I know you all can relate but its been bugging me here lately that I've been having to fake normal for a while now. I used to go to a support group and it was great for a number of years but as my anxiety issues got worse going there became torture not the needed sanctuary it had once been. Anyway, since then a lot of new people have entered my life through my son becoming engaged. I cant tell these people about myself and I feel like I am hiding myself and it doesnt feel right. Its one of the reasons I have come back to the online forum. Because I have no one else who understands what we go through. Anyway, I just needed to kind of 'say' it out loud because I know my husband would not understand this feeling in a million years. He already told me a couple of weeks ago that I use my issues as a cop out and that everyone gets anxious. You'd think after all this time he would kind of get it but he just wants thing the way they used to be. I'm not sure how far back that is now since we have been dealing with the bp for 7 years. Anyway, thats my vent for now, thanks for listening.

[WrongEverything]

Emomom i don't have much to say but you've been so nice to me lately I can't help but send hugs your way.

I get faking everything, I don't tell anyone around me my craziness either. I'm a silent lunatic. Any way to fake it so much that you don't even think about it?

My fake-ness is second nature at this point, i don't even think about it. Maybe I'm naturally manicly-bubbly.

[medicalfox]

It's a shame how people will discriminate and view us as "bad" instead of getting to know us and understanding what we have/go though. I opened up to a few people, but only one of them actually talks to me often which is my significant other. He doesn't understand everything I have to go through, but at least he sympathizes. I understand what you're going through and it's hard, that's what this forum is here for; you can be your true self here. It's not as great as being able to be your true self in real life, but at least it's something.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't see my not involving others in my bp issues as faking it. I see it as being private. I fake it when I have to force myself out of bed to haul my butt to work, but that's just part and parcel of living with bp...

After being dxd I felt a huge need to "come out" doing so didn't change anything for me personally.
I didn't feel more authentic, but then I guess I've always embraced my authentic self and that was not the issue behind my being open about my dx.

These days I say nothing, mostly because people with cancer or HIV don't ago around declaring it left right and centre, so why should I? Ya know...

IMO you need to ask yourself what it is you wish to gain from wearing a scarlett letter on your forehead so to speak. Support? understanding? acceptance? and then take it from there.

[gayleggg]

I fake it everyday at work. That's my job; to smile and cheerful and welcome guests. I guarantee you that I don't feel like smiling or being cheerful but at least I get paid for it. Mostly, I try to act like I do when I'm normal(whatever that is). I just don't feel I need to let everyone know I'm falling apart on the inside. And Trippin2 is right, I had cancer but I didn't tell everyone I met. (my mother did that) There are just some people don't need to know everything there is to know about me, especially since most couldn't understand it anyway.

[SBs_tahira]

I fake things every day. With one side of my family i hide my psycological issues, for the other i hide my religious choices. For both i hide how their actions affect me. All most people except for the rare person see me as this happy, strong person whom they can all lean on. I put on a face of some sort for all people in my life except for my husband because some will never understand others will go on tangents about how its my religious choices that are causing this and im being punished, and yet others will say its all in my head (for that one i feel like saying duh... its psychological issues, just cause i aint bleeding doesnt mean they arent very real). We put on these masks as a form of self defense, i long for the day when 'normal' people understand what we go through on a daily basis.... just never, ever forget how strong you are.

[A Red Panda]

I fake it all the time really. Not just the bipolar, but a lot of other things.

To all outward appearances I seem like I'm a happy, extroverted, outgoing, confident person.

I'm not a single one of those things! haha. When I'm actually hypomanic I am, so I decided years ago that if I can feel that way sometimes, then I can act like it always. It keeps things consistent so that I get less of "What's wrong?" and less "You don't seem like you anymore" and whatnot... because those things just stress me out and the conversation never goes well.

But I'm relatively honest with the people I've decided to try to trust. I'll tell them that I'm not feeling well or feeling panicky (I actually say I'm feeling panicky way more often than I say I feel depressed.... I actually never say that, now that I think about it). But when I'm depressed I DO get panicky so I figure I'm only telling a half-truth.

But general public? It's none of their business what is going on in my world. So they can see the fake act and that doesn't bother me.

I know you're right, these folks don't really have a need to know. A few of them will be a part of my family in a year, it feels weird not letting them know as my own family knows and everyone is ok with it, they're supportive in their own ways. I think it really has to do with my being part of a support group for several years and being able to talk things out with like minded people and since I had to stop going I haven't had that outlet for 'letting it all hang out' so to speak. I know its weird not being able to go to a support group for mental illness because it makes your mental illness worse but it became a source of great anxiety for me. I guess wanting to 'come out' I miss the support I used to have but I'm certain that's the wrong place to find it. So continuing the way things are is what I will do. I just felt the need to talk it out. I'm talking about future in laws by the way, these people will be a part of my life for as long as my son is married, hopefully always.

[Trippin2.0]

I understand better now I think.

This is good place to come and let it all hang out, best part is, if you get triggered, you simply close the window until you feel better. Much safer than RL support group I would imagine.

Thing is, your new family members may or may not know in future. Maybe you cultivate strong relationships between you, and that leads to all or most of your family knowing, or maybe you guys don't become bosom buddies and its essentially a non-issue.

My point? Its too soon to let them in on it anyway, so don't stress about it and stop equating your privacy with hiding. This is what's causing you to feel fake, and fake is not a good feeling.

[A Red Panda]

Well, why not talk with your son about it? What does he think about you telling them?

Trippin I think you've made a really good point and red panda I believe he would have a cow lol. The boys sort of get it, mom has an illness, she manages it, but the less it gets talked about, the happier they are. I freaked them out pretty bad when I had my breakdown, they were young teens at the time. I'd been the rock all the years before, mom's don't get sick, ya know?

[A Red Panda]

Well, if he would have a cow then it's probably a good sign to not worry about telling them right now. As Trippin said, wait until you already have a really strong bond with them - there really isn't any need for them to know your health issues.

[catsrhelm]

I admit, I fake being normal. Perhaps its because of the stigmas attached to bi-polar. I guess I care about sociologically being able to function within a society. Privately, I know I am bi-polar and I deal with it by taking my medications, maintaining a good sleep schedule, and keeping a mood diary.

Thanks y'all for thessupport, I knew I came to the right place

[LacunaCoiler]

For the longest time the only person that knew about my bipolar was my girlfriend and it wasn't until my first hospital visit that I actually told anyone close to me. Now I have told my family and my close friends about it. Not only have they been very supportive it has allowed me to talk about it and make sense about it but more importantly they have been able to ask me questions they don't understand about it. Plus, they all have seen that it's not some big bad label that turns people into monsters like the media likes to portray. I'm still me and I've just got a little extra stuff to work out.

But for me, it's still a person by person faking normal. Not everyone needs to know what's going on with my life. Being a little more honest has helped my mood and allowed me to get therapy to help me not lock up everything I've locked up for the last 30 years of my life.