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#1
Jul 23, 2013, 12:21 PM
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So yesterday I had a very triggering dream (no details for everyone's safety). Now I want to hurt myself. It's all I can think about. Compounded by someone in my program doing said act and going inpatient. Is it wrong to want to go inpatient? I just got out two weeks ago and already I am dreaming of the hospital. I hate this about myself. I hate not wanting to be part of normal life. Why don't I want to participate in life? All I can think about now is hurting myself. I''m actually jealous of the other girl because she COULD and I can't.
On top of this all my husband has a mass on his femur that could be cancer. I'm so scared for him. I don't want to go through that. I will be a complete wreck. I wish life were easy lol.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
 A Red Panda, Anonymous100103, faerie_moon_x, HealingNSuffering, middlepath, Victoria'smom
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#2
Jul 23, 2013, 02:00 PM
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When I'm stressed out about anything at all, my main daydream is to wish I was travelling somewhere new.
It's ok to wish you were somewhere where you feel safe and secure. It's sorta like our own little happy places. Yours currently happens to be the hospital, because you were just there and you felt safe there. Dreams can be triggering and that's alright. Knowing about that other girl in your program would also be triggering, as would the mass on your husband's femur. That's a lot of triggering stressful things to have go on within two weeks of coming back out of the hospital! I am going to take a guess and think that it's not that you want out of normal life.. it's that you want out of overwhelming stress. And that, believe it or not, is TOTALLY NORMAL! You just happen to know that you actually do have an actual escape - going inpatient. Not everyone would consider that an option, or even think about it. I have faith in you that you can work through the stress! How much have you and your husband talked about the mass? Does he know how scared you are for him? Have you done research on what it could be and what the next steps are? Maybe you could do that together... unless you think it would be more triggering? In which case don't. Anyway I sorta just lost my train of thought due to my cat jumping onto my stomach. So I am just going to click "send" and hope that this has been somewhat helpful or comforting?
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#3
Jul 23, 2013, 02:55 PM
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He got bloodwork back today that shows elevated white blood cells which points to a tumor of some sort, either benign or cancerous. We're both really scared that it could be cancer. I don't even know what to do at this point. This is one of one of my worst nightmares. I don't know how I can be strong.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
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#4
Jul 23, 2013, 05:05 PM
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I'm sory about your husband.
 Hopefully it is not cancer. It's normal to feel stressed out right now. Take time for both of you to regroup. 
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#5
Jul 23, 2013, 05:24 PM
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Well his carcinogen level is zero so it's unlikely that it is cancer but there is still a chance. But right now we are just trying to remain hopeful.
I still want to self harm really badly. I hope I can fight the urges.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| A Red Panda
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#6
Jul 24, 2013, 12:25 AM
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have you tried many of the self harming distractions?I am glad his test came back normal. honestly think that you feel that you need more support to get through all this an inpatient is the place that you got the most support lately.
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Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
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#7
Jul 24, 2013, 08:49 AM
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Yay! I'm glad to hear that the carcinogen level was zero! That's excellent news and totally something to focus on right now.
I hope that you can fight the urge to self-harm too. Why not clean the bathroom super thoroughly? Like scrubbing between the tiles in the shower. THAT is essentially self-harm because it's a horrid job. And it's time-consuming. ANNNNND productive!
__________________
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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