[BlueInanna]

I hate myself, my life, my town, my job. This old house falling apart, I can't do it. I'm planning my getaway. I don't belong here. I need to move away. My daughter is 19, she can figure out how to take care of herself. My older son will be 18 in a month. And the way he just yelled at me and threw things at my daughter & me, he can F off. I'm sobbing as I write this. That I'm even thinking of leaving my children. Everything just turned out horribly wrong, I thought I could take on the world & had more children than I can take care of by myself.

I asked my boyfriend if he'd raise my younger son, he said he would. He would've been a good dad. I have to get away from here, and I don't want my youngest to have to move with me and change schools. Bf wants me and my youngest to live with him. I can't stand him enough to live with him. He's a good man, hard worker, keeps a schedule, good influence - total bore for someone like me. He doesn't have huge compassion, and we don't have much for interesting conversations. But someone needs to teach my boy to be a man. He wants me & youngest to live with him. He doesn't want to support my older 2. And I'll never love him because of that. 8 years, he could've done so much to help me with the older 2.

I will have to get everyone moved out of the house so I can fix it up & sell it. I can't live here anymore. I'll have to find homes for my pets. I can't even deal with that.

And I'll have to find a different job, I can't take the stress anymore of an executive position. I can't do it anymore.

This town, I hate it, I don't fit in. I don't have good friends. They won't even notice me gone.

I will find somewhere to live, anywhere other than here. I failed at raising my older 2. They got the bp from me. They're both drug addicts, pot heads, unmotivated, help with nothing - well my daughter helps a little. And at least she's usually much nicer than my son. They both have hit me before - I would never hit my mother, how did it turn into this. And then they got whatever from their dad, zero work ethic, mean violent streak. My son looks just like him. And his dad is evil. I can't wait to kick him out when he's 18. I hate myself right now. I used to be a good person. I hate that i'm even thinking like this.

My youngest still has a chance. He's got a cheery attitude, athletic, works hard, does chores. He's getting really good grades despite his learning disability. 6th grade has been hell, we're up such late hours doing homework sometimes. I will miss him. I will come back for him when I get a place and a job. Took him to his first school dance tonight, he looked so handsome. I'm counting down the minutes 55 until I can go pick him up, come back home and finally take some valium and calm down. My head hurts so bad and I can't stop crying.

sorry things are so bad for you right now.

hope you can work things out though- and things will get better for you

[~Christina]

Awwww Blue Your so strong .. stronger than you could possible know.

You are not a failure .. Look at all the hell you have gone through fighting for you older kids .... But the time comes when they are going to have to suck it up and find the help they need .

Right now I want you to take care of YOU ! You need time to rest and heal , Time to decide just how to map out your next stage of life ..

I have to run out .. But I will be back I promise ..

I love ya C .. you are not alone , not at all

[Trippin2.0]

I'm sorry you're struggling sis. I'm a drowning hot mess myself right now, so I'm probably too self absorbed to be of any help, but know that I love you, I think you're amazing and I'm thinking of you

[Amelie10]

Dear Blue, I am so sorry you are struggling. I can so relate, especially everything with the kids. It is very, very difficult to have BP and have kids. I agree that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Hang in there. This too will pass....

[~Christina]

How are you feeling today ?

[BlueInanna]

Thank you my friends. I am calmer. Afraid to say I'm in the clear, but yesterday and today I have an improved mental state. More productive than I've been in close to 2 months. I actually showered. I worked for 4 1/2 hours straight today. I actually did the dishes without pulling my hair out screaming that the earth was falling off the sun's orbit. Praying the depression fog is really lifting. Just realized I did not cry today, phew... wow... what a horrible experience.

I had my 3 month hypo... I had my 2 month depression/mixed... I think I've earned at least 6 months of calm. Interesting how my brain feels like it's been sloshed around the tilt-a-whirl ride, and wonders if it will be ok. It will right?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so glad to hear from you and that you are doing better . I'm glad you had a productive day without feeling so bad. Yes you will be okay, just take it slow.

[~Christina]

You are due for some calmness in your life.. Minute by minute then hour by hour then day by day ... Just remember to really enjoy the bits of calm you have along the way.

I am so happy and relieved to see your feeling some better ... Enjoy! Beautiful lady