Bipolar letters

Dear bipolar;

F U C K you. You gave me a break for possibly a week. One gawddamn week. That's it?! That's all I can have?! One week of being normal?

So screw you bipolar.

Dear Success Triggered Hypomania:

I am Revu2's new standard living system, Mobius Mode. He recruited me because you made his life a mess. Your inattention to logical details have set him back again and again. Your ramped up excitement has led to missed job opportunities, muffed romantic connections, and nearly cost him work he did have on several occasions.

I, on the other hand, never let him lose the thread of connection to what's really needed in the moment, whether he's feeling happier, normal, or a bit down or sad. Whether he's rested of fatigued. Alone on in company.

It's been about a month since I've begun work, and it's been quite successful so far. There were a few days when he was on the highest cusp of excited nervous energy. I coached him to just witness the state, not to add any comments, play soothing, sleepytime music (even at 10 in the morning) and to limit outreach to only 2 friends.

It worked! We just finished a long anticipated conference of personal interest, and a long day of travel for work, and there are no rushes of feelings of success that will build and string out into infinity. It was just a few bloody days of life! That's good.

Finally, as a symbol of all this, we had a ritual to bury Icarus, his symbol of hypomania. Icarus, may he rest in peace, is dead and buried.

Hypomania, he'll always have those great memories of those highs (yey!) along with the carnage of the follow-on crashes (ugg). Seemed he could never manage only the high and avoid the crash. Now, with Icarus's death, both are buried.

He will always have memories of you, but you will not be missed because he can learn to rely more and more on me now. It's a fresh start at life.

Don't bother to write back, MM

Revu2

BP,
I hate that you make me hyper-vigilant but thanks for letting me down nicely.

MM

Dear Bipolar;

EVERY time I think you've stabilized, nope!

Dear Bipolar,

Thanks for making me take medication to control you and when I miss one dose everything goes haywire.

Still hate you,

Moreta

Dear bipolar;

I don't know what's you and what's me. Which thoughts are from you, and which are my own genuinely messed up ones??

Can you go away so I can sort that out? I don't even know what I think right now. Is it really what I think or just being emotional? What do I even actually feel????

Dear Bipolar,

I'm tired of this. Please stabilize and STAY stable. That's all I want right now. I don't want to feel like life isn't worth living like I feel right now, on the flip-side I don't want to become manic again either. Find a good balance and keep it that way.

Excel to Tell

Thanks Success Triggered Mania (STG) for ramping me up when just past success.

I'm excelling to tell.

But whom, and why?

"They muck you up your mum and dad."

A bit of both, most surely dad.

And then what? I'd get the approval ratings I rarely felt when successful on what I wanted to do?

Didn't happen, never now, cuz he's dead in body.

Turning now, I let my father hold to what he never felt, approval from his own dad. YeeGads, how far back does this wander?

"They muck you up your mum and dad."

To make a secret and mysterious (to my parents) success of a thing is to live a spy's life in my own family. With nothing to show for my efforts, nothing for them to hang their pride on, nothing, that is, I need their smiling approval for.

I get to the finish to see what's it like. The journey is most meaningful when the finish is also reached.

I am Revu2, and I approve of this letter.

Dear bipolar,

You are my best friend. We are one.

The separation between us is none.

You give me messages through the sun.

You come and go,

But are never done.

Dear bipolar,

You are confusing me. Seriously. Get a grip and go one way or the other. This weird sorta numb limbo thing we're in right now? I don't get it and I don't like it and I don't have a clue what is even going on in my brain. So just make up your mind ok?

And Lamictal - if this is you, then you are ANNOYING. Just sayin'.

Bipolar:

You suck. I don't understand you and I hate what you do to me. I can't be sad like this anymore but these new stupid meds make mind race and I can't sleep. I have to force myself to go to work and pretend that everything is ok while you make me laugh and cry historically all in one day. I'm a hot mess and I am afraid to talk about it because I don't want to scare anyone away. Leave. Please. Please.

Tree

The ebbs and flows. I am beginning to accept and move with you bipolar, lets move together?

Dear bi-polar. I am finally seeing the light at the end of this depression. Please don't screw it up for me.

Dear Bipolar;

You have plunged my life into darkness and given me flashes of extreme joy that turned out to be lies. Because of you I no longer trust myself. I'm never sure if joy is joy or something to fear because it will soon morph into an uglier sibling. I fight my emotions daily balancing constantly instead of just being. It is the only way to survive you. You are a menacing bully of mind and body. I am too tired to play anymore. Leave me alone.

I blunt you with medications that steal my own memory and my body and my motivation. I fight you with supplements that steal my money. I fight you with professionals who have since become my only friends. You drove the others away. This is the cruelest trick of all. For these people are friendly, but can never be my real friends.

I tried quitting you. I tried pretending you don't exist. I tried ignoring you. I even tried befriending you. You are not easy to be friends with, but I guess we're stuck with each other.

Me

Dear Bipolar,

If you're clearly not shy to reveal yourself so completely to me, why not allow me to explain it to my family? Why be so sneaky in your ways? Why reveal to them your trades but not your true identity? You force me into a horrible, terrible, degrading silence to deal with you alone! I hate your power to capture me in your bubble just out of reach of reality and sanity.

My last letter I somehow got the Mania in Success-Triggered Mania scrambled with a G, I ask you STM how that happened.

A casual thought today, I don't ever have to add any juice to my emotions on the upside. No exciting music to only fuel my manic actions. Not even the gentlest positive encouragement or anything.

I'm not going all negative on myself, understand, but I know I have to keep in the neutral neural zone, the Mobius Mode. I've revved myself past my optimal performance state of mind and body. No mas.

I'm turning into such a different person internally and externally that you soon wont be able to fine me.

And that's a good thing.
Revu2

Bipolar,

You leave me boggled. I fought off the hypo and then the depression. Then the hypo again. I was able to keep that part of you in check during this last go round. Why can't I control you more often? I'd love to stop popping all these pills and work on controlling you in other ways. Up for the challenge?

Love but not really,

Tree

Dr. Bp,

So, thanks for hiding my depression under intense anxiety. I would like to leave my room and feel like I can breathe. Since I love outside can you make it so I don't feel like I'm going to pass out.

dear bipolar,

I don't know anything or anyway without you. I love and hate you. this is the worst relationship I've been in.

I believe this is my soul's choice for this life, so I keep playing your silly game. but I wish I knew what it was like to have problems that weren't in my problem-solver

Hi Success Triggered Mania - found another of your traps this morning. I writing to say move over to it.

The trap is: anticipatory excitement where I have to take action! WTF?

Somehow, I've gotten it in my brain that planning etc are fairly normal emotions. Then I spot an opportunity, and that leads to a bump of excitement. Then I play it out a little mentally, it gets even more exciting.

Taking this excitement into the outer world arena—oh, not so good.

I'm not sure what adjustments will happen now that I'm onto you, but this won't happen ever again if I have any say in it.

You can: feel great excitement when I'm completely passive, say, watching a performance or stumbling on a Flash Mob.

You can: have one pure moment of excitement post success, as long as its to sense the feeling. Maybe looking back. Or maybe planning a break or where to go to get calm again.

When I believe I have my chance, please stand aside. I'll need discipline, Worst Case scenario, focus, and peripheral sensing. I'll need intuition and thinking, emotions and logic. That's plenty, you, EXCITEMENT, merely muck up the works.

Literally, I'll see you LATER, but no longer in the WARM-UP or the START.

Revu2