Realization

I wasn't sure where to post this since I have so many issues. I may be diagnosed with schizoaffective and bpd, but I have to wait to see my pdoc.

When I was talking to my friend, the subject of my disabilities came up. I talked about how when I was a child I had so much happiness and felt so full of life, but it's gone now. After becoming bipolar along with other things, I noticed that full of life feeling went away. I can be happy, but it doesn't stay very long; it's a flick of light. I don't have depression so for the longest time I didn't know what it was. He told me that feeling is being numb/empty. I never thought of that since it sounds so negative, but it's true. For most of my teenage years I've been asking myself how and why this full of life feeling went away and how could I return it. Can this numbness go away or will it always stay with me? I'm not sure what disorder caused this numbness, does anyone know? It wasn't from my autism since I've been autistic all my life.

It can go away. Mine did. A combination of therapy the right meds and time. The wrong meds and u feel even more numb or still cycle. Hope you feel better soon.

I'd hope so and thank you.

I've never got numbness, was depressed as the kids I didn't recognize it when I get old. I did not know I got anxious either. the idea that I could possibly be delusional or hallucinationat was completely ridiculous to me. Honestly this had to be explained to me repetitively and still does because I thought everyone lived like me. I know it sounds stupid but it happens.

When I was put on certain meds I felt totally dead inside. I couldn't even bring myself to care about my own children.

Feelings of emptiness/numbness I think are going to be very personal, specific to you and your psychology. It can be a symptom of depression, but you say you don't suffer from this. Definitely something to explore.

You have a lot going on and it sounds like it's necessarily pretty confusing. Do you have a therapist with whom you can talk to about things? Do you have an appointment with a pdoc, so you can parse out what's going on diagnosis-wise? We can't diagnose you here, but it sounds like you need support and help --hope you reach out (and continue to do so here) so you can start on the road to recovery! Best of luck.

Well, if it helps I can share that, despite the fact that I had already struggled with suicidal impulses for years, it was long-term emotional disconnection that made me seek treatment for the first time. So it's certainly possible to experience it with bipolar. The opposite of joy isn't sadness, it's emptiness. That's how I experience depression.