[BinaryMan]

My GF says I need to learn how to deal with non-bipolar people (namely her). She is upset about how there are so many books and articles about how to deal with a bipolar spouse/family member/boyfriend but nothing about how a person with bipolar should treat others.

I don't know how the hell to feel about this. I want to tell her off so bad, but at the same time I can't help but wonder if is true. She is sitting there reading everything she can find about my illness. In contrast I am like a bump on a log. I am trying to help me, I am working on becoming stable but I ain't reading about how to deal with her.

Am I wrong for that? Am I being selfish?

[Skittles56]

We might be victims, but we don't have to act like it. It's not like we have a communicable disease. We still have to take part and live in the world.

It sounds like your girlfriend is really making an effort to understand and support you. You need to understand that she needs some support too. Mutual understanding makes a relationship work, no matter what the circumstances.

I hope you work things out. Your girlfriend sounds like a keeper.

[Phoenix_1]

I'm with Skittles, but I never use the word victim. We are Survivors !!

[henrydavidtherobot]

I see her point (even though I'm pretty sure than it therapy we learn how to deal with others), but I can understand why you're hurt by it. Nobody wants to feel like they should be trained to fit into the world. I think she had the best intentions at heart though. Bi polar or not, we could all learn how to be better to people.

[lateralminds]

I agree, it's very difficult to deal with non-bipolar people!

They're so wrong and boring!

:P

[henrydavidtherobot]

lateralminds, I know its wrong, but I find most people on this planet to be wrong and boring haha

[lateralminds]

hmmm I thought the bipolar population was bigger???

I guess that's why were here keeping things freshly dipped in intellectual stimuli

boring and wrong

nevermind... good album

[BinaryMan]

Thanks everyone.

I have calmed down now. I want to try and support her, so I asked her how I could do that. She can not give me an answer. Deep down I feel she wants to say "don't be bipolar" but knows better, yet that is all just assuming on my part and I know assumptions are wrong. I really want to fix this relationship. I feel the only problem is me and my bipolar. I feel without it we would be fine. And I think she feels the same way only she can not see the difference between me and the bipolar. ugh... this is so complicated. I just wanted a nice three day weekend with her, now we spent the entire first day fighting

[breannanaomi47]

Originally Posted by BinaryMan

My GF says I need to learn how to deal with non-bipolar people (namely her). She is upset about how there are so many books and articles about how to deal with a bipolar spouse/family member/boyfriend but nothing about how a person with bipolar should treat others.

I don't know how the hell to feel about this. I want to tell her off so bad, but at the same time I can't help but wonder if is true. She is sitting there reading everything she can find about my illness. In contrast I am like a bump on a log. I am trying to help me, I am working on becoming stable but I ain't reading about how to deal with her.

Am I wrong for that? Am I being selfish?

No not at all I was diagnosed bipolar after being hospitalized for having a bad bipolar episode( wont get into detail) but ever since everyday is a struggle to try and cope with the non bipolar people I sometimes start flipping out on someone and have to remind myself to just chill. Its very hard to deal with it especially when they try to tip toe around it. Just try your best to help her understand

[Trippin2.0]

I can understand your gf's frustration.
There is so much literature out there to educate normals how to deal with us "special needs" folk but none of it schooling us on how to deal with them.

What I have learned in my own life and from trusted friends here?

Don't treat normals as a crutch, you're not broken don't expect them to fix you.

Don't be bipolar 24/7 (bear with me);
When your dx is the centre of your universe and your world revolves around moods and episodes, you are subjecting others to that reality too. All they end up seeing is your dx, and in this case it wouldn't be their fault.

When you're inbetween episodes, enjoy it, dont fret about the next one. This gives you time to breath and the SO time to relax and see you, instead of one or both of you waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Don't be a coward and blame bp for bad behaviour.
Own your shyt.

Don't involve SO's in everything bp related, you'll wear them down. (me, my bp and bf stays seperate atleast while we are still living seperately, I may reconsider in the future).

Don't put the burden of understanding bp on normals. They can't and they won't no matter how they try. If they say they do, they're lying. Literature can describe the disorder, but it cannot relay the bipolar experience. Instead aim for acceptance.
Acceptance is a worthy goal, to be accepted worts and all, without the ability of understanding speaks volumes and also places MUCH less pressure on the normal in question.

In essence, bring more than bipolar to the table. Many of us get so caught up with wanting people to be supportive and needing them to put up with our shyt, desperately seeking understanding, that we forget we need to have something to offer too.

[plum123456]

Hi BinaryMan,

I can empathize with your partner. I just ended a relationship with my bipolar partner of a little over a year. We were together immediately before the diagnosis, through the diagnosis, and through a revision to the diagnosis. He has Cyclothymia with narcissistic traits. It has not been easy at all.

Maybe I can give you some insight to the other side.

I spent a lot of time reading about his illness and his medication. I've hung out on these forums and I joined an online support group. I noticed when the moods were shifting, because he would go from being calm, cool, relaxed, sweet, to being irritable with a short fuse. When the downswing starts, he starts getting obsessive about rules and ethics. Suddenly everything I say/do is unethical or un-principled. When the upswing starts, I am his reason for living. He loves me so much. He cannot keep his hands off me. He wants to spend as much time with me as possible.

It has been difficult to determine what part of his behavior reflects moods or reflects his personality. I've been told I forced him to be with me, I've been told that coming on these forums for support is tantamount to "bringing others into our relationship," I've been called horrible, specific names like "authoritarian" and "totalitarian" and "militant." I've been told I "betray [his] trust at every opportunity." He recently lied to me about keeping in touch with a girl from the past--a manic past--and he plays with words and meaning. For instance, I asked if he spoke to her during a period when we were broken up (because he would not see a new doctor to get a second opinion since he was still having a hard time after 6mos of medication), he told me no. I recently learned he chatted with her online. His response? "You said SPEAK. I didn't SPEAK to her, like on the phone or in person. I just texted her and responded online. That's not speaking." When we fight he picks on ONE word or how I arranged a sentence and he launches into a critique. If I allude to being fed up with this and wanting out, he starts personally insulting me.

On the flip side, he continues to tell me how sweet I am, how I am the only one he has ever trusted, how he wants a life with me, how he loves me so much, etc.

At this point I feel like he only "loves" his punching bag/cheerleader/support system, not ME. Whenever I try to talk about how his behavior affects me, he shifts the blame and blames me for his behavior. *I* provoked him.

I don't know what your relationship is like. If it is like this though it can be exhausting and damaging to the partner. I swear he hated me last winter and last summer he wouldn't even take my calls because he was so depressed. These days I don't think he sees me as a person at all. Your partner needs support just as much as you do. It is not easy dealing with irritability or the depressive episodes or the fear that mania may return.