[Nessa213]

I don't like the word "episode", but yesterday I guess I had an episode. It was just one of those rage-tastic types of days.

I kind of flipped out on my two year old and felt like literally the worst person in the world. All I kept thinking was that THIS is going to be her first memory of her life and when she grows up and people go around saying "hey what's the earliest thing you can remember?" She's going to say "Oh yeah, I remember my mom spazzing out on me and (doing something that I'm even too ashamed to say)".



Part of me wanted to call my sister in law to pick her up... like immediately. And literally go to the hospital. I don't think I've ever been closer to legit WANTING to go. But then if I called her I would have had to tell her what I did. And then I was afraid she'd try to take her away permanently. So it's one of those things. I can't even tell you how conflicting it was. Still is, really, if we're being honest.

I'll say that I did end up taking her to my parents house (although it was pre-planned really) and then I drove around for a few hours.

I'm trying SO hard to hold it all together and not let especially my daughter see me like that.

Ugh... I need to go back to sleep. I give up.

[Skittles56]

At least you recognized that you were out of control. You also realized that you didn't want to do something serious. As my psychiatrist is fond of saying, your meds won't completely eradicate your symptoms. They just equip you to deal with them better. It sounds like they are working.

I don't like the word, "episode" either. It's not very specific.

[Nessa213]

So I did start a video blog. (I think I mentioned it the other day when I was feeling particularly ragey-weird.)

I posted this yesterday... before the... uh... incident.

(And I will most likely take this down... as long as I can remember before the time to edit runs out.)

[A Red Panda]

*Hugs* I'm really proud of you for being able to post up some of your videos Nessa. I'm currently giving them a watch.

When you said this "No one would care.. and no one would know why. And that's kinda sad." I thought you were spot on. It really is kinda sad.

[wildflowerchild25]

I've treated my two year old unfairly as well ( to put it lightly) and I understand the awful guilt that comes with it. I only didn't hurt myself because that would make me feel better and I didn't deserve to feel better. I didn't know how to punish myself and my anger was a driving force to getting help. So don't spend too much time obsessing on what happened. You cannot change the past. I understand how horrible you probably feel. It took me days to even look in the mirror and not hate myself.

[Nessa213]

Hm, I came back to edit that youtube link out and the edit post link was already gone. Damn.

Today I took the day off of work. Call it a mental health day, I guess. Better now though, I suppose.

My husband and I kind of hung out all day today too... which was nice.

There's a lot of things I'm not proud of that has happened over the course of the weekend and I TYPICALLY don't believe in regret. I really don't. I mean, I can't. I know full well it's not fair to myself. There's just something shattering about feeling like THAT much of a failure that I couldn't control myself in front of a two year old. Let alone my OWN two year old.

And my one friend, who granted was only trying to make me feel better, kept saying "this like this happen all the time. all parents lose their temper sometimes" And I don't know why but that almost made it worse. Because then THAT makes it seem like... I don't know... like I just didn't try hard enough to control myself. Like I'm really NOT bipolar at all... I know full well that's not what she meant, but that's what I heard.

[Kev's BG]

Parenting is difficult. Parenting during a personal crises is overwhelming at best, and sometimes, impossible. You did the right thing in taking your daughter to your parents home.

In the city where I live, there's a 24/7 crisis daycare. Parents can utilize the center, on a drop in basis, up to 72 hours. Perhaps there's one in your city too.

If you haven't (and you may have already) communicated to your support system (sounds like you have your parents at least) your need for additional help, there's no time like the present. You needn't go into great detail, just let them know that for now, additional help with short notice daycare is one of the ways they can really help you out. It'll be good for your little miss, and good for you too.

We all need to have a crisis plan that takes care of the ones we love most, and allows us to have space and time, when the many burdens of being bipolar, overwhelm us.

You are a good parent. That's obvious because you feel so badly about "flipping out" in front of your daughter. This is a dark time for you, we all have them, and can relate to the pain you're going through. As a wise man once said "This too, will pass away". Hang in there, plan for the good times and bad, and utilize every resource at your disposal. I wish the best for you and your daughter. Remember, the love you have for your darling daughter will never leave you, and no one can take that from you, ever. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and after a time, the light will come back.

[Last Laugh]

I have an 8 year old son and I just cringe to imagine what he will remember about various "episodes". But I also think he will always remember the amazing/crazy good times too. :-)

It is hard. I read that kids with a bipolar parent have high levels of cortisol (stress hormone). So sad, but we affect each other!

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

Hm, I came back to edit that youtube link out and the edit post link was already gone. Damn.

Today I took the day off of work. Call it a mental health day, I guess. Better now though, I suppose.

My husband and I kind of hung out all day today too... which was nice.

There's a lot of things I'm not proud of that has happened over the course of the weekend and I TYPICALLY don't believe in regret. I really don't. I mean, I can't. I know full well it's not fair to myself. There's just something shattering about feeling like THAT much of a failure that I couldn't control myself in front of a two year old. Let alone my OWN two year old.

And my one friend, who granted was only trying to make me feel better, kept saying "this like this happen all the time. all parents lose their temper sometimes" And I don't know why but that almost made it worse. Because then THAT makes it seem like... I don't know... like I just didn't try hard enough to control myself. Like I'm really NOT bipolar at all... I know full well that's not what she meant, but that's what I heard.

I think you can do everything you can to control yourself, to do the best you can at the moment, and *not* be a 'bad' person, and yet it not be about bipolar. I'm not saying it isn't, only that having bipolar does not determine whether something one has done makes them a 'bad' person or not a 'bad' person. Anyone in this situation, doesn't matter who, I think needs to try to not beat themselves up for it, not define themselves by the one action, and just try to figure out how to prevent it in the future -that's all anyone can ask of themselves.

[thebelljar12]

I'm sorry that I can't offer any "empathy" because I don't have children but I can imagine that It's very difficult to have to walk on eggshells and all the support that I can offer is that I've seen people in their 50s in the psych ward that have 20 something year olds that still love them and come to see them. I think everything will be ok