[Xycin]

I'm feeling more than a little lost. To start off, I am Bipolar I (and a bunch of other things). Friday night I took an overdose. I was coherent enough after I did it to go to my brother-in-law and try to tell him what I did. I don't remember the exact reason I did it. I know there were angry feeling towards my fiance, a headache that wouldn't stop, and a maddening need to go to sleep. I don't remember taking them to kill myself but, I guess what other reason would someone do this

I spent the entire weekend in the ICU and just got out this morning. All the doctors said I wasn't suicidal and my body wasn't "damaged". My fiance and brother-in-law came and saw me twice while I was there, I only remember once, and he didn't give me any grief about picking me up when it was time to be released. On the last day I spent it apologizing to all the nurses and doctors I was mean to or was possibly mean to. I know bits and pieces and that I gave them hell.

I ended up getting some sleep next to him when we got home and we made a deal that for the time being, until this drinking phase is completely gone, he would hold onto my debit card and keys (I can still drive myself to work but that's it). I completely agreed with him on this because I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do after something like this. I want to go back to my family and be happy but what I did is constantly on my mind. Which pushes me further towards they deserve someone stronger and better than me.

I have an appointment with my Pdoc next monday and I know I will have to give her all the truth I remember and all the details to figure out where my treatment can go from here.

I guess my post is here for help on the recovery road. I feel like I am standing in quicksand, reaching for the branch that will help pull me to safety. I don't know where to start aside from going to my Pdoc.

Thanks for your time in reading this,
Xycin

[medicalfox]

I was 15 I did something similar and that landed me in ICU for a couple days followed by a week in the hospital then a few weeks in a psych ward in a different state. It took my years to get over how awful it was and all the associated feelings with it. My family didn't hold a grudge against me or anything bad, they tried to be very helpful after the incident. Don't be too hard on yourself and be gentle with yourself. It takes time and this process shouldn't be rushed. Being open and honest with your pdoc and therapist is key in your recover. I wish you the best of luck and hope this event will not occur again. I'm surprised that they let you go home after the incident and not put you into the psych wing at the hospital for evaluation and such. If you feel the need to get more help, maybe going inpatient could be helpful if you find your feelings and thoughts are over whelming. As for the family situation I would try to be more involved with them and hope that they will be understanding, this incident has affected them too.

[Xycin]

Thanks for the advice Fox.
They cleared me because I kept telling them I wasn't suicidal <why they believed it I have no clue>
The hospital was nice enough to call me today and check up on me and see how things are going and how I am feeling. I thought that was very nice of them. My fiance is being very supportive right now, which is a new leaf for him, and it's helping keep a lot of the bad feelings from coming back. I know how hard it is for them and I do my best to curb my mood swings (control them) and not hurt the ones I care about. This is about the 4th mental snap I've had in the past year.

[medicalfox]

Originally Posted by Xycin

I know how hard it is for them and I do my best to curb my mood swings (control them) and not hurt the ones I care about. This is about the 4th mental snap I've had in the past year.

Talk to your therapist about this and hopefully he or she will discuss/teach some coping mechanisms that you can use during those difficult times. Cognitive behavioral therapy is very helpful and you may want to look into it. Also, never be ashamed about going into inpatient at a hospital. If you ever feel that you are a danger to yourself (suicidal) or a danger to others, considering inpatient is strongly recommended. Being inpatient isn't terrible and I didn't mind it. I got the immediate help I needed, developed coping skills, and the food isn't bad there either

I hope you take this input into consideration and that you remain safe.

[lil_better_everyday]

You said 'drinking' phase. If your looking for help getting or staying sober, look into http://www.smartrecovery.org. I sound like a salesman on here sometimes, but its what got me sober and I fully believe in it. It uses a self-empowering, secular and science based approach, entirely different than anything 12 steps related (but can be used in addition). Free daily online meetings and if your near a major metro area, likely face to face meetings too.

I hope you feel better, and pm me if you have any questions!

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[Xycin]

It's been a struggle this past week, came close to downing another bottle of pills, but I did the internal fight and won out.

I went to my Pdoc the other day and she changed my meds all around. I don't know yet if it will help or not but I do know the valium helps me get to sleep a lot better than ativan or klonipin. I'm supposed to go see my therapist sometime this week. I should probably find my appointment card since I can't remember when I'm supposed to see her.

Thank you guys for the helping words. I know my fiance and son are very happy I am still here and that makes me smile somewhat inside.

[lil_better_everyday]

Hold on to whatever you can! We're all happy you're still here too!

If it gets bad, just tell yourself- one more day, one more hour, one more minute. Call someone you trust. Try and occupy yourself- videogames, music, reading, art.

Stay strong and please don't do anything permanent!

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