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#1
Aug 13, 2013, 06:38 AM
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the day arrives the yesterday aint' quite finished yet exactly why is last week still here too!?
why the hell are all the months piling up on me?... and what the hell is going on outside me? ... I see things I look everywhere I have the peripheral vision from the psycho Gods!... the pin is still in...holding it in at least I think I am?... seems I am holding the pin in from the outside inside everyside or do I really care if it's there anymore whats wrong with exploding? ...I cannot regulate to allow a freedom and 'sensible' release of feelings...ever... according to any plan..to any medication...to any freaking instruction! seems I have a new plan...a damn brilliant one. and it's really an old plan now and it's totally unplanned. I'm scared out of myself frightened about life...and that's likely when I let go of the pin...!! I'm no longer around to keep myself safe.... and freaking BANG! and likely I'm too damaged already to feel the shockwave...it's like a warm FLASH of crazy!! ....and am I ever surprised by such ordinance...I kinda know I do it on purpose... everything I do is deliberate the only accident I make is being so damn insecure. some people act on life... I'm a react on life person....I'm like dynamite.. life installs the detonator.... experience is the explosive... and I am the crazy charge Last edited by Wren_; Aug 14, 2013 at 06:38 AM. Reason: Added trigger icon for thread |
 Anonymous32734
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#2
Aug 13, 2013, 07:18 AM
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I know I'm in a place...I know it's kinda safe.!
I have had no stability... nobody has been along my path with me... and it's taken it's toll on me... I am so freaking lonely and yet!? the distance I have travelled in miles is multiplied inside...many times over I am so distant from people...I try to be strong and express myself but I am so afraid I cannot maintain it...my moods adjust and vanish and I find myself further away than ever before and in serious pain it's otherworldly like I am the reality alien! I have to blow my mind to sustain friendships...and then I still overdo it. I so need validation in this emotional desert landscape... the longer I stay here amongst the intimacy phantoms the more I perish... sandflows mountains of waterless death and I slide down the slopes of personal shame... I know it's my fault...I like to think it is because I cannot bring myself to blame anybody else! unless I go completely psycho within my surroundings I am the crazy one .... or...am I just a survivor in a very hostile world? ... |
| Anika., Anonymous32734
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 Anika.
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#3
Aug 13, 2013, 04:15 PM
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it.s not your fault.....
I llove you to die in my heart...... don.t blame me....Im love you |
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#4
Aug 13, 2013, 04:45 PM
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james!.......
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#5
Aug 13, 2013, 04:53 PM
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your off probation!!!!!! it worked!!!!!!!
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#6
Aug 13, 2013, 05:01 PM
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 James 
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
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#7
Aug 13, 2013, 05:08 PM
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Quote:
serious affection! |
| ~Christina
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#8
Aug 14, 2013, 04:20 AM
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...the lunatic grumpy monster all lanky legs and grumpy green pounces on me from aways off!...
over the empty horizon it comes for me on a mission! squinty blindsided moron from my personality wasteland ...striding dis-affected dis-connected even more than I am... transporting my emotional holocaust within it's grumpy green shadow.. the monster is upon me just by it's sight and I cannot melt into the ground fast enough become like the dust impenetrable is the sand in my empty dirt lagoon! ...and backwards is the same as forwards sideways every ways always.!! I cannot escape this lanky grumpy green towering beast lurching and intent on my discovery... and yet?? there is something beautiful in this colossal vulnerability... just the sheer incredibleness of this occasion...I have been selected chosen! by such a substantial form of ugliness this supergreen superlanky superugly beast ...massive in it's superguise and over the desert dunes it has travelled emerging from the land of the superscrewed up! ...I fall on my knees and bless myself and God before the monster actually reaches for me and I am finished |
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#9
Aug 14, 2013, 04:43 AM
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(thanks mods for compiling my stuff!)
 this one is called "the blindeye" he has no idea what looks appear to be his mirror lies to him every day... ...and it's so dark outside! things make elusive shapes of unrecognisables... like pretend like pretence! it's all mis-shapen and almost disgustingly unknown like it's all there but I cannot make out the forms! ...and it's so dark inside! there is a shining there is a shining promise bright as Gods personal Sun and yet this burns my heart like I can see from so far within and without! the dead street lets me wobble along in the mist and cruelty of hard ground and my feet recognise how sudden this damaged dark land is... bang and grind...and my vision is impaired! it's so dark and the raindrops are magnificent... shielding my face from unseen fears I refuse to look. can he arrive where he decided to set off? why did he set off? certainly a discomfort more profound than any other than anything he ever contemplated and unusual is best he believes! he begins to recover by talking to himself saying extra-ordinary things to fill the darkness to find sight within to establish some comfort to perhaps arrange insight just a bit ..."hey buddy ...keep walking it's ok are you alright are you ok?" "oh my what a beautiful moon....who made this path?" "how long will I live how many people have died already?" ...and he grips his coat against the chill things were obvious yesterday and today they are a mystery a supermystery... I know I am ill and I lose sight sometimes |
| ~Christina
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#10
Aug 14, 2013, 05:01 AM
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this is called "vanish"
...and everything is apparent and I am so dry and yet the tears fall like a fountain I am suffering in spaces I don't understand. I went far away I stayed close I went everywhere in between and yet? I don't recognise what effects and especially the special effects.... there is so damn much to take in so much to experience.... damn the tears fall down my face....it's all too much and? this is my life this has been my life just running scared all the time I should get a gold freaking medal!.... like emotional irregularity is a freaking Olympic event! ...life never sees me it does not remember me life makes offers to me and I refuse them ...life cannot find me ...life seems to stop looking after a while.. I wouldn't recognise it if I was right in front of me... so I don't know who dis-appeared?.. was it me?....or was it my life? I know I am still alive but there is a stink of death about me... I know one thing!...? I can vanish from that too (I guess you might wonder what this has to do with bipolar?... it is bipolar!) |
| ~Christina
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#11
Aug 14, 2013, 05:24 AM
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(I know I am busy tonight mods....thankyou....I finally worked it out...to put all my posts in the same spot
 )this one is called "keepsakes" like arriving in an air balloon!... floating upon the real world a ...drifter felt overcome overwhelmed in-sensibly awestruck! my goody bag got lost! full of the things so dear....so special so meaningful so many beautiful colours and emotions! never knew it was my survival kit! I never came down.... I could never reach it!... now it is still out there! in the wilderness! it was the only one I ever had.... bipolar involves such intense extremes.... I wish I knew 20 years ago I wish I knew now... I'm stuck here with a HUGE hole in my heart my mistakes torment me!... my terrible moods have annihilated some very beautiful situations! and what have I to show for all my excellent and horrific efforts? ....just scattered memories like a murderer I must hide I am scared that I will be discovered to be the bad person I believe that I am..... it's not so good in here... but I have some memories that keep me alive I did function well a few times these are my keepsakes |
| Anika., ~Christina
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#12
Aug 14, 2013, 06:29 AM
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this one is called "shift"
the man lays motionless his limbs are broken! the room is full of abandonment!... complete atrocity of human escape! some people come and go some people leave some people stay everyone leaves! his limbs break even more and the head watches the damage being done he sees death all around him and yet his eyes are wide....full of life!! the gift is the shift the gift is life in the drift!.... ...and another dull day all crap sad can a broken person a shattered man survive..? broken down and crushed underneath! the pressure... can he survive the shift that meets us all? old man still alive... |
| ~Christina
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#13
Aug 14, 2013, 06:53 AM
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this one is called .. "alone"
years have passed too many without number... man die death human creature...!! there is nothing outside me that can fix the inside of me... shamed beyond belief! ... terribility inability! ..nobody can be near without my fear! things will go wrong so wrong very wrong people scare me! there is no way to survive this loneliness! ...but to just hope and rip life out of this personal death! |
| ~Christina
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#14
Aug 14, 2013, 07:12 AM
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to be engaged with positive things!
despite this ridiculous illness... to survive regardless... to manage...to cope! without personal dis-regard.... and within personal regard! to cope... to trust to love the badly unloved self! to expect something that has not arrived yet... to trust |
| Anonymous45023, BlueInanna, kindachaotic, pegasus, Piraeus
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| BlueInanna, Shandar, wildflowerchild25
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#15
Aug 14, 2013, 08:47 AM
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there are feelings...
indistinct! beyond the terrible! so? live! kill suicide... and bring back to life the death inside! |
| BlueInanna, pegasus, ~Christina
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| BlueInanna, wildflowerchild25
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#16
Aug 14, 2013, 07:12 PM
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Hi dubblemonkey. That is a nice poem. You can post it in the creative corner. You will find lots of people there that write poetry. Keep em coming. Have fun.
Piraeus
__________________
Life's too short to make trouble out of small things.Kurt Nilsen. Destiny, destiny protect me from the world. Radiohead Swimming in a sea of faces, The tide of the human race oh the answer now is what I need. See it in the new sunrising and see it break on your horizon, ohhh come on love stay with me. Cold play |
| dubblemonkey
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#17
Aug 14, 2013, 07:39 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"Death is easy, peaceful: Life is harder" "The Day You Turned On Me Is The Day I Died, And I've Forgotten What It's Like, And How It Feels To Be Alive" (Daughtry-Gone) "And you always want what you're running from. It's always been that way." Bittersweet Lyrics by Ellie Goulding "The reason I hold on, cause I need this hole gone." (Stay by Rihanna) "The opposite of love's indifference." (Stubborn Love, The Lumineers) |
| dubblemonkey
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#18
Aug 14, 2013, 07:58 PM
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... I with all kindness must disagree. Not about fun... Most of us know where creative corner forum is & respect it, but if our core support group is here in bp corner... Mine is... I feel this belongs exactly here where u put it James. And it's a keeper, words we tell ourselves are powerful. Thank you James this is the exact inspiration I needed at the exact moment.
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| dubblemonkey, ~Christina
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| dubblemonkey, ~Christina
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#19
Aug 14, 2013, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
Oh, I laughed, threw my hands in the air, flailing some "all hail" at ya, James,  and shouted, "oh yeah, that's what it is!".I particularly like "keepsakes". Lots to relate to in there. Like seeing your thoughts all gathered up in this new format. Good thinking.  Apparently today is Yellow Emoticon Day. 
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| BlueInanna, dubblemonkey
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#20
Aug 14, 2013, 09:45 PM
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Oh I LOVE having all these in one spot !
I am soooo jealous of the way you can just get to the heart of things in such a wonderful way. You are amazing James
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
| BlueInanna, dubblemonkey
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| BlueInanna, dubblemonkey
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#21
Aug 14, 2013, 09:56 PM
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 .........
__________________
Ad Infinitum This living, this living, this living..was always a project of mine  |
| dubblemonkey
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| dubblemonkey
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#22
Aug 15, 2013, 09:30 AM
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another day has passed...and the days switch places in the crossover from a thousand experiences to the next million.
I try to limit my experiences... and yet? I can sit in the dark and not move an eyelash... and?... my mind goes on dangerous holidays... it's an infinite mechanism this brain! and meanwhile... I'm assaulted by emotions....are they part of my mind? ...any hint of suffering and I am in tears! takes no thought to do that! so it must be my essence....my personality...my soul? my brain just complicates everything and with "issues".... I cannot ever work it out for long until the next situation arrives... and the more I hide the more complicated things get and the more emotional I become another day is on the way 
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#23
Aug 15, 2013, 10:42 AM
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this one is called "overhell"
Amy Winehouse died on my birthday! ...and she was a magical creature.... she was never alive so she is still out there in the shadows of the living! all passed away like I understood her! how come the most expressive the most emotionally sedated get crushed by the pressure of safety? ...it's like floating dis-alive over the ruins...! there is no place to arrive when everything has left! dis-comfort is exactly the same as comfort... and pain is not painful anymore it's just sadness and emptiness fills me up enough to say goodbye |
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#24
Aug 15, 2013, 11:02 AM
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why not put a couple tunes in here
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#25
Aug 15, 2013, 11:31 AM
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happiness!
the ultimate gift! what is it? ....it's elusive it is seen in the smiles of many! and it's a shame how this simple experience is so easily distorted by the troubled! it's got so bad that happiness can be seen but not enjoyed not becoming a part of it. this is my bipolar life! I'm so conditioned to the opposite... and yet the mania arrives! and I am sure the real reason for this? is to restore the balance and?..."so it does" and the damage done is likewise either way... and nobody else would seek such joy ....and go so far out to find it... it's a magnificent thing it's a glorious abomination of stability to try and calm it down enough to see the next wave coming.... and to know?.... that it's gonna' be ok! |
| BlueInanna
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| BlueInanna
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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