[jaimebaby]

Hi all,

I have type 2 bipolar disorder. Lately I've been experiencing a lot of depression now that I'm finally on the correct medication (go figure...) from overwhelming thoughts and regrets from things I had done in the past when I wasn't medicated. Now that I'm not manic at all anymore I've been feeling a lot of remorse and even shame for stupid things I had done that brought me to this point in my life. The only thing I miss about being unmedicated is that I didn't care about the things I have done and I could sleep at night. Now I'm constantly worrying about what everyone else thinks of me and I'm even having nightmares every night about my past mistakes.

My question is, are any of you going through this? If you have moved past it, what helped you move forward? I just want to move on with my life and stop hating myself.

Thanks

[Blue_Bird]

Hi Jaime, I'm currently going through this as well. It's very depressing remembering all the mistakes, regrets and embarrassing things you did before. Right now I'm just trying to move on and forget things I've done. Put it in the past and move forward, just try to be happy. I use my coping skills and just try to forget and focus on the future and what I'm going to do to make things better rather than dwelling on past mistakes. It sounds hard but it does get easier with time. Don't worry what others think about you, just try to think positive about yourself

Many of us have done things we feel some remorse, regret or shame for while in an episode. It is hard sometimes to forgive ourselves but it is something we must learn to do. That does not mean we don't take responsibility for our actions. Do you have a therapist? He or she would be a great help to get you through this. Also, you mention you are having a lot of depression and worry, with nightmares, I would give your dr a call because the right meds should level you, not swing you to the opposite side.

[Victoria'smom]

I have fear instead of guilt. My husband does have a lot of guilt for past transgressions. Both of us hold on our fear or guilt of past episodes because we both feel 2 steps away from becoming who we were. Both of us are working on it through therapy.

[middlepath]

Ohhhh I feel for ya! I was in the same place not to long ago. I was beating myself up for all sorts of things and really was looking at my life under a microscope. I have moved past a lot of it now and so much of that has been due to choosing to not repeat mistakes of the past, actively trying to bring more positivity into the world, and finally, radical acceptance (Dialectical Behavior Therapy approach to acceptance of difficult circumstances). I have been practicing radical acceptance actively for nearly 10 months now and it has become more and more easy for me to not hate myself. I have learned to shift my attention away from my crappy past and move into awareness of this moment. I have even tried to approach hope for the future, too.

So, you are not alone. I have plenty that I can be ashamed of, hate myself for, fear that others dislike me (this fear is still with me though : (...but I am try to move forward...I don't want to be stuck. One foot in front of the other is what I tell myself.

[Patsy Cline]

Jaime, I've been in your shoes and I sincerely hope you get past this point soon.
I at times was distraught thinking that, maybe this whole bipolar thing is a mistake. Maybe I'm just a selfish, crazy uncaring person. But I'm not. If I was, would I feel guilty for the things I've done? No, I just wouldn't care. But I do. And I've taken steps to get better, I've made changes in my life and I are my meds. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all imperfect. But we're striving to do things the right way and that counts for something

[LostNAngry]

I have done a lot of things that I now worry about and am so ashamed. I tell my T its hard on some days to even look at myself. I have made some very wrong decision while being manic and they still are messing with my meds so its a great big fear all the time. I don't have an answer for you but just remember we are all human and we make mistakes. Some illnesses cause people to act or do things that really aren't them. Just try to be kind to yourself; we are always more harsh on ourselves than others.

[Eliza Jane]

I haven't done anything so bad, but I am embarrassed thinking that someone (especially at work) might have noticed something was "wrong" with me. When I'm hypo I throw myself into my work. I find myself feeling ashamed when I look at different informational handouts I made when hypo. Which is silly because they weren't bad handouts!

[99 FAIRIES]

When u r manic u are not u. U are your illness. Separate the two. And forgive the real you.

[medicalfox]

This thread has my name written all over it. For 6 years I was left unmedicated and I put a lot of people through hell when I was in high school and college. I ruined so much and I bare so much guilt and fear because of it. I have destroyed friendships and relationships in the ugliest way and people hate me for it. I had to change high schools because I caused so many people to hate me that they wanted to harm me. People gossiped about me and I lost the majority of my friends. I feel so lonely because of it. Only a few have stuck to my side, but many of them are dorming far away. I try to forget about it and move on, but people keep harassing me and ruining opportunities for me. I always worry about the people I have angered and harmed will ruin my current relationship and my future career. I really hope they forget about me and let me live a good life. Even when they don't harass me I'm still guilted by it. I have apologized to a few people and some have forgiven me. Others, like most of my family, shun me, but I rather be shunned than hated at this point.

[Dylanzmama]

I am so there with you right now. Tomorrow's my mom's birthday and I feel so much guilt over the way I've treated her (she passed away 2 years ago). No one in my family will talk to me anymore. It's so hard to accept, but I like the idea of "radical acceptance".

I used to worry about silly things I have done, I used to feel shame but now I have just accepted it. When those worrying thoughts come back I use my coping techniques and get rid of them. Guilt is still around and something I am working on but now days I dont stress about things I cant change.

[Skittles56]

The only reason to be ashamed is just so you won't do it again. If you can figure out a way to control it without shame, then go that way for sure. Shame is not a valuable emotion.

That being said, I can't practice what I preach and am ashamed almost every day for the stupid **** I did.

[TombE]

I have been through this and still am going through this. A lot of the regrets I have in life have happened to me when my bipolar type 2 was still out of control. I've screwed over a lot of people and myself countless times. Now that I am stable (at least the most I have been) I reflect on the past and feel a lot of shame and remorse. However, it's best to not look into the past and only into the present and future. What has helped me is my developed faith and personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm not sure if you are religious or not, but it is the best advice I can give you. I have repented for sins and have a much different, better outlook on life. I still feel remorse but being forgiven has helped me a lot. If you are not religious, just staying away from the past can help. Learn to forgive yourself for the past and to only look forward.

[dillpickle1983]

I was an absolute loose canon. I posted facebook updates that I deeply regret. I was a total prejudice, racist crazed maniac. I am the absolute opposite on meds. However one day my facebook posts will come back to haunt me.

Sorry to those I offended.

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