[lil_better_everyday]

**rant for a bit, the actual question is below**

Holy smokes! Even at my worst I rarely get this anxious and angry.

I avoided relationships for much of my early twenties because due to anxiety and the fact that I was moving around a lot. But a young, fit Marine willing to buy drinks rarely has a tough time finding one night stands.

But here I sit at 30, older, possibly wiser, but I feel lonely. Outside of this (hopefully) passing frustration with a girl, I feel pretty good, but a pretty big part of my self talk last severe depression was "no one wants to be with 30 y/o alcoholic asshole loser that lives with his folks and can barely afford his ciggs.." and so on. I was closer to that closer to going down that one we road none of us can return from than I ever have. I don't ever want to be there again. I know it's likely inevitable, but I want to do I can to never be there again.

We'll, recently, I've been getting myself out there and have been talking to this girl who we hooked up a couple times a couple years ago but never got serious. I wanted to, she didn't. But she was one that got a hold of me this time and has been leading me on that she might like a little more than just sex this go round. Now she's for no apparent reason become distant. Blah, blah, blah, relationship stuff, rabble, rabble. Bottom line it's creating a lot of anxiety I don't really need right now.

My question is, those of you in the dating scene or in a relationship but were dealing with your illness while dating, how the eff do you do it? I can't seem the find the balance between wanting to be with someone and the stress that brings with the stress loneliness brings. Or do you not, have you just decided you'll be single forever?

Thanks for any responses!

Mods- if this should be moved elsewhere apologies, please move it. The relationship sub is just so generic, I want a bipolar persons perspective.

[A Red Panda]

Precariously.

I have major trust issues, and a low physical self-esteeem. And unfortunately my experiences and relationships... have almost always ended due to circumstances in life that the guy couldn't seem to balance with a relationship. So, I've had it reinforced multiple times that I am not worth the effort of pursuing a relationship with, even though it has always been the guy who has initiated the relationship and set the pace.

So... I don't really trust new ones. I'm usually on strike even though I'm lonely. I do not actively look for a relationship. I tend to fall into them.

When I do end up in a relationship, I tell to go the full-discloser route once they've taken the relationship in a direction that isn't super-casual. I don't see a point in lying or withholding serious information about myself if it presents a chance to come up. I open up to my feelings even though I'm terrified of getting hurt - because at least when it's came to a horrible end, well, at least I know that I took the risk and that it wasn't because I was being distant or whatnot. I gave it my all.

I dont' really like thinking or talking about it though. It makes me sad when I think about how I am really not worth it to anyone, because I don't like to think that it's true, but that's what experience shows me.

It's hard to take the risk and expose yourself to the discomfort.

[lil_better_everyday]

It's not true! Without even knowing you I can tell you without a doubt that YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! We all just need to find that person that can handle our particular brand of crazy!

I am a firm believer in correct self talk. If you keep telling yourself you aren't worth it, you don't have a chance to be. You continually tell yourself that, yes, you have faults like every person to ever walk the earth, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! Then at least you have a chance!

I'm with ya on whether or not it the effort is worth it. That's my issue, I'm not sure which stress, the stress of being lonely or the stress of a relationship is worse. But we are both totally dateable, and someone would be so lucky as to date us! (well most of the time haha).

[A Red Panda]

Oh, I do tell myself that, especially when I'm having days where I keep thinking that I'm not - I try to not be a hypocrite and I tell everyone else that I think they're most certainly worth it. It just really really stinks when I keep having it thrown back at me that I'm NOT worth it to others - because I keep working sooo hard to believe it's not true!

But thanks - eventually we'll both end up happier right? I'll hope for you and you can hope for me!

[lil_better_everyday]

Totally! I hope for everyone to be happy, but you just made it to the top of the list! Haha.

[A Red Panda]

haha... and like I said in another thread recently - nice things make me cry. I started bawling.

Here this was a thread to be supporting you and yet you're supporting me. Thank you. Seriously.

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I'm married and from my perspective it's not easy. It's hard to have to let someone else in, especially when they very obviously do not understand or do not want to understand. It's very triggering for me at times. I don't even like talking about it, really. When the other person is being supportive it's better and more comfortable for everyone.

The biggers issue is other people tend to internalize when you say "I'm depressed." They think, "what am I doing wrong." They have no idea that you'd be depressed no matter where you were at that moment, alone or with people, it doesn't matter, it's not about anyone or anything except whatever is malfunctioning in our brains right then....

But, anyway. From your post I'm thinking this may not be you. I'm thinking this is this girl. You didn't say much about her but except previously she only wanted hook-ups, then she comes back, then suddenly distant. That's a red flag for me. There's something up with her and I can't say what, but I would be cautious with a girl like that.

I think we tend to blame ourselves for everything. I think we tend to look more negatively about ourselves most of the time. And, I think because of that, we're more likely to fall into toxic traps before we realize it was toxic or a trap. Just be careful.

[Dylanzmama]

It's all about finding someone whose baggage is compatible with yours!
She's out there-you just have to put up with (sometimes) a lot of disappointment while looking.
Just don't forget that YOU are looking for someone YOU like and want to share yourself with...not just someone that'll "have" you!
Good luck!

[lil_better_everyday]

Thanks for the responses! I think I'm just gonna avoid anything close to serious until I know a little bit more about my illness and am more stayed in my sobriety. But you all gave me stuff to ponder, which is always a good thing! (Okay, most of the time (okay, really, only when I'm in a good mood))

**Side note- It's a little late, but I didn't realize the insensitive nature of my headline. I most certainly did not mean to exclude any LGBT forum members, especially after such an epic victory (in the U.S. at least). Sorry to anyone who might have felt left out! Relationship stuff is relationship stuff regardless of who your attracted to.

lil_better, I have yet to figure it out. If you do, please share.

Faerie, I'm one of those that always seems to fall into that toxic trap you talk about. I have a friend that tells me my picker is broken, and I always respond, how do I fix it. My T and I are actually starting to explore this. So, we'll see what happens.

Take care everyone!

[lil_better_everyday]

Haha Jeffro! In rehab the Dr that ran the place would always say a lot of us have broken pickers.

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, I think a lot of people have broken pickers no matter what if they have a dx or not, and it's all passed down from how we were raised. So, who knows how many generations of broken pickers here we are! I think there's a lot of people who have their issues that are huge and they refuse to deal with them, too. That doesn't make it easier.

I mean, for example, all of us have bipolar and that can be a huge issue to a realitionship, but learning to deal with it and not walk around in denial helps. Not victimizing ourselves helps. No one is perfect and relationships are hard no matter what.