[bipolarOne79]

This depression is taking its toll. I can't take much more of it. This pain I just can't take. Saw my tdoc today and that didn't really help, also talked with my pdoc and she upped my dosage on my AP but not my AD.

I'm supposed to call my pdoc back on Monday if I don't feel better but I don't know if I can take 5 more days of this. I a having such strong urges to OD on pills, it seems like the only solution to get away from all this pain. Just fall asleep and never wake up.

Funny thing about this is that I don't see over dosing as suicide I just see it as a solution, I know it sounds weird but right now it makes sense to me.

I don't know what to do, I need help.

John

[Victoria'smom]

Lock your pills up. OD wont help anything. Do you have anyone that can distract you? keep typing okay.

[A Red Panda]

Well... John... first and foremost: NO ODING ON PILLS. (or anything else).

There. Now that I've got that said...

You are having strong urges to swallow all those pills.. and trust me... I get it... and I get it even more as not an actual suicide attempt, but as a desire to end the troubles (in my case, I'd OD to GIVE myself a sore stomach to have a reason to not feel good... utterly backwards isn't it?!) but you ARE stronger than that urge. Maybe you don't believe it, but I fully do.

Is there anyone that you trust or care about that you could go and spend some time with to help the urge go away? I know that this one is a pathetic suggestion on my end... but is there any chance at all that reading a story and immersing yourself TOTALLY into the world could help you? (I find a series to be good for that, because if I finish one super quick like I often do.. can grab another one of characters I'm already attached to).

Sleeping is ok. Sleeping because you OD on pills and not waking up is not ok. Not in any way ok.

I don't know how else to help aside from offering you and ear John... but right now I feel worried for you, and I don't want to see you hurt yourself. *hugs*

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bipolarOne79

I a having such strong urges to OD on pills, it seems like the only solution to get away from all this pain. Just fall asleep and never wake up.

John

John:

1) It seems like a solution because it IS a solution - it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, as they say.

2) When I OD'd, thinking that I would never wake up, I did wake up (was made to wake up) after several days on a medical unit. I woke up unable to lift my left arm even a bit. Turned out, when I OD'd (in my parked car), I leaned on my left arm when asleep, and, in the course of 15 or more hours, some nerves got pinched or something but I

a) lost all function
b) was in pain.

LUCKILY, after several months on Tramadol for pain, I got better.

Eventually I recovered the full function and stopped needing Tramadol. I am now pain-free and just fine, and go to the swimming pool to do breaststroke several times a week - using my arms.

But I lucked out, big time. Many people who OD wake up only to suffer permanent damage to their liver or other organs for the rest of their lives.

In other words, if you think that your situation is bad now, imagine it just as bad mood-wise but with some permanent physical damage: that is what can happen if you OD. It is much better not to OD!

[pink&grey]

I can't really add to what's been said, but know you aren't alone. Big hugs.

[faerie_moon_x]

Please hang on. Call in help if you have it or go to ER if you don't or can't make it.

You are not alone for sure! I've been there! You can get through it!

[middlepath]

Hi John,

I understand what you are saying about it being a solution. It is NOT the best solution. You may not believe this right now, but things will change...they always do...as Faerie said, "please hang on".

I know you may feel alone right now, but you are not really alone. You have us on PC. Is there anybody in real life that can come be with you right now?

Maybe you don't have to wait 5 days to see pdoc if you let them know it is urgent? If not, get yourself to somewhere safe.

hugs to ya John...

Please keep posting. stay connected to talking with people, don't disappear into the inward abyss. Can you focus on something outside of you? Can you go for a swim in cold water...walk on the beach (not sure if you live by one), PAINT! Use your hands to do the painting...do something with a high level of tactile stimulation to keep your mind away from the urges?

[Mr. Radio]

I use to want to live the rest of my life asleep.....zzzz....dead. Then I "came out of the darkness with a bullet in my hand." Now I'm trying to be happy everyday what ever it takes. Fighting that urge makes us stronger people and you have to remember you will make it through.

[bipolarOne79]

Thanks everyone for all your support! I am still here, my wife hid all my pills and I am staying busy with work today so I'm making it at the moment. Never realized how much everyone here cares, makes me feel better, I appreciate all of you!

I will keep trying to make it thru this hard time, and I will keep you all updated. Thanks for everything I don't deserve it.

John

[Victoria'smom]

You deserve every bit of loving and caring possible. Please do keep talking and updating us.

Originally Posted by bipolarOne79

Thanks everyone for all your support! I am still here, my wife hid all my pills and I am staying busy with work today so I'm making it at the moment. Never realized how much everyone here cares, makes me feel better, I appreciate all of you!

I will keep trying to make it thru this hard time, and I will keep you all updated. Thanks for everything I don't deserve it.

John

Hang in there, John. I'm new here but this is a nice, supportive crowd. Keep talking, okay? Remember...it WILL pass. Take it second by second if you need to.

[faerie_moon_x]

Just want to check on you and see if you're feeling better.

[bipolarOne79]

Originally Posted by faerie_moon_x

Just want to check on you and see if you're feeling better.

Hello faerie I feel a little better today, between letting my feelings out in the post and chatting with some people from here I am better today. Thanks for your concern, all of you have been great in offering support.

John

[faerie_moon_x]

That's good. I'm feel off so I didn't see your earlier post. I'm glad you're away from the edge! I've been there so often before, so I know how tough it is to pull back sometimes. I glad you were able.