[Cherry73]

Not even exactly sure where to put this but I suppose this is good. I have had mental health issues for a very long time. I have been hospitalized upwards of ten times and taken so many medications I don't even remember all of them. First official diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder along with some GAD and BPD. The only thing that continues to vary is whether I have bipolar of schizoaffective. I personally think I am bipolar. I have been doing a great job of pretending that everything is ok and keeping a big smile on my face and when ever someone asks me how I am I doing my immediate reply is great. Then night falls and all turn in for a night of rest and my inner turmoil begins. I assume it is because all are sleeping and I can finally let my guard down. My thoughts hit shuffle and its the same **** over and over about what a loser I am and how after 40 years I should realize things are not and will never get better. To be completely honest if I did not have children I would be dead. Between the mental illness and all the constant chronic intense pain if I didn't have my little beauties there would be no reason to suffer through all of this. I hardly ever sleep and that is due to the many racing thought in combination with the unrelenting pain. I cannot sleep for more than 2 hours at a time because the longest I can stay in any one position. Years ago before children I self medicated with drugs and my favorite was heroin and it took me a very long time to hang that up and get my **** together. On November 21, 2005 was the last time I ever used heroin which means since then I have had to experience and feel every emotion. Then in 2007 my life changed forever with the birth of my first child and it made suffering through all this worth it.
Lets fast forward to now. I am almost 40 and living in my parents basement with my 2 kids because of my many health problems and the fact that I am on disability and what I receive in disability does not support three people and I had no where else to go. I am very appreciative that my paretns agreed to take my children and I and I am more than grateful for all the blessings they bestow upon my children. I could never afford to go anywhere or do anything when we lived on our own and now my kids are in scouts and play soccer and lacrosse and attend bible school none of which would be possible without my parents. I am just having some difficulty with having to abide by everything they say and anything I/we need I have to ask for and explain why and then they decide if they want to give me money for it or not. I have no access to cash at all. I can't go out and do anything without permission because I have no access to money. I even have to make a tank of gas last an entire week and I realize for all the benefits involved these are not unreasonable requests its just at 40 I do not want to have to ask my parents permission to/for anything. It is quite degrading to say the very least. Years ago I had an eating disorder which seems to have begun to rear its ugly head once again. I have started binge eating again at night and have even been eating in my sleep which I have not done since rehab. The only reason I know I am sleep eating again is that the wrappers are there as proof in the morning. I just am so depressed and feel like such a failure and a loser and I don't see how to improve my situation. My original plan was to help get my health in order and get a job and slowly get to a point that I could work full time and come off disability and take care of my family myself. Of course I had to go and fall and do more damage to my spine and now there is no way I could even think about working at this point in time. I have no idea what to do and it is making me feel even worse than I already do.
I apologize this is so long I just really needed to unload it cause I don't really have anyone to talk to so thank you for listening.

[Victoria'smom]

is there any way that you can get them to give you a certain amount of money at the beginning of the month can you check and then you be able to budget that for anything that you want / need? then you won't have to feel like you're asking .

[Cherry73]

No, I already discussed that with them and their reply was that they agreed to pay for everything but they cannot give me spending money on top of everything else. My check does not cover everything and they have been nice enough to pay off some loans I had and pay for my kids to play multiple sports and do scouts and the like so they said they don't mind paying for all of that but they cannot give me spending money on top of that as well.

[RenjiCat]

I can relate to the negative thoughts, the insomnia and the hopelessness. I too, wouldn't be here if not for my girls. I am in a dark, dark place myself. I'm hoping to see the light soon, and I hope you see it too! We have to hang in there. It's hard....so very hard, but we have to hang in there...sometimes a day at a time...sometimes an hour.

[~Christina]

I can understand your anger.. you are not a child, you are an adult. Your parents have done a great thing for you and your children ,, but YOU still need to have control over your life or you will feel the way you are.

Do you have a therapist? If not you should .. also a T can let you know of what kind of help you can qualify for low income housing ( no they are not all ghetto's) food stamps, help with utilities and the list goes on and on.. At least its worth looking into...

I hope you find some solutions

[Cherry73]

I am on the lists to get help with housing. I am number 1212 on the HUD list and the wait is approximately 3-5 years. I do get food stamps and health insurance for my kids. When my parents offered to let is move here they told me to leave my car which I didn't think would make the trip anyway. My parents did inform me that if I just decided to leave I could no my take my SUV so we would have no way to go. The kids both have therapists they see weekly along with many other appointments.

[~Christina]

Have your parents always been this controlling ? When you receive your Disability monthly is it just turned over to them ? Do you receive any money from child support?

Do you have a T ?

[Cherry73]

When my disability was originally started years ago I was so unstable my mom had it set up so I had to have a payee and it's still that way. So we have a bank account sent up for that purpose and my check is direct deposited every month.

[Cherry73]

Yes, Christina I recently found a therapist and a psychiatrist. I had just been getting my medicine from my primary care doc. Due to the fact tht I have Medicare and Medicaid no pdoc or therapist in this area would take me as a patient. I had been trying since February to find someone and the only reason this place finally agreed to see me was because my son is a patient there.

[~Christina]

Maybe that needs to be changed. Personally I would rather hand over/transfer the money than have it just bypass me..