had a breakdown yesterday

And one of those bad ones where you end up crying just about all day... at work... progressing to an outright uncontrollable sob after work in the parking lot as you start talking to one of your friends. That's not to say I was miserable all day. I wasn't. Most people at work probably didn't even know anything was going on. I think anyway. Who knows.

Last night, after probably a good month of not hearing any voices, they came back in full force at 4am. I hate to sound dramatic but I think I literally wanted to die. I haven't slept right in about a week. I tried Trazodone, Tylonol PM... last night I gave up and tried Melitonin. Didn't work. Now that I think on it I did have one night of a straight 6 hours when I took trazodone.. but it hasn't worked since.

After work yesterday, when I had the full out uncontrollable shaking + sobbing for an hour, I told her how more than anything I just wanted everything to end. And the only reason I didn't was because I know how much of a pain in the *** that would make for everyone else to clean up. And I'm far too co-dependant of a person to do that. It's just so conflicting.

I'm just tired. Of all of it. It's always there or it always comes back. I'm miserable and I make everyone around me miserable. So really... what IS the point.

It was good to talk to my friend but it always ends up making me feel worse when I do that. Being like... the way I am... I DO keep everything inside, and I know it's bad, but I do know also that I goes away... eventually. I don't like to bother or confuse people. I don't like people to worry about me. I don't want people to think I'm weak... or sick.

I can hide things pretty well most of the time. It's like the fake switch and it's easy enough for me to turn on and off. My friend said it was because I was a Pisces... that made me laugh.

Nessa...

I'm sorry to hear that you got overwhelmed yesterday.. and that the voices are back. I've never heard voices... but I do have a nasty little inner critic kicking around. Sing songs at the voices and see if you annoy the crap out of them

You sure aren't weak. I get not wanting people to know that things are going wrong though, I do the same thing as you. I keep things inside too, and don't like to bug anyone or confuse them. Basically that stuff could have been me writing it down. I'm a GREAT pretender. It's really hard to flick that switch to "off".. and even worse when it shorts out like it seems to have done for you yesterday! Personally I panic when it shorts out and I'm like "EVERYONE IS GOING TO KNOW I'M GONNA RUIN ALL THEIR DAYS OH GAWD"... except well, keep the caps lock going and make that about a million times longer.

It's ok when it shorts out. It's ok when you flick it off. It's ok to be tired of it all - and you're doing the right thing by talking about it, and by dragging yourself through it. A lot of the time I don't get the point or understand WHY I'm dragging myself through hell... but then I reason with myself and point out it's because I want to know what's on the other side. Maybe eventually I'll find the point. There's got to be one somewhere.

Hi Nessa. It is hard to go through times like you are experiencing. The sleep thing is such a pain and totally makes things worse. I hate it when that happens. I also can tell you that I don't ask for help either, and I don't want to be viewed as broken or weak by others. To tell you the total truth...the first time i have EVER expressed a need for help has been on this forum and so much of that is that I don't have to face people like I would at work or in my home life. So I know what it feels like to not want to ask for help and to just fake it. It makes things so hard.

I also know what it feels like when life just doesn't make sense and you just hang around because you don't want to make a mess for others. But, to paraphrase CheshireCatGrin because she said it so well...just drag yourself through to the other side and maybe we will find the point.

Hugs to ya.