[Charrlee]

A week ago I returned from my first visit to a psychiatric facility after a suicidal episode. They diagnosed me as bipolar I, and gave me depakote and risperdol. At first I was resistant to the diagnosis; to this point I thought I had been very good and kind to the doctors, explaining in sound, calm logic why and how I had to kill myself, all the thoughts I have and why they exist that way. If anything they should be telling me I'm the sanest person they'd ever met! Furthermore, I told them, bipolar people are happy at least sometimes, and I've never been happy, only extremely angry or depressed.

Thankfully I had a while in the hospital and a host of very patient people to help me come to terms with the idea. With new clarity I could suddenly identify cycles and episodes past, my vapid mood swings, my destructive thoughts being removed from reality. By the end my diagnosis fit more like a hug than a slap to the face.

Of course the "outside" is jarring. Since I've left I've made a real effort to change my thought processes, to end bad thoughts before they get out of control and to avoid situations that might trigger me. I can tell it's going to be a struggle but knowing you have a problem is the first step to fixing it.

One problem I'm having is with my friends and family- everyone I've told has been pretty dismissive. "You're perfectly normal, you're just confused right now." "Everyone checks out once in a while, are you sure this wasn't just too much stress?" "There's nothing wrong with you that changing X wouldn't fix." I know these people are genuinely concerned about the nature of my distress, and I've chosen to focus on making them understand most of the turmoil is where they can't see it, in my head. To them I might seem normal if not quick tempered, but inside my every interaction is a struggle. As yet most are still unimpressed by my diagnosis.

I plan to work really hard at maintaining the beast but it's difficult when the people you need for healing don't believe there's a problem. I also have to change my work (I'm a waitress of 4 years and as you can imagine it's been a problem) and my environment to stay healthy, and those all seem like daunting tasks. As good as it feels to have a name and a treatment for what's been plaguing me for years... well, it feels like someone just gave me a horse.

Sorry for the essay and thanks for reading- I don't know if there was a question but maybe people could post their experiences first being diagnosed.

[dragonfly2]

Hi Charrlee - and welcome to the forums.

Being newly diagnosed for me was both a blessing and.....well...not. It was a relief to finally know what was going on, but then the realization that it was never going to be "cured" was a little hard to take. But that was 13 years ago and I have learned to manage it with medication and therapy for the most part.

I think that others have a difficult time with it sometimes. Like your diagnosis is somehow a reflection on them. If there is someone particularly close to you who you really need as a support, it may be worth it to ask them to come to a pdoc or therapy appt with you sometime and have them hear it from a professional. The pdoc/tdoc may be able to explain it in a way that they can understand and get them to understand that you need their support, not dismissiveness right now.

In times when our families and friends aren't supportive, it helps to come to places like this or to find a person-to-person support group in your area. Try Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance for a local bipolar support group. And hang in there. Give yourself time to adjust to it all. You'll get there.

I went in for other issues when I got diagnosed. Got railroaded by that one. After some explaining and me trying to convince everyone they were wrong and had made a mistake...

It all started making sense. But the more it made sense, the angrier I had become. you see my onset was when I was a kid, and to hear that my life could have been somewhat normal is a very upsetting thought. that's cuz I am in my thirties. and got diagnosed almost two years ago.

So it's been bittersweet for me. Yay me lol.

how are you handling it now?

[~Christina]

I think everyone can relate to struggles with friends and family not really understanding Bipolar

Having great support from family and friends can make a huge difference but ... Sometimes it's not there so you need to learn ways to get by without it. I use Coping skills of every kind , Exercise, diet, grounding skills , breathing exercises and support sites like here.

I hope you have a T ( therapist) he/she can really help you and help you find ways to feel better and become more at ease with all the problems that can be caused having Bipolar

Welcome to PC I hope you find the support and help here that I have.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was first dx'ed six years ago and I said no way. I said they were the crazy ones. I spent six years dragging myself through depressions and flying through hypomania a without recognizing what they were. Then in January I broke down with my first mixed episode. Then I experienced my first real mania. Then I had to admit something was wrong.

I was dx'ed with bp 1 in may and I fought it for months. I've just now come to accept it. I went through DBT therapy and it's been the most helpful thing I could have ever done. It really helps me through my lows. Just having a high now and it's helping me ground myself so I don't fly off earth too far as long as I actually use my skills.

Welcome to PC! I hope you find some support here.

[deelooted]

Blessings and welcome to PC it is nice to meet you.

When I was first diagnosed, my pdoc later told me that I looked like a deer in headlights That was two months ago, and after starting and stopping my meds three time over has shown I still don't really accept it...even though I can now clearly see the signs, my delusional mind still wrestles with it.

I even went to get second opinions, third opinions, I don't know what for... definitely ill! I have been on my meds for about two weeks, and this is the longest I have stuck it out. No more manic for now, but left down in the dumps. Just started bupropion a few days ago, hope it pulls me up soon. Hope I don't throw my meds away again, too!

[Charrlee]

Thanks for the kind words and sharing, everyone

Dumbfounded- I feel equal parts happy like 'Yay I can do something about this' and scared like 'Oh god, "this" is bp.'

Christina, I'm working on getting a therapist but money is really tight right now (had to cancel with the hospital-appointed one). Unfortunately my insurance sucks so options are limited :/ I know how important they are though, and definitely don't want to lose sight of getting one.

Deelooted I so hope you find harmony with your meds soon. Over the years I've heard multiple people complain especially about bipolar meds, while other people have used them fine so I suspect it's really a 'personal cocktail' kind of thing.

I've only been on these medicines for a couple weeks and am still trying to feel them out. It feels like all the emotions are there, just trapped behind glass.

[TippPatt]

Yes, it is a personal cocktail sort of thing that changes over time. The only mandate you need to realize is that you must take your meds. If you don't, I've found that the falling apart bit comes on much harder than it has to. Ergo, just take the things and be honest with your doctor as to how this particular cocktail is working for you.

Your brain chemistry is just that - yours. It is specific only to you and over time, your body does change what it needs to function normally. Keep that in mind and again, be honest with your doctor.

I was diagnosed 27 years ago. Yes, I've live that long with this diagnosis (actually, I manifested at about age 4). I would first suggest you new ones figure out, by reading or your therapist leading you, what the disease is and what you can expect from both your highs, lows and middles. Based on your personal history, your triggers will change what your highs and lows look like. No two are exactly the same, but there are different bipolar expectations; know yours. BP I is different from BP II.

Over time, you'll be able to notice the little things that tell you something is changing. Like today, in the check in thread, I was able to recognize that I snapped at someone today, just a pissy little comment within a good day, about something that was actually going to be a benefit to me. For me, that portends the peak and the beginning of the fall. You too will be able, with help from your therapist and time, to be aware of the change coming on. When you are able to do that, you will no longer be frightened of what will happen every day and you will be able to warn those you live with if you're a particularly angry BP. Eventually all of you will understand: It's not you, it's your chemistry acting up.

Now, as to educating your support system: that's a tough nut to crack. Some get the drift, some don't. It's a disease that can't be seen and that's mainly why they just don't get it. Accept that. Fighting that is just exhausting. I'd suggest you take a look at your family history as this is passed down genetically. I found it an interesting, and somewhat sad, roam though the family tree.

Ah, one other tip: learn to apologize. Leaving those unsaid isn't good over time.

I was first diagnosed about 13 years ago. However, looking back at my childhood, I probably could have been diagnosed at the the rip old age of 10. Lashing out, angry, aggressive, then slide into a massive depression (which led to my first suicide attempt, and my first therapy). However, it wasn't until I went to see a VA pdoc b/c of my PTSD, that I was diagnosed. According to him, during a 2 hour session, he watched me cycle. So he put me on a cocktail of mood stabilizers, and antidepressants. this cocktail worked great for me for awhile, with just a few tweaks of the dosages.

At the time, I was like oh well, give me the meds and like everything else in my life, I'll deal with it. Now all these years later, I'm finally owning the disorder, and educating myself so I can be part of my treatment team.

One of the first things my new pdoc had me do was read a book called "An Unquiet Mind." While I was reading it, it scared me. I saw me. SO after I read it, I gave it to my roommates to read. And they said "wow that's you." But it gave them a better understanding of what I'm going through.

The people here are awesome!!! I've learned a lot from them, and continue to learn from them. Even if you just lurk, and read what others are going through, you might just say that's me. I wish you the best. And I hope you enjoy your stay here at PC.

Jeff

[Margolomania]

Wow. At first, I was thinking, "oh this is different from me". Then as I kept on reading, that went to, "ok I can definitely relate!". Like you, I've been newly diagnosed. Well, a few months in but it's still sorta new. I also felt the way most of the posters here brought up... especially dumbfounded mentioned that her onset was something from childhood. Mine was the same, and I'm still struggling with bursts of anger and depression from it all. Though I've answered most of my questions, the same questions come to haunt me back on my bad days and I continue to ask why, why, why??

Through all this though, it has helped me, but I definitely have a hard time trying to explain things to others. Other people look at me and I can almost read it in their eyes- "there's nothing wrong with you" "oh you'll be fine. people get sad sometimes" plus a bunch of other things. People don't outright tell me that they don't think anything's wrong, but they do shrug me off even when I just told them that I was crying in a fetal position just the night before and wanted to watch the whole world burn, or that I was having a hard time paying attention to anything they said because I was too "hyper". They just look at me like I'm exeggerating things and they move on. I say these things to them because a lot of times, it's my cry for help. It's my way of saying, "hey, I feel like I'm spiralling off to a bad direction. I need someone to watch my back". Instead, I receive a nonchalant "Eh. You'll pull through." O_O

Which is why I joined the forums for psychcentral actually. I used to come to the site just to look at info on bipolar, take tests for giggles although I already know what the scores are going to be in the end. But I got really needy for understanding, for people who can look at me (well, sorta) and say, "yes. I know how you feel"; I just needed to find some kind of validation because there are days when I still question my diagnosis and think the old thoughts, that I'm just making this all up, that I just WANT to be bipolar so I can feel special, and that I'm just a monster on the inside messed up from a string of negative events in childhood.

I'm... kind of swimming in my own thoughts right now so I hope all this is making sense -_-' I've been in kind of a depressive mode and I can feel it coming down on me, but trying not to let the overwhelmingly negative thoughts that want to fill my head.

I guess... I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I have to go distract myself now before I start crying like a loon at work :/