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#1
Jun 29, 2013, 10:40 PM
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Well here I am again seriously contemplating suicide. Last time I figured I would crash my car but this time I have been pouring my pills into my hands and wondering if they would kill me. Thankfully I only have one klonopin because I know those would. And thankfully hubby left his pain pills at work.
I know this is the celexa. This is what happened last time pdoc put me on 20mg. I didn't take my dose tonight. I have an appt on Monday with her. I am terrified that she will hospitalize me again. I can't put hubby through that again. He lost it last time. But these thoughts are the same thoughts that got me there. In a perfect world I would quit my summer job and go to partial hospital but no. Gotta pat the bills somehow. Monday needs to come soon. I can't sleep and I ca t get the thoughts of harm out of my head. I won't act on them. Just wish I could sleep so I could get an escape. At least until morning. Then it will start anew. Help me help me someone I don't want to feel like this tomorrow I need to feel better please never surrender. Please.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
 A Red Panda, Anonymous100103
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#2
Jun 29, 2013, 10:53 PM
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Oh wildflower, I'm so sorry that you're in this emotional state right now
 Is it too much or too little celexa? If you know it's the celexa, make sure you tell your pdoc! Hopefully she'll change it again, because we take meds to help us get better, not to make us worse!! I am glad that you aren't going to act on the thoughts. It's so frustrating when you can't get rid of thoughts you don't want to be having, isn't it? If you can't sleep, got any chores at home you can do? Or sit and read a book and tell yourself that you can't do ANYTHING until it's done? Read the entire book with only bathroom breaks. Get a big glass of water and a snack sat down with you before you start reading. Even if you can't focus on the book, park it and read the whole thing anyway. If you're a quick reader and you finish it before you're feeling better? Then go on to the next one! If nothing else... it'll keep you still and somewhat occupied. *hugs*
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#3
Jun 30, 2013, 02:27 AM
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It's too much celexa. Same thing happened last time I was out on 20 mg. pdoc assured me it wouldn't happen this time because of the increased abilify but guess not!
Thanks for the book idea. I might go rustle through my paper books and see what's not boxed up. I was asleep but of course my drunk brother had to set the fire alarm off making pizza.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
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#4
Jun 30, 2013, 08:05 AM
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*hugs* I'm glad to hear from you and that you have resisted your urges!
And seriously, drunken-pizza-making-brother, you don't cook food in the middle of the night! (I had someone wake me up the other day in the middle of the night by going "hey, I know you've been having problems sleeping.. I can't sleep tonight. Are you awake?"... if I could have slaughtered someone through the phone I would have....) If celexa's working for you alright with 10mg then I'd ask the pdoc to just leave you there where you and the pill are happy! That stinks.
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#5
Jun 30, 2013, 08:23 AM
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How are you doing today? Hope you got some rest. I've had a rough time finding the right meds too. It sucks. I am on seroquel now and it's helping. But I wonder if there's something else that would work better. I'm too afraid to try anything else!
Let us know how you are... |
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#6
Jun 30, 2013, 09:23 AM
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Don't worry if you have to go to the hospital. Your mental health is way more important than any bill. If you have to go, think of it as a refuge, not a bad place. I hope you can continue to distract yourself today.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD |
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#7
Jun 30, 2013, 01:38 PM
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Today is much of the same. I have only one klonopin to hold me over and I already took half. I feel horrible. I almost want to tell my husband he has to take me to the ER right now before I do something totally stupid. But I can't do that. Hospital doesn't matter for bills just for him having a nervous breakdown. But if I show up to the pdoc tomorrow like this she will surely "recommend" (ie force) it. But I don't even care somehow I have to get through work without anyone noticing and somehow I have to make it through the day without hurting myself. I was hoping to take a nap while my son was sleeping but that's not happening. I woke up at seven and weeded the garden and too my son to the store and park just to get out. Now I am trapped. I know the feelings can't hurt me but the thoughts can. I don't even know what's going on in my head. Images of zombies rushing to kill me when I close my eyes. Thought a car was following us home. Noises of babies crying and horns playing in my head. Enough to make me open my eyes and wonder if I heard it out loud but I didn't.
I need help. I just need to get to the pdoc. Maybe she can give me some more klonopin to zonk me till the celexa is Gone and out of my system. I don't think I am staying out of the hospital for this biut I am gonna try.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| A Red Panda, ~Christina
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#8
Jun 30, 2013, 01:57 PM
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Wild
 I was really hoping to read you felt a bit better today I'm sorry. I hope your Pdoc can come up with a plan that keeps you safe but may keep you out of the hospital. Maybe a very sedating AP until things even out for you . Stay safe... I know you are trying really hard to stay outta the hospital but... Your husband would deal with you needing another inpatient stay alot better than dealing with losing you. Keep posting !
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#9
Jun 30, 2013, 02:32 PM
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Wildflower - I second everything that Christina said. Explain to your pdoc when you see them tomorrow about how you feel about your husband - also maybe explain to your husband what's going on with the celexa? You could try talking to him about how you know the meds aren't working and that they're certainly affecting your thoughts... and see what HE might like you to do? Then it will be like the two of you go the pdoc with a plan that you're hoping will work - maybe it will involve daily check-ins with your pdoc until the celexa is back out of your system?
Either way... the most important thing is to get you through this safely.
__________________
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#10
Jun 30, 2013, 02:45 PM
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Thanks for your post. It is very brave of you to post how you're feeling. I thank you for that because I've often felt like I was the only one who had these thoughts. I do think this way sometimes but of course I would never, ever act on it because I've got 3 kids who would be crushed and heart broken if I were stupid enough to take my own life. I've already put them through enough so I have got to keep hanging on no matter what. I think you should keep hanging on and if that medicine is making you have these thoughts then refuse to take it. Tell that doctor that it is only making things worse for you. I know how you feel when you say you can't quit your summer job to deal with yourself because you've got to pay the bills. I feel the same exact way. Many times I wish I could have the time off to go figure out what all is wrong with me and get myself better but I can't. No health insurance for one thing and I am a single mother of 3 and have to work as much as possible to keep this ball rolling over here. I'll just have to keep on hanging on. I'm so thankful that I've found this site and that people like you are so willing to share their stories. This is a tremendous help. Hang in there. I send many prayers your way!
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#11
Jun 30, 2013, 06:39 PM
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Thanks everyone. I talked to my hubby and mom and they are both aware of what is happening and both support hospitalization if necessary. So we will see what happens. I had hubby hide all the pills so I couldn't do anything horrible. I hope it will work out for mr tomorrow.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| A Red Panda, Anonymous333334
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#12
Jun 30, 2013, 08:54 PM
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I'm really proud of you wildflower! That's great news that you opened up to them, and that your husband hasn't paniced! I know that you've been worried about his reaction, so I am really glad that he's onboard if you and/or you pdoc decide that hospitalization is the right path to take! That must be a great stress-relief for you! (At least, I hope it is!)
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#13
Jun 30, 2013, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Way to go, Wildflowerchild. Its so brave to make that request. I really hope you're feeling better soon...sending healing, quiet thoughts your way. |
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#14
Jul 01, 2013, 05:07 AM
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I really hope things go well and pdoc can help you stabilize fast.
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Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
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