[velvetmelody]

Greetings,everyone!

First of all,excuse my language.I am from Europe and I don't speak in English on daily basis.
So this post may appear annoying to someone,but please feel free to just leave without leaving some hate comments.

When thats said..where should I begin?
Short story long-I have been struggling with myself since I was 2years old-the first time my family noticed I had some 'problems'.I was pulling my hair out,I had full palms of my hair,I cryed and I have bitten myself till blood comes out e.t.c.They brought me to several doctors and they started to medicate me.Years were passing by and either I was medicated so strongly that I couldnt understand anything or I was agressive or depressive or super happy.Mood swings all the time.I was in psychiatric hospitals a lot of times.My first suicide attempt was when I was 10 or 11.And there have been several cases where I was in an emergency room and doctors where fighting for my life.I started to do drugs,but I didnt really wanted to be high for obvious reasons,I wanted to just stop thinking because I just couldn't stop my thoughts going on and on and on and I couldn't sleep for 2,3,4 till 7days.
Now I am drug free and currently on no medication what so ever.

Now I am 18,living without my parents and deciding on medication and therapies on my own.I am struggling every day,because I wake up from really weird and vivid dreams and first thoughts in my mind is how to kill myself.I often think of death scenarious.And I imagine it so clearly.Even though recently I am quite frightened from death and I am really anxious about dying in a vehicle crash.
Then I am taking a shower and I am extremely frightened of showers,I don't like the sound of it,I think that somehow it will explode or a really hot water is going to come out and just burn me,or I will slip and break my neck,I also think that someone is besides me in shower.Then I will go to pee and the toilet flush sound frightens me so bad(at nights it's just terrible and I have to leave it unflushed and do it on morning).Then I am going to blowdry my hair and guess what-the sound frightens me.I rarely look into mirror because I am scared of seeing things.
I have seen some hallucinations,but they are really scary ones.I also have medical records saying that I had a voice speaking in my head and telling me to do stuff.Which I don't remember so vividly but I know it did happen.It was a mans voice.
But on daily basis the things that doesnt allow me to functionate normally is the anxiety from everything,the great mood swings-I can be really,really agressive from just nothing.There doesnt even have to be something to irritate me.I will just feel so angry and agressive.But the agression is so big,that in past I have broken several doors from just shuting them,mirrors,windows-bashing them with my bare foot or hands,end up cutting myself and not even noticing the pain.I just feel this urge to damage something.Usually after this 'episode' is done,I will end up crying so loudly that I will have problems with breathing(I have some medical records on signs of ephilepsia(is that how you pronounce it?)).
Another day I will be so depressive that I just don't want to go out from my house.I will not even stand up.And if I do,I just stop in the middle of the room and can't walk further because of the emptyness and sadness in me.This is just the worst feeling.
And then another day (this doesnt happen that much,like once in 2months for several days) I feel I am pretty,amazing,whatever I do,it's the best and no one could ever do something so good.I do crazy stuff,I am really playfull,I want to go to party and just never say no to something,I want to live every single minute.I am full of energy,I don't think about tomorrow,I don't think about next two minutes,it's just now and no doubts.I spend money like crazy,recently I bought shoes for 500euros!!(which is one third of my monthly salary).I went to a bank and took an appointment with the chief to speak about them giving me 10000euros so I can buy a car(which I don't need and don't even have a drivers license).Oh and don't forget the insomnia and increased energy-I do my school work on computer and in one week I finished work of one year politics,English and biology.(and I got good grades on all of them)

So about three months ago I started to look up my medical records and all of the diagnosis I have had (and at the time I was hallucionating a lot and couldn't sleep and I wasnt as ''manic'' as I was scared) and I noticed that in the medical records over and over again they write that I have ''depression with mood changes'' or ''depression with agression''.
And I began to do my research and I found out about bipolar disorder.I started to look up some things,watched several biographical movies and did 100s of quizzes online,and for the first time I felt like these symptoms are actually about me.
I am pretty sure I am bipolar,I don't know.But I went to psychiatrist and I told him that I think I could be bipolar and he gave me Lamictal,which helped me a bit,but I just drank one of the boxes and I didn't go to him anymore,because I had a feeling that he wasnt quite interested in working with me and he didn't tell me anything and I think doctors should interract with patients a bit more.
Now I am currently thinking of getting some screening or something,but I am not sure where and how I can diagnose weather I have or don't a bipolar disorder.So this long story leads us up to these questions:
1.Do you think that I might have bipolar disorder?
2.Do you might know anything else I could have(I am not seeking for problems,I am seeking for help.I don't care if I am bipolar or not mental at all.I want some help to be able function)?
3.Where and how can I diagnose Bipolar disorder?Can I do tests?Brain scan?Anything?

Thank you for your time and hoping for some answers!

[gayleggg]

Hi and welcome to PC. We are not professionals and can't diagnose illnesses only a psychiatrist can accurately diagnose you. It does sound like you have a lot going on, with a lot of different symptoms. I would another pychiatrist to evaluate you and then maybe he could prescribe something that will help. However, if you stop taking after only a few times it won't have had time to work in you system. Drugs for Bipolar and other disorders takes a while to start working. You have to give them a chance. Good luck

[Amelie10]

Getting a correct diagnosis and then the right meds can take a long time, but it is worth it. Even with a history like you have described, you can find relief.

Welcome to the Forum.

[Victoria'smom]

First off, get a full Neruo-psychological exam. A lot of your behavior, when younger including the suicide attempt, issues with sound, and anxiety reminds of my son's issues. He's diagnosed with several things. Weird and vivid dreams can be a side effect of medications. I don't doubt some of your previous medications had permanent side effects.

I agree with Miguel's mom in asking for a full neuropsychological exam. Some of your issues don't sound consistent with mental illness but more with possible sensory processing issues. Many of us here have more than one issue that we have to deal with in our mental health. I have a visual spatial processing deficit.

[ultramar]

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.

It's so complex, it's hard to say (aside from none of us being professionals in this) what's going on. I really hope that you will see a psychiatrist for an evaluation and get the help you need. Therapy may be helpful as well.

In preparation for your appointment, you could keep a mood log (you don't have to use labels like 'manic' or 'depressed', it may be more helpful to describe how you feel, i.e. sad, angry, hopeless, scared, anxious, etc.), how long they last, and what triggers/precipitates them. And if this doctor doesn't have direct access to your old medical records, it would probably be a good idea to bring them with you.

I'm glad you're seeking help. You have so much going on, I so hope you get the help you need.

[velvetmelody]

I am actually really,really emotional right now after reading all of your sweet comments.I have never ever wrote and asked for a help in internet.Thank you all so much for cheering and wishing well and all the information.I am going to my psychiatrist in 2weeks and I will also ask him about the neuro psychological test some of you suggested me to take.
I will let you know how it went!

Again,thank you so much and best of luck and lots and lots of love!! <3

[Victoria'smom]

velvetmelody don't be surprised if the neuropsychologist has a long waiting list. My son had to wait 9 months but he had to go to a pediatric neuropsychologist.