needed from me. I don't go around my family outside of the home much because of this. Yes, being the "glue" of my family is taxing at times. The problem is I married someone that has no clue how to be a care taker (except financially) even though he does love me unconditionally. My daughter has been recently "umbrella d" under mental health issues which is probably bi-polar, but they don't want to diagnose her as so at her age. (Clueless as to why) And well my son has always been attached to me at the hip (probably more my fault then his). I guess knowing that if I don't take care of them and let this just happen I might lose my purpose that keeps me together . . . if that makes any sense.

Ahh. I don't mind hearing "I'm sorry" because I tend to view it as an expression of sympathy even though they don't understand and aren't sure how to comfort me. Although I do wish that people didn't always try to make me feel better - sometimes I can appreciate the effort, but when I express that I'd rather wait it out on my own and then they persist? Then I get annoyed because it doesn't matter what they or I do, sometimes I just have to wait it out!

I don't know why it bothers me so bad. I guess I would rather hear "we can get through this" or even "is there anything I can do to help". Sometimes remind me that I am strong enough to overcome, but most of all I don't want to be pitied. I guess that is what I'm sorry makes me feel, anyone can say it. From an "outsider" yeah, but from family I would like more support.

I'm similar when people wish me Happy Birthday. I hate it, because it feels so fake. If you care about me, let me know on other days. Don't pretend to care because it's the day I was born!

Lol, ain't that the truth .

Thinking of you. I can relate and I know how awful it is. I try to remind myself that the mood will pass on at some point. Take care.

I think seeing a therapist with each individual family member would help you. Maybe they don't know how to communicate in a way that shows you support. Remember relationships are a two way street.

How are you feeling today, vj?

(Sorry to not have seen this earlier -- been quite erratic in visiting and scattered in reading on PC.)

Thanks, I know it is just a point in time.

Not going to happen