[HD7970GHZ]

Hi everyone,

I'm just going to speak my mind. I have a lot on my mind right now - please, reply in whatever way(s) you can. I don't care if you disagree, agree - are in between - have something to bash me about - just please reply. (Thanks in advance.)

I have had a diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder - for 3.5 years now.

The diagnosis is without any shred of doubt - accurate.

My symptoms come and go. My triggers seem to be (for the most part) all related to relationships, how I perceive those relationships, how I handle them - how I am treated, how I treat others, etc...

Essentially - the cure to my problems seems to be: If someone could fill the hole in my heart. (Because this is impossible, and unhealthy if and when it almost [but never] comes true - I realize I will always have Borderline tendencies)

Anyways, I am wondering if people can explain their manic episodes in detail. I am only looking for things that I can relate to. I will try and explain down below what I've experienced in the past.

After an extremely emotional time, and sometimes during - I can access a creative part of me. I know it is my need to express my feelings - being that words never seem to do them full justice... But sometimes I feel like I can go a little too far, think too much, believe that I have abilities when really I don't...

Anyways, I listen to music to escape. I write while I listen to music. Sometimes I'll write nonstop - I'll get compelled by a philosophical mode of thinking, a specific topic, or something that I just want to explore. Most times it has to do with trying to justify behavior, actions, thoughts, perceptions - the ways in which our minds work... It's quite obscene that I think of these things when I'm in creative mode as my dream is to be a filmmaker - and most times I find myself writing screenplays to pass the lonely times... However, when my creative juices are flowing in these precious times - I always seem to expand on the meaning of life...


Anyways, I will write on one thing. I will get a rush from out of nowhere - that rush will continue to embed itself in my writing - in my exploring. Suddenly I think I've discovered a truth about reality, or a truth about whatever it is that I'm expanding on... I'll think that I have found something so completely truthful - that if I were to hand it in to my university teacher - I would suddenly become one with the ranks of the highest professors in the country, perhaps even the world... Perhaps even teach a class, or design a course on a specific mode of thinking. Perhaps, [like the other day] I will design a new treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder... It's amazing how quickly I make this shift in cognition. It's like - I am so completely affected by my external environment - that I can occasionally - learn to control my external environment, in such a way, so as to foster an inner need for acceptance to such an extent - that I can actually [temporarily] become that which I am in fact: not... (That would be a secure, whole individual) I cannot do it all the time - it seems to be dependent on several things...

I have, however, noticed that my ability to reach that heightened feeling of self confidence - [I'll call it euphoria] - is best and most likely to occur - when I have a combination of situations or circumstances [outside of my direct control] - that benefit my inner yearning for love and acceptance from my family, my peers - and from those I hold in the highest esteem. As in: My borderline, the reasons why I experience it - the feeling that I am unloved, that I am unaccepted and will forever be alone and miserable... As soon as I feel as though those {BORDERLINE NEEDS} are met - I become unstoppable. I mean - I am literally a genius.

Then there's the whole idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy: That if, "I," believe I am brilliant - I actually am - brilliant... It's a scary proposition... One of my psychiatrists told me that I would make a great actor... Perhaps this is what he was alluding to. Everyone has a gift that is also a burden. Perhaps mine is that I can be whatever I want to be...

But if I can, so can anyone else... Right?

If my potential is being hampered because I feel like I am unworthy of love, then my potential will never come to fruition. But if I can indirectly lie to myself, by coming to adopt a self-fulfilling prophecy - allowing myself, (FOR ONCE, EVEN TEMPORARILY) to love myself - then suddenly I am able to live up to my fullest potential...

In saying this, is it fair to say that perhaps - lying to oneself - is actually one of the best things, we as human beings, [stuck in the fog of self deception] can do? (Being that, we are all really - in such a low, depressed and lonely existence)?

My therapists always tells me to, "Find that inner strength..." That - my need for acceptance from others - will never actually become a reality. Because in truth - no one has the ability to fill me up... Only, "I," DO...

In accepting that my greatest weakness can never be alleviated from external forces, it will allow me to bypass years of searching for it outside myself - and I can use it, befriend it - and lie to myself... And if by doing so - it enables a side of me that is only ever available when my need for acceptance from external forces is met - then the benefits FAR outweigh the costs...

Could this be how we learn to love ourselves? By, "accepting," that which is never going to happen - and learning to provide the same level of support we spend our entire lives searching for in other [external things]?

Am I right? Anyone else relate to this? I have a feeling this is only [my] way of helping myself from within... The notion of lying to oneself in order to help oneself - and bring out the potential one has within - it's terrible... But is it necessary if it works?

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

[99 FAIRIES]

I have been there...sounds like mania to me...best of luck.

[ultramar]

I don't see anything 'pathological' here in a psychiatric sense. I'm reading what you wrote in the context of what you are suffering intrapsychically, and in this context, it makes perfect sense. Outside of the context you give, it would not. This is not psychosis. I think you have some brilliant insights.

for me, i feel far away from the person who i would otherwise be if not mannic.

if that makes sense

it's like a hundred doors have just opened up, and i can take on anything i choose to

[HD7970GHZ]

Thanks everyone for the replies

Shattered sanity:
So you become a different person altogether? Like an opposite of who you are when depressed?

What you said makes complete sense to me as the first thing I recognize if I'm remaining consciously aware of my thoughts - is that I could tackle anything. That I can write something - then do something astounding with it. I even visualize my family and friends - in the event that I get success after suffering long and hard years with illness... For a moment it's 100% possible. If I concentrate on those thoughts - I can continue to escalate more and more and my positive thoughts become so reinforcing that my behavior can truly take on the notion that my life is actually that good... Of course, it never really is that good - and I'm right back to depression soon after when my life reflects negativity, not positivity.

Relate to that?

Ultramar,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your honesty. That's really what I think for the most part too - but I do know I can get to a threashold that just has to be mania of some kind. Definitely hypomania. I mean, to shed light - I wrote 300 pages by hand - of theories - spent days in my room writing these things - came up with highly intellectual ideas but they were brought on by an unrealistic euphoria. I was taking seroquel and zoloft at the time - it seems that when I take these meds - I can get to that euphoric state much easier. Is that a sign of potential bipolar tendency??

99 fairies,

Thanks for your reply. Can you ellaborate a bit more on what you relate to? Please - anything could help - I feel the need to bring this up with my therapist as soon as I can start therapy again.


Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

[bumble2u]

I'm not sure you have to lie to yourself.
Have you heard of radical acceptance? DBT skills may help you find a way of accessing the means to who you really wish to become through you and not another person.
When I get manic I also think in my euphoria that my connections to the world will alleviate untold suffering to millions. I do follow through quite a few of my manic creative decisions but unfortunately depression usually negates my efforts.
TBH I still look for external reason to be validated otherwise why post here? And then panic because I think i've written bull s**t and everyone thinks I'm a moron.
Usually I want to kick the doc who says I have great inner strength and I'll be fine, because at the time well I just don't believe it.

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Thanks everyone for the replies

Shattered sanity:
So you become a different person altogether? Like an opposite of who you are when depressed?

What you said makes complete sense to me as the first thing I recognize if I'm remaining consciously aware of my thoughts - is that I could tackle anything. That I can write something - then do something astounding with it. I even visualize my family and friends - in the event that I get success after suffering long and hard years with illness... For a moment it's 100% possible. If I concentrate on those thoughts - I can continue to escalate more and more and my positive thoughts become so reinforcing that my behavior can truly take on the notion that my life is actually that good... Of course, it never really is that good - and I'm right back to depression soon after when my life reflects negativity, not positivity.

Relate to that?

Ultramar,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your honesty. That's really what I think for the most part too - but I do know I can get to a threashold that just has to be mania of some kind. Definitely hypomania. I mean, to shed light - I wrote 300 pages by hand - of theories - spent days in my room writing these things - came up with highly intellectual ideas but they were brought on by an unrealistic euphoria. I was taking seroquel and zoloft at the time - it seems that when I take these meds - I can get to that euphoric state much easier. Is that a sign of potential bipolar tendency??

99 fairies,

Thanks for your reply. Can you ellaborate a bit more on what you relate to? Please - anything could help - I feel the need to bring this up with my therapist as soon as I can start therapy again.


Thanks,
Hd7970ghz

not a diffrent person entirely, no.
but for me i can do things i wouldn't usually do.... the best way i can explain it is that my brain's been ripped out of my body, and i'm free to do what ever- nothing is a boundry.. nothing says to me, no, you can't do that

i use the diffrent person thing because that what it feels like.. it feels like i'm worlds away from who i truly am

[99 FAIRIES]

That type of euphoria and super confidence...aint nothin can stop me..ever..type attitude is how i am when i am manic. I feel like i have the world by its balls.