[exhausted68]

I just found out my girlfriend of many years has been having an affair for 4 months with someone she met at a bar. She has unregulated, poorly and inconsistently medicated BP which she still struggles to accept and undermines/self-medicates with alcohol. She is getting worse not better as she gets older. Her job was in jeaopardy during these past for months, as she has chosen partying and cheating, apparently, over her career. I am devastated by the realities I am facing currently re: her recent behavior, specifically due to the fact that it's not a random one night stand, but a 4 month affair. She denies it but I have enough evidence to know she has been lying to me for months. I understand BP may have made her go to bars/cross lines with impusivity, etc. - but I don't understand what BP has to do with lying to someone she says she loves more than anything (me). She has not seemed manic x the past 4 months, so how can this betrayal be legitimately attributed to BP? When I look back at texts, etc. I can see the premeditated nature of this, the planning literally that has gone into avoiding me and creating space for her to get her drink and God only knows what else on...Please advise...I appreciate all perspectives and am grateful for any insights offered.

I forgot to mention that she has experienced severe episodes of depression during these four months as well...she is totally out of control at this point as far as I can tell, no shows for counseling appts, has given up on meds/med combinations, stating they don't work etc...alcohol has been an issue. She told me when I found about this person she has gone to bars alone because she just "gets this strong desire to go out and have an exciting/amazing time" etc.."...but she has not taken me with her, of course. This is relatively new...or at least the betrayal/affair part. I'm just struggling to determine how much of this madness I can attribute to her unregulated BP, and how much is just betrayal/lying. We are currently broken up and not speaking despite her daily texts to tell me she misses me. All of it breaks my heart, but after years of being supportive, I've hit a wall with this one.

[comicgeek007]

Originally Posted by exhausted68

I just found out my girlfriend of many years has been having an affair for 4 months with someone she met at a bar. She has unregulated, poorly and inconsistently medicated BP which she still struggles to accept and undermines/self-medicates with alcohol. She is getting worse not better as she gets older. Her job was in jeaopardy during these past for months, as she has chosen partying and cheating, apparently, over her career. I am devastated by the realities I am facing currently re: her recent behavior, specifically due to the fact that it's not a random one night stand, but a 4 month affair. She denies it but I have enough evidence to know she has been lying to me for months. I understand BP may have made her go to bars/cross lines with impusivity, etc. - but I don't understand what BP has to do with lying to someone she says she loves more than anything (me). She has not seemed manic x the past 4 months, so how can this betrayal be legitimately attributed to BP? When I look back at texts, etc. I can see the premeditated nature of this, the planning literally that has gone into avoiding me and creating space for her to get her drink and God only knows what else on...Please advise...I appreciate all perspectives and am grateful for any insights offered.

I forgot to mention that she has experienced severe episodes of depression during these four months as well...she is totally out of control at this point as far as I can tell, no shows for counseling appts, has given up on meds/med combinations, stating they don't work etc...alcohol has been an issue...but not going to bars without me as far as I know. She has told me she just "gets this strong desire to go out and have an exciting time" etc...this is relatively new...or at least the betrayal/affair part. I'm just really struggling to determine how much of this madness I can attribute to her unregulated BP, and how much is just betrayal/lying. We are currently broken up and not speaking which breaks my heart but after years of being supportive, I've hit my wall with this one.

I personally think most, if not all the affair stuff, is betrayal and lying. Being unstable doesn't seem to me like the cause, but it can't be helping.

[A Red Panda]

Lying and cheating are lying and cheating. Being unstable isn't really an excuse for it - unless she's undergoing some severe psychosis, in which case she needs to go inpatient.

[lil_better_everyday]

I second and third the above two statements. I am a recovering alcoholic bipolar and have never nor would ever cheat when I was in a committed relationship.

I think your responders are right. Lying and cheating are character traits, not symptomatic of bipolar illness.

Your friend needs to be treated for her illness. She is in denial and her rebounds from
depression are a form of mania that is working on her now. She, in my view, needs
to be hospitalized so that she can be brought back to a stable condition. It will only
get worse as she continues to drink and remains unmedicated.

Hopefully, your not speaking with her will force her into rehabilitation. She is going
to lose her job if she insists on this kind of behavior. You're intelligent and being
smart about how to keep yourself away from this terrible behavior.

I agree with all of the above completely. Being Bipolar and working in the field as well, I often see people try to blame their bad behavior or character defects on their mental illness. While it may or may not be a contributing factor, I can't justify in my mind that it's the entire problem. There's a lot going on there.

The truth is, it doesn't really matter if its part of the illness or not. What matters at this point is what you are willing to do about it. You can't unlearn what you've already learned. If you feel as though your feelings are strong enough that they can survive this, then forgiveness is in order. If you don't feel that they are, forgiveness is still in order, for your own good, but getting back with her may not be in order. I've been in the same position and chose to forgive, but later had to move on. Its an aweful place to be in and you have my empathy.

I hope things work out for you.

[Victoria'smom]

If she has been depressed then yes she may look outside the relationship. This is a sign to me that ANY bad time in the relationship she will look outside the relationship. It is completely not taking responsibility when saying "oh, it's my bipolar" because even if bipolar was the catalyst it still holds true that other things were/are going on. I would honestly get therapy for yourself to see if you can move past this. If she wants to work on the relationship I suggest Intensive Out patient treatment before stepping down to Out regular patient. Find out why she continuously comes off her medication. Medication isn't for everyone or there maybe side effects are to intolerable and she needs a psychiatrist that listens.

[roads]

Originally Posted by exhausted68

I just found out my girlfriend of many years has been having an affair for 4 months with someone she met at a bar. She has unregulated, poorly and inconsistently medicated BP which she still struggles to accept and undermines/self-medicates with alcohol. She is getting worse not better as she gets older. Her job was in jeaopardy during these past for months, as she has chosen partying and cheating, apparently, over her career. I am devastated by the realities I am facing currently re: her recent behavior, specifically due to the fact that it's not a random one night stand, but a 4 month affair. She denies it but I have enough evidence to know she has been lying to me for months. I understand BP may have made her go to bars/cross lines with impusivity, etc. - but I don't understand what BP has to do with lying to someone she says she loves more than anything (me). She has not seemed manic x the past 4 months, so how can this betrayal be legitimately attributed to BP? When I look back at texts, etc. I can see the premeditated nature of this, the planning literally that has gone into avoiding me and creating space for her to get her drink and God only knows what else on...Please advise...I appreciate all perspectives and am grateful for any insights offered.

I forgot to mention that she has experienced severe episodes of depression during these four months as well...she is totally out of control at this point as far as I can tell, no shows for counseling appts, has given up on meds/med combinations, stating they don't work etc...alcohol has been an issue. She told me when I found about this person she has gone to bars alone because she just "gets this strong desire to go out and have an exciting/amazing time" etc.."...but she has not taken me with her, of course. This is relatively new...or at least the betrayal/affair part. I'm just struggling to determine how much of this madness I can attribute to her unregulated BP, and how much is just betrayal/lying. We are currently broken up and not speaking despite her daily texts to tell me she misses me. All of it breaks my heart, but after years of being supportive, I've hit a wall with this one.

Nothing you're describing suggests she's strongly manic, so I don't think she's highly sexed right now. I tend to agree with the other posters ... she's unfaithful, in denial, doesn't care as much as you do.
I'm a bipolar alcoholic. If she doesn't accept her diagnosis, then she's not in contact with reality in general. If she's an alcoholic, she's messing up her body chemistry as much as the bipolar is. If she's not on her meds, she's not got a chance to find chemical brain balance.
She's very likely going to need to be hospitalized to get sober safely, then to treat her mental illness.
You can't do this for her--no one can. who is the person she's with? He's supporting this lifestyle?
Roadie

[exhausted68]

Thanks to all of you so much. I agree generally as well with your consensus. However the contrast between her couch potato out by 8 when on Abilify behavior and this is stark enough for me to know there is an at least hypomanic element contributing to her getting off the couch and actually leaving the house, in search of "fun". She's always been a rapid cycler from what I've noted through the years....I honestly do think the "urge" to go to bars etc is related to BP. However, all that has followed is not, I agree. Now...what to do...because no, I can't and won't live like this, and yes I know it could happen again given her conditions and habits...not sure how to get someone I'm not really speaking to and am none too happy with who is in denial to a certain extent into the hospital setting I agree she needs....her shrinks thus far have sucked, in my opinion...she BSs them though to be fair, so who knows how much real and useful info they get upon which to base their dxs and write their rxs. Ugh. Yes, I'm exhausted. It's kind of not my problem anymore....though I guess the other person is gone now...all of it denied despite real evidence...don't know. Family members in denial too...I find it hard to believe that it will fall to me to get her in the hospital for a prober eval and detox? Ugh!!! After the past four months I'm not terribly excited by the prospect.... I want her to be better of course but don't see how I should be the one to try to make it happen anymore...since I am, as ever, Exhausted!!!!!

[Victoria'smom]

Retreat and recover, your no help when your exhausted. Then after you recover decide whether you want this relationship to continue. If you do, you need to get her to a pdoc and convince her to let you go in to intake so you can gently call the BS (she says no you can "say" but what about when xyz happened?, does this count?,) My pdoc told me a very important thing anyone can give pdoc's information about a client but the pdoc can't even say if the client is his patent. I use this info., and my friend's / family use this info when concerned.

[Resident Bipolar]

I don't totally agree with the consensus of this cheating not being at all attributed to the Bipolar Disorder. It is commonly known among doctors/psychiatrists/scientists that a symptom of mania is indeed impulsivity and this can include sexual recklessness.

I speak from personal experience when I say that mania can make people do things that they regret at a later point in their life. When I was given a job at the end of March this year, it triggered a manic episode. I felt on top of the world, made grandiose plans and felt completely unattached from my emotions - incapable of feeling any negative emotion at all; only happiness and a feeling of self-worth. The following month, during the worst of this episode, I cheated on my boyfriend of one year. It was partly inspired by severe paranoia, and I later thought I was in love with this boy I cheated with.

After a couple of weeks, I crashed. I had cycled into a mixed episode. I got into an argument with my boyfriend and I blurted it out that I had cheated. I was full of anger and paranoid delusions. I told him he can't talk because he himself was cheating (this turned out to be an incorrect assumption caused by paranoia). When I told him about it and for a few days after, I couldn't convey guilt. I felt horrible, but I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel sad, nor happy. I just felt very angry.

Then came the depression. I felt so horrible for what I did. I cried all day, every day, for weeks. I showered my boyfriend with gifts and apologies; wrote him poems and it was a tough month. Very tough.

Now, though, we are stronger than ever. I love him more than anything in this world, though I always have. Now I just know I can never do what I did again. The guilt still sometimes consumes me.

I've used my own experience as an example, as when I was manic I was so impulsive in my actions and just didn't think about the consequences or the feelings of others. I just didn't think ANYTHING through and I spent £3000+ in less than 3 weeks on complete rubbish. The reality of what I did only hit me after the manic episode had passed.

However, as your girlfriend has been cheating for four months and from what else you have said, I'm not totally convinced it's due to a manic episode (or even a hypomanic episode). It seems to me as though its a personality thing and I really think, if you're both dedicated to the relationship, some form of couple counselling should be considered - along with the appropriate help for your girlfriend's Bipolar. Like I said, I'm not totally convinced this isn't just her personality causing issues.

You need to give yourself a little care and respite to think things through. I feel for you and I think you have the strength to overcome this.

Good Luck
RB.