it's wierd being wierd

...there is nowhere to really hide

hmmm...what to say to myself?

like a calamity in progress there is little effort in stabilising when I'm flat out on the floor...

such troubles assault me and I realise that the most troubling thing in my world?....as most recently displayed by all that I have done...
the most troubling thing that nearly kills me every day!

I am so alone

I am so lonely

I never thought I would admit it

I always imagined I was strong

but I am not

and the tears fall off my lonely face

I worked it out I have to write all my things in the one spot...

instead of ambushing the forum..

took me long enough.

but I kind of understand it too
I have to be I have to be in all ways...
I am just too much

anyone feel too much?

I'm like the human the wonderful world wants to avoid

the perfect world fits unlike me...

I am dangerous spectacular crazy!

and I am nothing....forever nothing

pitiful

full of pity

and yet?

I am here

Run Banana Run!!!

Or perhaps the bowl is too small.

To answer your question... Yes, I feel too much too much, way too much of the time. It's just something that is given and that I have learned to tune out, to notice but keep my distance from per say. Crazy, huh? Is that what's tormenting you? Feeling too much? My meds really help with the whole, feeling too much thing. they really tone it down to the point to where I am assuming that other people, people without this condition, to where they normally feel.

I follow your posts, but you rarely ask questions so I don't have much of a chance to respond.

I have to respond again, I just turned on my notifications and I want to keep an eye on this thread!

I definitely feel too much too much of the time too. Sometimes I don't know what my actual feelings are, or what are just the feelings that are going on around me. I have to look closely to sort it out, or spend time all on my own.

Every time that I spend time alone, I get more mixed up in the head. It's like I need the distraction of things happening around me when I feel too much. There is no sorting things out for me, only letting them go and wiping the slate clean, as clean as I can get it and trying again.

DoubleMonkey: I too want to keep an eye on this thread. I too feel too much. I too have found a spot to put all my troubles in one place so that I don't spam the threads with my particular kind of crazy.

And, I'm finding it helps. I'm putting my life, my delusional life, out there for everyone to see. I think I'm doing it so that I can recognize that it was a delusion. One that I was prone to because I was unmedicated at the time. One that I now can see because I'm back on the meds I need to be able to see such things.

Here's hoping you find you're not alone. If no one else is there, I am.

Now you're on my subscribed threads. I can see you now; therefore, you are.

I like that. "I can see you; therefore, you are."

Validation. What a crazy thought. we all need validation, to know that we are not the only ones feeling the things that we try to hide, try to make sense of and try to get past.

So I have to wonder if that is the point of all of this. Of a support group and talking to others who's emotions swirl around like a washer machine on spin cycle.... If it is all about validation?

I don't think it's all just validation (although that has been mostly what I've found useful about this site... validation that all my other "nutty" behaviours and thought processes... which aren't under official bipolar diagnosis... are shared by a lot of other people who have bipolar). I think it's also a good place to advise and new ideas, and a place to sort out our thoughts and ideas. It's a safe place to explore those things, and to request help when we need it.

I agree. I just got stuck on the whole validation idea. I'm pretty new at this, so that was a huge thought for me lol.

Don't worry about it. I get stuck on ideas too. Usually bad ones. But sometimes good ones! I find the validation here to be really important to me.. because it's not something I'm used to, in the slightest.

Weirdness has its benefits. At least we ain't boring.

That, and based on books I have read our illness has ties to creative thinking so we have that going for us.

Though I admit when my thinking reaches "ghost in the shell" level of information overload I wish I could turn it all off.

sorry about the confusion about the double posts. my phone is playing tricks on me

Having spent a great deal of my life knowing I had this disease and seeing what it can do from every angle, sometime it is about validation.

Usually for those new to the disease, validation is really necessary. I'd go so far to say that on those days when we're ready to end it all and jump off the planet, validation again is a necessary part of being able to cope for one more day.

It doesn't all come down to that simple matter though. More often than not, to me, I've found it's a huge search to answer the question "Why".

Something we never find the answer to, I might add, but the search is usually there in the background all the time. We simply have to learn to stop asking that question as it tends to stunt our lives.

I'm totally a calamity in progress (presently, and if the past is any indication of the future, I may as well accept it)... Calamity would be a good name for me - like a real life legal name change - I like it..

I feel too much... I think too much... I' too much' too much... it's who I am, it's ok. And I'm lonely so lonely, try not to let it show. What's so hard is feeling I don't fit in anywhere. So far and few between finding a friend who has the brain capacity and emotional depth to understand me.

I'm a black sheep, shunned in my community. I'm fine with being weird, anything other would be a bore, but they aren't ok with it. I hate my uptight, shallow neighbors. "OMG she played music (one song) and sang top of her lungs after midnight! Call an emergency home owners association immediately!!" Is there anywhere I'd belong?

thanks for writing things



just when I thought it couldn't get more tricky it..

well it just does...

when living life is just about survival...for so long.

I don't know what else to say?

I don't expect sympathy or even comfort.
I just do what I can...

weird as it is or ?

I don't expect sympathy or comfort either - in fact it tends to make me cry because I'm so surprised by it!

sympathy and/or comfort, in my experience, leads to a sense of responsibility... at least it always has for me. it most always led to a sense of obligation for me. So when I can't take on anymore, broken, I can't take on that kind of responsibility to the person trying to help. I can't be obligated to someone when I feel that bad. That's just me though

Then waking up after a very long sleep feeling the desire to cry isn't out of the ordinary. Good.

I got my dx of BP in 2011. I didn't believe what the pdoc said. I took lithium for 10 months and the only thing in my life that changed was that I gained 30 pounds that now I can't lose.

I was here in 2011 but drifted away and stopped coming to the forums. This month another (2nd) pdoc told me I was BP. So I stopped and took time out and read books, and thought about my life. I thought, maybe they're right. So I came back here.

There is a thread here called "You know you're BP if...". Almost everything that everyone posted I had done at some point in my life. The validation felt SO good, I can't even describe it. I felt like I had a whole world of new friends and had come home. Validation is so important.