[zbmom]

I just had my 7th miscarriage in 2.5 years on the 19th. I have one healthy child from my first pregnancy and since then I haven't been able to have another one. The first 6 losses were at 5 weeks but this last one I made it to 10.

I am devastated. We had a heartbeat and baby was growing, we had too good ultrasounds, and then I went into to OB on the 15th and baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and no heartbeat. I ended up in the ER on the 19th. My body passed the baby in the toilet right when I got there and when I stood up the toilet autoflushed everything away. I still can't quite deal with that. I had to have an emergency D and C.

I am a complete wreck, I can't sleep well, I'm so angry and so sad. I've been off meds since Jan because I didn't want to be on anything while pregnant. Had preg in March, May, and then this one. So have spent a good part of the year with crazy hormones.

I had to move to a new area last year so I lost my amazing T and pdoc and haven't replaced them. I'm going to go to mental health tomorrow and try to get some help. If it wasn't for my son I just would give up but I can't do that to him.

All I want to do is drink, cut, and not be here anymore. I have to get myself together. It is so hard, and I feel so alone.

I'm scared to death to go back on meds, I'm afraid of the side effects. I'm afraid I'll get a mean or apathetic pdoc and I'll be playing russian roulette with my life. But how can I go on like this? I don't know what the right things to do is. I'm going to go tomorrow but I'm terrified and tired and overwhelmed.

[Patsy Cline]

Zbmom,

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. There's nothing more heart wrenching than the loss of a loved one. I hope that you find a sympathetic dr who will help you. Get your rest. In time your body will heal and so will your broken heart.

Keep reaching out, enjoy your son and if you are a woman of faith, pray. I look forward to the day when death, tears and mourning will be a thing of the past. (Rev 21:4)

[Mollywisk]

I am so very sorry. You have suffered great loss. I wish the best for you and your family.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Both your body and your mind need time to heal. Treating the bipolar and depression is important and if you took medicines that worked before perhaps you can go back to those. Make sure you get a therapist too, to help deal with all the trauma you've experienced, you need to have someone you can talk to about all your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes our family members aren't able to be that person. Take time to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Do the things that are best for you. (hugs)

*hugs* I am so sorry for your loss.

[zbmom]

Thank you guys. It is just so hard to deal with anything on top of the exhaustion and grief. The poor sleeping, and alternating between no appetite and eating junk. I don't have to take meds, I don't get into trouble during my hypomanias and they're very rare and short lived. The last time I was this depressed though it took me over 4 months to come out of it. So I guess the best thing is just to go and find out what my options are. I'm still terrified of most pdocs, my old one was an exception and I only trusted her because my T did. Wish I still had those supports :-(