[henrydavidtherobot]

I've been watching a lot of videos and talks about bipolar disorders. However, I feel like none of them really reflect how I feel with my disorder (Cyclothymia). I don't know if this is because I'm a writer and better with language or if my symptoms are just different than theirs. I've been thinking about making a video about how I feel. I wonder if anyone feels the same way I do. Would you all mind sharing your thoughts?

How I feel:

I often hear people say that being bipolar is like having two personalities. I disagree entirely. I have up days and down days and normal days. I wouldn't even say that all of my ups or downs feel the same.

My moods shift faster than most other people I know who are on the bipolar spectrum. I'm not sure if this is a sign of rapid cycling or mixed episodes or what. I do notice that I am more reactive if I'm in an up or down place.

Mania: I only experience manic episodes on Welbutrin. It was hypomania to the extreme with intense recklessness and physical restlessness. The biggest difference that I notice was that I can tell if I'm hypomanic sometimes, but I could never tell that I was manic until afterwards.

Hypomania: I'm way better than everyone else and everyone is inferior and no one can keep up with me. I get mad because everyone else "sucks" so bad or is "dumb". I get angry easily and someone saying something the whole way will warrant me to snap at them. Or, I'm incredibly happy, I'm very confident, I talk fast, won't quit talking even though I tell myself to stop, I get a lot done, I do impulsive things, I am promiscuous, I have poor judgment, I make unrealistic plans (sometimes), I abuse alcohol, I can't sleep, and I can't keep still. My hypomania bothers me more than my depression because I do a lot of dumb, dumb things.

Normal Depression: I've never been suicidal. I get things done. It's just harder. I am tearful and cry once or twice a day. Occasionally, I'll have a bad episode where I can't get out of bed for a day. This is nullified if I have to be somewhere. Sometimes when I'm depressed, I eat carb-loaded food and have low self-esteem.

Numb Depression: I don't care about anything. I feel nothing. I don't want anyone around me or in my life. I isolate. Nothing stimulates me or makes me happy. This is typically something that happens following abandonment or something incredibly disappointing.

What do you guys think? Anything sound like you?

[AnxietyGirl916]

Be careful with the abbreviation BPD. That's typically used for borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is typically just BP.

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Originally Posted by AnxietyGirl916

Be careful with the abbreviation BPD. That's typically used for borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is typically just BP.

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i was about to say that... seen it used a lot here in this forum a lot lately

hmm.. i'm not sure what's up with that

perhaps people are just using D for "disorder"

making a video about how you feel is a great idea.

nice project to work on

[dragonfly2]

The thing about bipolar disorder is that it is so individualized. We all experience it differently to a certain degree. Some people get crushingly suicidal, others don't ever reach that point. Some people have debilitating lethargy with their depressions, others tend to be more agitated and on edge. Ultimately you need to talk to your pdoc or therapist about questioning your diagnosis, but I can certainly identify with your descriptions, particularly your hypomanias.

I don't really think that bipolar disorder results in us having different personalities per se, even if the ones you're referring to don't mean it in a more literal, DID type of sense (mult. personality disorder). Yes, the way we interact with the world does change, but at the core we are the same person. If I don't like beets when I'm not symptomatic, I'm not going to suddenly like them when I'm manic or depressed. People with true personality shifts can have that change. They can even be right or left-handed differently from the "main person". So on that point, I definitely agree with you.

On the subject of personality though, a couple of things you said make me wonder if there isn't a touch of Borderline personality disorder going on there - again, only your clinicians can determine that - and you may not have full-blown BPD, but can have traits. Particularly the rapid shifting moods and your depressive reaction to abandonment. Something to certainly talk to your pdoc/T about.

But to answer your question - yes, I can identify with your bipolar symptoms.

Your normal depressions sound like me for years with a wake up in the spring, I'm certain it was cyclothymia in the past. Your other episodes sound familiar to me but they showed up at age 42 and got me a dx of bp1 at 43 yrs old. I couldn't find myself in the usual descriptions either at the time. A good book to look at is Bipolar Demystified by Lana Castle, she comes the closest.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Dragonfly, I didn’t mean that I feel like I have multiple personalities per se. I’m always myself, but I feel like I loose control of optimal me a lot of the time. I struggle with a lot of black and white thinking, but everyone agrees that I am a rational person.

I have no doubt in my mind that I have Borderline tendencies. My friends with Borderline Personality disorder always say that they could see “a little borderline in me”. Honestly, I think I would have been diagnosed with BPD (I’m using it correctly this time) two years ago. I’ve had two Ts say things that hinted towards BPD or BPD tendencies such as “that would be more of a personality thing” and “you have the history set up for BPD, but you’ve done really well with yourself”. I asked both if they thought I had it and they said they suspected a mood disorder. I also brought the issue up with my P and she diagnosed me with Cyclothymia with OCD and Agoraphobic tendencies.

It’s good to hear that you all can relate to me. I’m always confused when people describe mania or hypomania as happy. I am happy when I am sometimes, but I’m also terrified because I feel myself doing risky things and honestly have an incredibly hard time reeling myself back in. It sucks to feel like you’re not going to be well a lot of the time and have no control, you know?

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

Dragonfly, I didn’t mean that I feel like I have multiple personalities per se. I’m always myself, but I feel like I loose control of optimal me a lot of the time. I struggle with a lot of black and white thinking, but everyone agrees that I am a rational person.

I have no doubt in my mind that I have Borderline tendencies. My friends with Borderline Personality disorder always say that they could see “a little borderline in me”. Honestly, I think I would have been diagnosed with BPD (I’m using it correctly this time) two years ago. I’ve had two Ts say things that hinted towards BPD or BPD tendencies such as “that would be more of a personality thing” and “you have the history set up for BPD, but you’ve done really well with yourself”. I asked both if they thought I had it and they said they suspected a mood disorder. I also brought the issue up with my P and she diagnosed me with Cyclothymia with OCD and Agoraphobic tendencies.

It’s good to hear that you all can relate to me. I’m always confused when people describe mania or hypomania as happy. I am happy when I am sometimes, but I’m also terrified because I feel myself doing risky things and honestly have an incredibly hard time reeling myself back in. It sucks to feel like you’re not going to be well a lot of the time and have no control, you know?

Particularly the rapid shifting moods and your depressive reaction to abandonment.

This actually does sound like 'BPD' (Borderline). But if you want to parse out the differences, I would think/journal about what triggers the impulsivity, extra energy, anger, depression. Bipolar Disorder is not characterized by rapid mood shifts (or 'mood swings') but by persistent and pervasive/long duration moods (whatever the flavor of bipolar you may have) and episodes are not quick reactions to things like disappointment, abandonment, etc. Feeling better than others for periods of time, hyperness, irritability, etc. can exist outside of bipolar disorder.

At the end of the day, what matters is what treatment will most help. Because we all want to feel better, and function at the highest level possible and have good relationships with others.

I think, in general, human nature is such that we're likely to favor the less stigmatizing explanation for our behavior, emotions, etc. Which is all well and good, as long as the treatment works.

[doglover1979]

You can have both Bipolar and BPD. I do, and now that I am diagnosed with both. I can definitely see the difference between the two, and how they play off of each other.

The key (for me) is when the Bipolar is acting up is that more often it is without a direct trigger, and the moods are persistent. The depression is just there, it doesn't really go away no matter what happens. Also,the hypomania that I experience comes with distinct physical sensations of energy.

The BPD comes in a chain. Just as an example "You hurt me. I must be horrible. I hate myself." and then I get depressed.

They do come up at the same time, and things can get confusing. Thank goodness DBT works for me, now I can learn to sort out the behavior chains from the symptoms that need medical attention.

[henrydavidtherobot]

doglover, that sounds like me. I don't doubt my cyclothymia because I have the long duration stuff too. I don't think I have BPD, but I think that I halfway developed it if that makes sense.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Yeah, I'm looking over the criteria for BPD again and a lot of it sounds like stuff that I used to have or have been getting better at with therapy. Maybe I'm getting out of it. I don't hurt myself anymore, I do less things to avoid abandonment, I'm doing better with devaluation and disassociation, and I have less "who am I" issues.

Then again, I still struggle with splitting, mood disturbances, and fear of abandonment.

i've never had trouble with anger or suicide though.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm way better than everyone else and everyone is inferior and no one can keep up with me. I get mad because everyone else "sucks" so bad or is "dumb". I get angry easily and someone saying something the whole way will warrant me to snap at them.

I get this when hypomanic but add everyone else is so inferior they need sleep and food.

Or, I'm incredibly happy, I'm very confident, I talk fast, won't quit talking even though I tell myself to stop, I get a lot done, I do impulsive things, I have poor judgment, I make unrealistic plans (sometimes), I can't sleep, and I can't keep still. things. I can get these symptoms with the above symptoms also but yes I get both of these.

My hypomania bothers me more than my depression Me to

I've never been suicidal. I get things done. It's just harder. I am tearful and cry once or twice a day. Occasionally, I'll have a bad episode where I can't get out of bed for a day. This is nullified if I have to be somewhere. Sometimes when I'm depressed, I eat carb-loaded food and have low self-esteem. This is how my depression is if you add passive suicidal thoughts.

[henrydavidtherobot]

What are passive suicidal thoughts?

[Victoria'smom]

"F***, I woke up again." , "I wish I could sleep forever." Things like that.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Maybe I've had that. I've never wanted to die, but for a while, I didn't care if something happened that would kill me.

[seed11]

Originally Posted by henrydavidtherobot

Maybe I've had that. I've never wanted to die, but for a while, I didn't care if something happened that would kill me.

Hi, I'm new around here, but I've read your post in the forum, and I found it very comforting that there's someone like me (not that I'm happy that other people have problems too).

Recently I found an article about cyclothymia-after doing a personality test on the web-and it is very like me, especialy the talking much when hypomaniac. Of course not ALL the symptons apply to me, but it would be awefull to be like everybody else, wouldn't be?lol

The BPD also looks like me-5 of 10 symptons.

Also anxiety, mdd, and schyzotypal (and narcissism).

I think the worst of all is to not to control my emotions, and thereafter my life.

I would be very glad if we could talk, sometimes (if you wish)...

Bye

[henrydavidtherobot]

seed11, feel free to message me