[~Christina]

I think I am at the almost 3 month mark of being in a mess of moods.

I'm Manic- Depressed-Mixed- Hallucinations.... rinse and repeat over and over .

My pain level is 8-10 Altho I know one way of lowering that pain but it's not something I can do day in and day out.

My Insomnia is as always rearing its ugly head, as in over the last 7 days I have a total of 9 hours.

I know that my Pdoc is going to want to add an AP to my lithium and lamictal of course. Something I am really not wanting to do for a variety of reasons. All my self care is being applied altho not really improving things.

I guess there is no real reason for this post other than I wanted to squalk moan and groan about it all.

Yay for Bipolar

[AnxietyGirl916]

I'm in a ranty mood myself.

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[A Red Panda]

Rant and moan all you want to Christina, you totally deserve to vent about it! I'm so sorry that your body is being such a jerk to you and not cooperating with all the effort you're putting in!!!

If you want, I'll come hit ya with a frying pan. Repeatedly if needed so that you get a full night's sleep. Just give the word and I am so there!

That sounds really unfun I hope your mood improves very soon.

[Victoria'smom]

Yuck, I'm sorry Christina. When do you see Pdoc? Hopefully the AP is for a short time. Are your PRN's not working?

sorry, christina.

it sounds like you are really struggling

[Trippin2.0]

Sis, I'm really to hear things have still not improved Rant, rave, b1tch and moan all you want. You have every darn reason to!
Love you muchness!!!


I know I'm strange,
But what are you? .....

[~Christina]

Thanks !

I see my T in a little while.. I have an appt to see my Pdoc the 21st but I could see him sooner if I wanted to. I am just not thrilled with my options at this point. Maybe I will just need to ride this one out as is.

On a happy note I actually slept for almost 2 hours last nite !

Thanks everyone for letting me whine and stuff

[MagicsMom]

I'm glad you got a little more sleep.

May I ask why you don't want to go on AP's? I'm on them myself and don't want to be because my hair is falling out.

I hope you feel better soon! I've been stuck in the washing machine for 6 months - mostly stuck on rinse

[venusss]

Try to relax at least if you don't get full sleep. Better then nothing.

[~Christina]

Okay had a great appt with my T .. We both agree that the problems I am having are due to the work I am doing in therapy .. past trauma stuff. Which is causing all these problems.

So there is no reason to take an AP as it's not going to help ... only working through the trauma will resolve it.

So for now I just need to continue my self care and hope for the best.

Thanks everyone

Keep at it. I dont know you personally but from your posts on here you seem like a really strong willed and determined person. I have no doubt you will get through this

[Victoria'smom]

I'm so glad that you don't need an AP! I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

[anneo59]

know what you mean, Christina. And about wanted to avoid APs. Wish I could provide some answers, but can only relate. I wish you all the best! Your friend, Anneo

[A Red Panda]

I'm glad you had such a great appointment Christina!

[Anika.]

Im sorry to hear this. But yes a little sleep is better than none. Sucks when it comes and then in such short intervas at that!!! Working through all that stuff...it's not easy at all. No wonder you are not feeling so good. I wonder if that also ramps up the pain? You are right, only way to work with it is to work through it. It can be slow and painful but in the end so worth it. There is another side you just have to walk through it. You are strong and determined...don't have to look far to see that. I know you will make progress with this stuff.

I think one thing that helped me, well not right away that's for sure but eventually when I was working through trauma, was when I got to a point where I could see it as an exciting process instead of a scary one. It was scary. And even when it is not scary is can just be uncomfortable and overwhelming. Discovery and exciting I guess because when you close old doors bew ones appear. Like a choose your own adventure, but untill the old doors start to close it can be hard to see it that way.

I'm not sure if that helps, and I am not sure where you are at on this journey...but you will know. Any time you want to talk, I am still here. Kinda quite but here for you as always sis. I am glad that you are working through things.

Ever think that sometimes the amount of discomfort that come with this sort of thing is a testiment to the amount of effort you are putting in to working through it? Healing hurts sometimes... I think anyways. but I hope it will eventually fade out.

[~Christina]

Hey Sis

Yes you are correct as always ! All the problems feed the others.. Bipolar = fibro pain = insomnia= racing mind.. It is all connected. The last attempt on medications just to somehow help me sleep just through me under the bus so I'm still clawing my way out. So I am just not doing any more medication changes for any reason It just muddies the water, and this last time was damn near was the end of me.

My big problem sounds small but of course it isnt once you start peeling away the layers of it... I can't wait to move past this damn thing. But , I also know that there are no quick fixes and its a process. I "thought" I had beat this problem a few months ago ..but come to find out ... Nope I just pushed it aside .

So... I will keep doing the work and I can only imagine how free I will feel once I put this particular problem to rest... for good. I think there is pain in healing and that it's okay, it does show you what your hard work produced.

I understand the "quiet part" we all need that sometimes.. Just remember Sis I am here for You too ! Anytime

[roads]

I'm not sure we ever finish processing a trauma, since new life experiences/traumas seems to bring out the old one for review ... and we see it in a new light, or feel it in new ways--and so have to deal with it all over again.
In my experience, it least.
... Another piece of the puzzle in my belief that there are no abrupt endings and beginnings, merely transitions.

I had a thought about the messed up everything ... could diet be involved? I went on a low inflammation diet years ago that sorted me out in several ways. I shop primarily at Asian grocers, where these foods are easily obtained. That may be a problem in the country where you are.
Missing you, keeping you in my heart ...

[Anika.]

Remember how many times I posted things like " I thought I worked through this, but it's still here...or obviously I need to keep working on it", or even " I thought I learned this lesson 10 times already this year" (,well in that case I am just a slow learner sometimes.) I guess it's like peeling through layers. You can only work on one surface of it at a time, but each time you peel back a layer it becomes smaller and smaller, until eventually just a tiny grain under the bottom of your shoe. You can still feel it a little, you know it is there but it is not bothersome anymore.. sometimes tho if you put some of the layers you peeled off back on it, it becomes a pebble again, and then a stone. Which is obviously painful to walk one.

It's so fluid ..all of it. Even if you heal you have to remember that you did...if you loose that awarness it can become an open wound again. So weird isn't it?

Is any big problem small? haha nooo.. this isn't a Dr. Suess book is it... any big problem is a big problem...

[Anika.]

Thank you Roadie..exactly..... life is all a process of transition..

Christina..I think it will ve a beautiful transition.... who couldn't use an extra pair of wings... certainly can make use of more than a few pairs you already have.

[~Christina]

RoadieAnika

You both have unbelievable wisdom

I have sat here thinking about all the problems I have overcome ..but yes they are still with me but they no longer have such power over me.. I think once I climb over this wall then I will swim the moat which would be a big improvment.

Diet ... Oh yeah I am usually really strict about food .. but every since vacation I am eating lots of things that I know will increase my pain ... Thank you Roadie for the reminder I have been so wrapped up in all this mess I have let some major things slide...

Love you guys

Hopefully soon I will emerge as a Dragonfly

[BipolaRNurse]

CHRISTINA

Hope you're doing better today. I just saw this thread and wanted to say I'm thinking of you. You've been so supportive of me and of other members here, now it's time to give something back. Please take care of yourself and hold on to the knowledge that you are loved and cared about here.

[BlueInanna]

I don't know how you do it, but you do it! You're an amazing woman.

As in my Hero!!

[~Christina]

Aww thanks ... You ladies surely see something I don't ... but it does push me to keep searching for it .. Thank you for the unwavering support it really does make a difference. ..

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

CHRISTINA

Hope you're doing better today. I just saw this thread and wanted to say I'm thinking of you. You've been so supportive of me and of other members here, now it's time to give something back. Please take care of yourself and hold on to the knowledge that you are loved and cared about here.

I echo these sentiments for sure, Christina, be good to yourself!